25th december when not celebrating

I decided to write this blog post because I think that it can give people an alternative perspective of the 25th December. I was raised as a Christian and so I celebrated Christmas for most of my life, however four years ago I decided that I did not want to celebrate Christmas anymore for various reasons that I will explain soon, but my family refused to accept that I didn't want to celebrate it and forced me to do so. Three years ago, I made my choice and from then onwards, I have not celebrated Christmas.

I stopped celebrating Christmas for a few reasons, the main one being I do not believe that Christianity is the religion for me. Although I was raised a Christian, I do not personally believe it, but that may be because I have had bad experiences with religion. (I do understand that religion means a lot to some people, and I am not against religion at all: as long as it makes you, and others happy through your actions, I entirely approve. I just simply do not believe in a religion myself.) Another reason that I stopped celebrating Christmas is because I do not like the commercial side of it, it has been something that has frustrated me all my life. And the final reason that I do not celebrate Christmas is because when I think of it, I am simply reminded of the arguments that my family used to have every year, and I do not wish for that to return. 

Three years ago, when I stopped celebrating Christmas, it caused many 'problems' for people. Although I had informed them that I will not be giving presents and therefore do not wish to receive them, my friends and family didn't understand that I was being serious, so that year I was simply called selfish, but I had warned them all a year beforehand that I will no longer be celebrating Christmas, so I did what I could to prevent it. Two years ago, a similar thing happened but with fewer friends and family falling into the trap. And last year, only three people gave me presents. 

I remember last year quite well, there were a few arguments, but that was the norm. What I remember most specifically is how I felt after receiving only a few presents (which I had asked the people not to buy for me). I remember feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to explain to others properly that I did not wish to celebrate Christmas and therefore wished not to receive presents. I felt as if I had let myself down.

This year has been an interesting year. My friends all now understand that I am definitely not celebrating Christmas and none of them bought me any presents, but they all wished me a good day today, and I wished them one too as I know they celebrate Christmas. My family know better than anyone that I don't celebrate Christmas (they still do) but this year, we made a deal. My parents feel that they 'must' get me something for Christmas because they celebrate it and they want to give me something. So instead of fighting them, as I would have each year before, I decided to compromise. I asked for four books, which I would have bought for myself anyway, which in total cost only £12, and which I will allow any of them to read if they so wish. 

By making this deal, my family feel satisfied and good that they have given me something, and I feel satisfied that it caused no arguments. Last year I tried saying no to presents entirely but my family just bought me things that I didn't need or want. I guess they fall into the category of 'stocking fillers' as they were little cheap things that aren't useful but offer about five minutes of fun each. And as I didn't want another year of being given gifts that I didn't want simply because my family felt that they needed to give me something, I felt that the deal was a suitable one, and all of my family agree that it was a good deal to make. 

My attitude towards the 25th December has changed this year compared to previous years. I used to see it as an awful day, but this year I tried to see it as a day that others enjoy, but that I do not, and so I shouldn't ruin it for them. This year, my personal mission was to be peaceful with myself and others, and to be positive with my attitude towards the day. 

I feel that this has been the best 25th December that I can remember, because while doing my own thing, I have still been able to enjoy the day for what it is: a religious event which I do not celebrate, but which brings happiness and joy to others. 

In case any of you were curious, (and I'm doing this because I feel like it), I have made a short Q&A of today for me:

Q: Do you eat Christmas food?

A: Mostly no. I am a vegetarian so that means that I couldn't eat a lot of the food anyway. I also dislike Christmas food like roast meals, so I tend to avoid it as much as possible. But, my family celebrate Christmas so they have Christmas food. This year, I made my own food, and simply had any spare vegetables that were prepared to go along with it, and both my family and I saw that as a happy compromise. 

Q: Do your friends and family get annoyed that you don't give gifts?

A: They used to, but now they understand that it's just something that I would prefer not to do, so they no longer get annoyed, and many of them are actually thankful- they don't have to spend excess money.

Q: If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you do on 25th Dec?

A: Well, today I went for a run, and did a lot of reading. I did spend some time with my family which was actually quite nice, but I spent a lot of time on my own which I prefer.

Q: What do you say when people wish you a happy Christmas?

A: I discovered the key to responding to this. I used to just ignore people saying it to me, but this year I figured out that I should either respond with 'happy holidays' or 'I hope that you enjoy today' because that way I'm being polite, I'm responding to them, and it just makes things far more pleasant for everyone.

Q: Do you dislike Christmas music?

A: Yes. I work somewhere where for all of December, Christmas music is played, so it has (understandably) become something which I dislike. 

Q: What religion are you?

A: I do not have a religion. 

If any of you have any further questions, don't hesitate to contact me on twitter, or leave a comment after this post and I will respond to you! I hope that today has been wonderful for all of you!

person A and B

I just need to talk, get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while now, and I don't really mind if anyone listens or not because it's more important that I actually get it out of my head. I may sound very odd, and I may make people think that I'm just being weird and that's fine, but I just need to get out what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've got two people in my body or my mind. I feel like one of them is positive and thoughtful and absolutely fine, but the other is empty, miserable and angry. I'll call the positive 'person' A and the negative 'person' B to make things easier.

I feel like I've had A and B for as long as I can remember, but that B took over for much of my life. But since I started recovering, A is there far more frequently, but B still manages to visit every now and then, and I just don't know whether this is normal or not. I can be absolutely fine, and then just snap, or become really empty for no reason and it really confuses me. People who know me well will know that my emotions can change in a split second and I have little to no control over it. I know that ultimately it's my problem and something that I need to learn to cope with, but I feel like things are quite tough when I have two completely contradicting emotions fighting to be the chosen one.

I know this could be a number of things such as hormones, or it could just be a process of my recovery. All I know is that it's very confusing to have to deal with because I feel like I have little control over my reactions and emotions a lot of the time.

A and B want to do different things too. A wants to listen to positive music and do things that would make me feel happy. But B wants me to do things that would hurt me, and it's hard to know what I'm dealing with a lot.

I don't hear voices or anything, I just don't know what this is. I'm sorry that it's weird and probably makes no sense to read, but I just need to get this out of my mind.

thinking

This blog post is completely unplanned and I'm just using it to explain what I'm thinking because I feel like I need to actually say it to someone other than myself.

I feel like I am at the stage of recovery now where I think I need to start moving away from the 'recovering' mentality and more towards the 'recovered'. I mean, I've been properly recovering for 15 months now and I'm at the stage where I think that I'm getting quite close to being 'better'. I still have a long way to go, but I haven't had any self harm urges in months now (clean for 18 months), I haven't had a bad panic attack in ages, I haven't felt 'depressed' (as in how I felt when my depression was at it's worst). My mood and personality are mostly stabilized too. Plus, everyone is saying how much happier I am, and I really am feeling so much happier and positive.

For the reasons stated above, I think that I actually want to move away from 'person getting better' sort of mentality, and more towards the 'this is who I am' kind of mentality. This would mean changing many things, such as this blog, or perhaps even starting a new one. I've still got a lot to think about, but I think that I may be ready to change everything once again, so that I can be exactly who I am, and not just 'a recovering girl'.

I'm sorry that this post is brief, and that I haven't posted in a while. I've just had so much to think about recently and I have been putting off writing a blog post until I could think more clearly, and ironically I'm writing a post that is not well thought out and while I am not thinking clearly, aren't I fun.

who do I want to be?

Who do I want to be?
Surely the best me that I can be,
but that's not all...


I want to be fierce and strong,
like a lion.
I want be the one who rules my life,
like a queen.
I want to be unique, an individual, one of a kind,
like a snow flake.
I want be beautiful like a tree,
and powerful like the wind.

I want to be able to stand alone,
but still be able to stand with others.
I want to be firm, but fair,
assertive but kind.
I want to be confident,
and know exactly who I am.



My journey began long ago,
but it is now that I will decide to turn
in a new direction
which will lead me to my destination.
It's going to be a strange new route,
but I'm going to take it.

I am going to be the best me that I can be,
because I am going to find who I really am.
The person that I want to be,
is going to be the person who I really am,
I just need to uncover her
and show her to the world.

I will be the best me that I can be.

how to reduce stress

The idea behind this post is very simple, I'm just going to explain ways in which I have reduced stress for myself, particularly in an educational and work environment.

The key to reducing stress is to stop doing what makes you stressed, in theory it sounds easy but in practice it can be very difficult. If you are stressed with the amount of work you get at school, you obviously can't just stop doing work- partly because you'll get in trouble, but partly because it'll make you even more stressed when you finally start again and realise you have so much more work than you did before.

One way that I've reduced my stress levels is to make lists and timetables. Making lists is easy- I simply write down what I need to do and cross it off as I do it. Not only does this give me a physical view of what I need to do, but I can also keep track easily of what I've done and so pace myself accordingly. Making timetables is something else that has helped me. They're not always neat and don't make sense to everyone, but I write down what I need to do and give myself a time to do it from and until. So, let's say I have a few things to do, I'd write down something like:

9:00-10:00      - clean room
10:15- 11:15   - subject 1-  homework
11:20- 12:00   - subject 2-  essay
12:00- 13:00   - lunch

Obviously my timetables are not exactly like that, as they contain more details of what I have to do, and I don't always include the task end times, but hopefully you understand what I mean now. Also, it's important to include little breaks if you're doing homework- your mind needs a rest.


When I have a lot of work to do at college, I always create lists or timetables to allow me to get through what I need to do in the time that I have to do it. I'm also very good at getting work done usually on the day that it is given to me, so I think that's a huge reason as to why my stress levels can remain low through periods when I have a lot of work, so if you're the type of person who usually does work at the last minute and you get stressed about it easily, try your hardest to get it done as soon as possible. Go into the library at school or college and get an hour of work out of the way, and then that gives you an extra hour in the evening to relax.

If you're doing your work early but you're still stressed about it, speak to your teacher. It may seem scary to do this because you might think that they'll just shout at you but they will try to help you through it. They may say that you can leave one or two pieces of work until you have less work to do in your other subjects and do it then. You will most likely still have to do the work, but they may extend the due date for you. It's just important to be honest with your teachers. Doing many subjects and getting work for each one soon adds up and it can be too much for some people at certain times, so your teachers will understand if you have to focus more on one subject than another at one point in time, for example, if you have a deadline for one subject, your other teachers will be a bit more lenient with you and when you give your work in.


I do not have as much experience in a work environment as in an educational environment, but when I become stressed at work, I simply push through until I have a chance to have at least a one minute break, and then if I can, I will try to temporarily change what task I'm doing to one that means I can avoid the stress for at least a minute or two. That small amount of time to just relax a bit does help me a lot.


One thing I do know is that in order to reduce stress, you must reduce contact with what stresses you. So, if you have a friend who is adding to your stress- tell them that just for now, you need a little break from speaking to them in order to do whatever you need to do. They should understand and will be happily waiting for you to return to being able to speak to them. Also, they may notice that you're stressed and just find your easier to speak to when you're not stressed, so they may welcome you to have a little break and then feel a lot better about speaking to when you return feeling less stressed.


The final piece of advice I can give you is taking care of yourself: eating healthily, drinking water, exercising a little bit, such as going for a short walk each day, and getting enough sleep will do absolute wonders in reducing your stress levels. Along with this, you may also want to do things such as having baths at the end of a long day, lighting scented candles, watching your favourite movie or tv show and just spending the evening relaxing. This will reduce your stress as well as make you feel more prepared for the next day of life and doing whatever you need to do.



I'll just quickly share some of my 'DO's and 'DON'T's of reducing stress...


DO take time out to relax
DO speak to someone you trust and tell them that you're feeling stressed
DO put yourself first when you need to
DO keep yourself healthy through eating well, etc

DON'T get angry at yourself: the stressful situation won't last forever
DON'T try to take your stress out on yourself: physical or mental harm to yourself will only make the situation worse as it'll just add another thing to be stressed about
DON'T avoid chances to relax of just have a break: your mind and body need a rest
DON'T avoid the work you need to get done: it needs to be done at some point, don't put it off all together

donating blood

As of today, I have been withdrawn as a blood donor, after nearly passing out after my donation. I have donated blood twice, and after each time I nearly passed out. They told me that I shouldn't be donating blood if it has that impact on me, which really upset me. I had always wanted to be a blood donor because it's just a good thing to do really, plus it encourages me to remain healthy and take care of myself. I will still continue to take care of myself though because I believe it's important to do so.

Because I can no longer donate blood, I'd like to raise the option for others who are able to donate blood to do so. I believe that the rules of what age you have to be differ from country to country, so I will speak in terms of the UK blood donation system as that's the only system I have ever used.

The minimum age for blood donation in the UK is 17, and I believe that the maximum is 65, so that's a lot of time that you have to consider and possibly donate blood eventually. Although there is a huge age gap in which you can donate blood, only 4% of adults in the UK do donate blood, and considering that up to a quarter of us will require blood at least once in our lifetime, from hospitalisation after an accident, childbirth or a necessary operation. So, with only 4% of people giving blood, and 25% of us needing it at some point during our lives, there's a huge gap between who gives blood and who needs it. With red blood cells having a shelf life of about 35 days, it's obvious that blood stocks constantly have to be replenished, meaning that the more people who donate blood the better.

On average, one blood donation will help three people, through a blood transfusion, or to advance medical knowledge in which they use blood donations to test for things such as possible cures for diseases. So, although I have only donated blood twice, I could have potentially helped six people, which is just great to think.

There are some rules of giving blood, and some people who simply cannot donate blood either due to diseases, pregnancy, or certain sexual activities. While the last point can cause a angered response in some people, it important that only healthy blood is given to people who need it, and so if someone knows they have had sex with someone who could potentially have a certain sexually transmitted disease and they have received that disease, they will be unable to donate blood.

Each time you donate blood, your blood is screened before being allowed to be given to a patient. The blood is screened for the presence of HIV, hepatitis B or C and a few other viruses that will negatively impact the person receiving the blood. If your blood screening shows that you have any of the viruses they have named, you will be informed, but I do not know much about that as it has not been an issue for me.

Now time for question that most people who have never donated blood before ask: does it hurt? I always give the same response to this, it does hurt a bit, however it's not the kind of pain that lasts, it simply feels like someone is pinching the skin on the inside of your elbow quite hard for about three to five seconds. After that, I don't even feel the needle in my arm and just tend to enjoy being able to relax. I listened to music and played games on my phone during my donations so kept myself occupied and entertained so didn't feel anything at all.

Some other questions that people tend to ask are: doesn't blood make you feel sick? or, what if I don't stop bleeding? The answer to the second question is simple, the people who take blood during donations are trained and know how to stop you from bleeding, however if you don't stop bleeding they would know what to do as they are trained to deal with all sorts of situations. The first question about feeling sick around blood is slightly more difficult to answer- it depends on the person. It's well known by my friends and family that I dislike blood and feel faint when I am around it or see it, but when I donate blood, I will happily be able to look at my blood, but for some people, even walking into the blood donation room is enough to cause them to pass out.

The possible final question that you may ask is: so why did you pass out? To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure, in all honesty, I think that I just don't cope well with losing a lot of blood, because I think I go into shock from blood loss a lot more quickly than some people, but that's okay, I've done what I could, and I'm glad that I did.

I think the thing that motivated me to donate blood the most was the thought of 'if I need blood one day, I'd want someone to donate blood for me to be able to use, so I should do the same while I can'.

one great year of blogging

Exactly a year ago today, I made this blog. I don't fully remember why I made this blog, but I think it was a fantastic decision! Although this is only my 110th post, and I haven't posted daily, as the name of the blog suggests I should, I have definitely made a great decision in starting this blog!

During my time of having this blog, I have noticed that I have become far more comfortable with speaking about issues that are bothering me, things that have happened in my life, or just speaking more freely about anything really, and I think that this blog has actually been a great help in increasing my confidence.

Of course, my blog is not popular at all, and I rarely get more than just a few views per post, I'm still happy to keep it going. I'm hopeful that I will be posting more regularly, however I won't make any promises.

One thing I do love about this blog is that I can share my recovery experiences, and I have been told by a few people that reading my blog helps them a bit. The blog was really intended for me to get out emotions and just express myself, but knowing that it's helped at least one person just a little bit is wonderful!

Since enabling the comments on this blog about a month ago, I have only had two, but I'm hoping that this may increase over time, as I do love hearing what people have to say about my posts and any suggestions for possible future ones. I also like being able to reply to the comments because it's just nice to communicate with people.


This has been a year well spent, I'm so glad I made this blog!

recovery, recovering, recovered?

This was a completely unplanned blog post, but I thought that it could possibly be useful for at least one person, so I hope you enjoy reading it, and please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of it, or maybe a suggestion for a future post.



I started my recovery just over a year ago, and I didn't notice any changes or improvements for a very long time, so I felt like nothing was getting better. But I kept at it, with the hope that things would eventually get better... I'm so glad I didn't give up.

When I was at my worst, I took an online depression test to have an idea of how bad things were for me. A score of 54 or above indicated severe depression. I was at 87, and the highest possible score is 90, so you can understand that things were pretty bad for me. I was already diagnosed with severe depression at the time, and I know that the online test cannot diagnose me, I simply used it to see how I was doing.

I retook the test again today and got a score of 1. It would have been 0 if I slept like a normal person, but I spend much of the night awake or wake up very early, but I'm learning to work around this and use it to my advantage.

My score on the test left me with a simple statement saying that I 'seem to accept the ups and downs which are a part of normal everyday life', and I really think that is true. I am learning to cope more with happiness, and really enjoy it, and with sadness, and learn to work through it.


Some of you may be wondering how I was able to go from severe depression to 'depression unlikely' in a year and a bit, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure as I had been suffering with depression for a lifetime, so it wasn't an easy change, but I can guess:

• I escaped situations in which I was being hurt. For me, school was a huge problem because some people just suck, I won't go into detail. But now that I am away from them, and at college, I'm coping so much better.
• I have matured. I don't know whether this is due to me getting older, or due to me just figuring out that I have to learn to cope with things, but I have definitely matured, and so the way I deal with a negative situation is now so much better than is used to be. 
• I have removed negative influences from my life such as friends who I could never really consider to be friends. Doing this has made me feel a lot more free to be myself. 
• I now have a new focus, I'm focussing on my academic success rather than what's going wrong in my life. I am trying to make the most of the situations that I have, not feel bad about what's gone wrong. 
• But the factor that I think helped me to recover the most was my determination. I told myself I was going to recover. I told myself I wasn't going to give up. I told myself I was going to be happy, and so I have been working to achieve my goal from day one. It's not always been easy, but difficult does not mean impossible. I have changed my whole life around just so I can give myself the best opportunity to recover that I can. 

I don't consider myself to be 'recovered' yet. I still have a very long way to go, but I know that I am working in the right direction, and so I am proud of myself for what I am doing. And in case you're wondering, I feel fantastic. Instead of being shadowed by pain and mental torture, I'm now finding the light in almost everything I come into contact with. I never believed I would feel like this. But if I can get to where I am now after a lifetime to depression and other mental illnesses, anyone else can too. You just have to remind yourself what you're working for.

I'm sorry that this post has been unusual, but I just wanted to share some of my success with you all, because I think that it's important that someone is able to show people that recovery really does work, because I never had anyone to look up to when I first started. 

Have a wonderful day! 

the belief of others

Self belief is something that I have always thought is important. Self belief gives us confidence and generally makes us feel better about ourselves and what we can do. But, something what is almost equally important is the belief of the others around us. It's good to believe in yourself, but if no one else believes in you, you begin to doubt yourself, and thus start to lose self belief.

Obviously you can't force people to believe in you, as that's their decision, but you can find people who do. Your family may not believe in you, but your friends might believe in you and help you out every step of the way. The best thing to do is to listen to those who actually do believe in you, and pay less attention to those who doubt you.

What I often find works well, is doing exactly what you want while believing in yourself all the way, and allow others to watch your success and slowly but surely begin to realise that you are more capable of doing things than they ever imagined. Belief from others is similar to respect in the way it is earned. It is not automatic, but you have to prove yourself worthy of it first.


At first, I don't think anyone truly believed that I would be able to stop self harming because in the past I have failed to stop myself, even after trying really hard. I didn't believe in myself to begin with, but now, over five hundred days later, I have proved myself wrong, and shown everyone else that I am so much more capable of recovery than anyone ever imagined. Because of this, I now have people who genuinely believe I can do anything, get through anything, achieve anything, and I think my hard work against tough urges and proving myself to everyone is what has allowed people to believe in me.

I have proved myself, and now they know exactly what I can do... they truly believe in me.

feeling alone

Whenever anyone makes a change in their life, big or small, it can have an impact on them or those around them. This is something that I have noticed a lot, particularly recently, as I have been making changes in my life.

Part of growing up is finding out who you are, and we have to be wrong a few times before we figure it out. This means that we have to try all sorts of different styles, ways of behaving, and having different types of friends. These changes often highlight who an 'untrue' friend is. They're someone who will only be friends with you while you do a certain thing, dress a certain way, etc. and then will want nothing to do with you when you change.

As I have made some huge changes in my life, I have noticed that more and more people I considered friends are starting to abandon me. This is because I previously had negative friends who would spend all their time telling everyone how bad their life was, but as I am wanting to get better now, I have had to make changes and this has made them stop wanting to be friends with me.

I feel as though these changes that I am making, although very positive, are causing people to not know what's going on with me. It could be considered that, as it is a recent change, they're unaware of whether its temporary or permanent. But, this is also the time that I need their support the most.

Because of this, I have felt alone a lot over the last couple of weeks, and like I have been abandoned by people I considered to be friends. It's becoming quite tough to remain positive when I'm not entirely sure who I could call a friend anymore and who is just a memory of my past.

As time goes on, and I get more comfortable settling into my new, and far more positive, way of living, I will either regain my old friends, or make new ones entirely. I just know that I will have to keep going, and fight my way through to be the person that I want to be and not change for anyone.

changes to my twitter account

Some of you may have noticed that I have slowly been making a few changes to my twitter account. Many of the people who have noticed these changes will have noticed because I have unfollowed them, and I feel like I owe you all an explanation about what's going on.

For a couple of months, I had been considering deleting my twitter account for various reasons, but the main reason being that I didn't feel like it was benefitting me at all to have it. After thinking a lot, and asking a few people what I should do, I decided to keep my account, but change it.

Part of the change is including unfollowing everyone, and then re-following people who I am friends with, or who have positive accounts. I am doing this because there have been so many times that I have gone to have a quick look at my timeline and then I'll see something triggering or upsetting, and I have decided that enough is enough and that I need to put myself first in my recovery.

I have a few more changes lined up that I may possibly make, however I am not completely sure yet, and I will still need to think about it a lot before doing anything.

I have made major changes before (complete account change including username and what I tweet about, all without warning to anyone) and that has actually been a very good choice for me, but I feel that I am ready to make the next steps forward in my recovery.

I am still currently in the process of unfollowing people, but I have a list of people that I am going to re-follow. I hope that people will be understanding of the reasons behind my choices and continue to support me through my recovery.

lists

One way that I manage to control my anxiety is by making lists. These can be lists of things I need to do, things I need to take with me, or just lists of what are bothering me. Making lists helps my anxiety because I am able to physically see wheat I need to do, and I can cross off completed items, again giving me physical evidence of what I have or haven't done.

I tend to make one list every weekend, and that is a list of things that I need to do. This weekend was no different. I am so far up to date with what I had written on the list- and yes, the blog post was on the list, except I had planned to write it on Friday night, but didn't have time. 

I'm writing this blog post for two reasons: firstly I had no idea what to write about, but secondly I feel that others with anxiety, or who like to be organised, may benefit from trying to make lists. 

The important thing about making lists for a specific time period, like a weekend, is that you have to be realistic about what you want to achieve. You shouldn't write down loads of things and then be disappointed that you didn't get them done. Often it's best to start small- write one or two things and get them done, once you've done those things, have a rest, and then consider adding another thing to the list.

This weekend I had a list divided into three sections: Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Both Friday and Saturday had three things on each list, and they were quite big things to do, which took me a while, but Sunday only has one thing to do. That's because I have decided that Sunday will be my rest day this weekend, as I wanted to get everything I needed to do out of the way as quickly as possible. 

Lists may be a helpful tool for you, or a completely useless waste of time, but unless you try using lists a few times, you'll never know. 

a random positive post about what I personally like about education

A few days ago, I wrote a post about some flaws that I have found in the education system, and I was aware that it was a truly one sided debate with a brief conclusion given to the positive opinion, so I thought it was only right for me to give an alternative point of view from my personal experience of education.

I have had a positive education, and throughout my life I have been recognised for my academic intelligence in various subject, and this is something that I have loved. I always used to enjoy receiving extra work from teachers, simply because the work for people my age was too simple for me at the time. It's no wonder that I was the top of my class across most subjects. Along with my academic intelligence, I would bring a positive attitude towards learning to every lesson, and it is for this reason that teachers have told me that I'm a 'dream' to teach. I have always had a desire to learn and obtain new knowledge, I don't know why, but I enjoy it.

Over the last few years, I have discovered that I have an ability to retain information which is considered to be above average, and because of this, I have been able to achieve amazing exam results without revising. I only really started revising for my exams last year when I sat my AS exams, but my revision did start four days before each exam, and as you can imagine, I had a lot of information to fit in my mind as I studied four subjects. But, despite this lack of revision, I did exceptionally well in my exams, achieving very good grades, and now that I am in my second year, I am going to be taking my A levels this year, and I have been informed by two of my teachers that I am on track for an A* in their subjects.

As a result of my obvious ability to achieve high grades in exams, I have been encouraged to go to university next year, and have been told by my form tutor that I will find it 'so easy' to get the highest level of qualification possible for whatever course I choose. I have decided that I will not be going to university next year though, as I have decided that I would like a break from education for a while.

One thing I do know about education is that not everyone has it as easy as me. I am incredibly lucky to have such an ability to achieve excellent results in exams without even really trying, but I know that many people do not have the same gift as me, but as many of my friends have proved, with hard work, dedication and getting support that you need from teachers in revision, you can do very well in exams, even if you are not considered to be the brightest person. One of my friends got an E in one of her mocks last year, and she was trying her hardest to do as well as possible. Her teacher told her that if she revised extremely hard, she might scrape a pass (grade C). On results day, I was incredibly proud of her, she had put in hours and hours of revision, attended extra sessions at school, and she must have completed every past paper there ever was for that subject. She got an A in the exam, and completely shocked herself and her teacher. But she is my proof that if you work hard enough for something, you will achieve it.

I do truly believe that education is such a wonderful thing and I am so thankful that I am lucky enough to be able to enhance my knowledge in areas that I enjoy. While there are some bad aspects to education which frustrate me, I will never stop being thankful that I have a right to be educated.

my problem with being open about my life

Sometimes things happen in my life that I don't really want to talk to anyone about. These things are often unpleasant or just not nice to hear about, and for that reason I tend to avoid telling people unless I trust them. These things don't happen regularly, but when they do, and I tell someone, I will only tell them if I think they will understand how to handle it.

Occasionally my trust is misplaced, and I find myself opening up to someone who just wants to shut me up so they can focus on what they deem to be important. And this is swiftly followed by me feeling let down and usually taking some time out to myself to prevent myself from feeling worse. 

There are lots of things in my life that I have never told anyone, because I'm just not ready yet, and there are other things in my life that I have told one or two people about, because I trust them and believe it's important for them to know what's going on for me so they can understand that my behaviour may be different for a certain period of time. I tell people these things, not to ask for advice, but to make them aware of what's happened.


One thing that I don't like is when my feelings are just ignored. It takes a lot for me to open up about something, and anyone who knows me well is completely aware of this, so to have my feelings invalidated by someone merely because they don't want to hear them is hurtful to me. For my problems, issues, feelings, to be reduced to nothing by someone else is unfair, especially if I take time and effort to make sure that I listen to them and help them when they need it.

Sometimes all someone needs is for someone else to listen to them and not silence them, so that the person knows that someone out there cares. 

finding who we are

Trying to find who you are in a world full of people who will criticize you is very hard, especially now that there are so many options of who you can be, and I have noticed that people can live their entire lives not really knowing who they are.

For the first few years of our lives, who we are is controlled by our parents or those who care for us. They tell us what we can wear, what we can do, who we can be friends with, and so on. As we approach our teenage years, we slowly get more freedom to be who we want to be, but it is also at this time that peer pressure rises and people wanting to be 'cool' or 'fit in' can sometimes get in the way of them being who they really want to be.

Clearly we don't all know who we want to be instantly, and it often takes a lot of experimenting to know what kind of person we want to be, what kind of clothes we want to wear, what kind of hobbies we want to have. But to me, it seems like at the same time we should be trying all sorts of things out, we allow our peers, and sometimes the media, to condemn us to fit into a certain stereotype and dictating how we should look, behave and what we should like to do.

I know plenty of people who have become a victim of this, and feel under so much pressure just to fit in, but ultimately who is it for? It's certainly not for themselves. I think that we should all be encouraged to be ourselves more, and I know that this is the same thing that everyone says, but it's something that I truly believe in. Our identities should only be chosen by us, and we should be able to feel comfortable and happy with exactly who we are, not who we should be.

The next time you have the choice to be yourself, whether it's when wearing something, starting a new hobby, whatever, just remember that your happiness and comfort with what you are doing is far more important than what anyone thinks of it.

comments now enabled

I have decided to enable people to comment on my blog posts now if they wish to- either anonymously or not. I will admit I don't completely understand how it all works, but I thought I would give it a try, after 100 successful blog posts, I think it's about time I allowed others to comment if they wanted to.

Have an amazing day!

putting myself first

I think the last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me. This is because I have been learning to focus on myself first, and put others second. Although this may sound selfish, it's a vital step forwards in my recovery and one that I have struggled with for many years.

I always thought that putting others before myself would be better, because at least that was they would be helped. But looking back now, I can see that many people have used and abused my kind approach towards others and it makes me feel like a bit of a fool really. Obviously I haven't just stopped and become self centered overnight, but I have been making slow and stead progress towards putting myself first and looking after myself more.

Over the last month or two I have slowly but surely been getting people who are negative influences out of my life- these are people such as 'friends' who only spoke to me when they wanted something, people who never bothered to listen to me or how I was doing, and people who expected me to help them though absolutely everything regardless of whether I wanted to or not. 

Since getting some of the most negative people out of my life, I feel like I am more free. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I don't have to worry about when they next speak to me and what they were going to try to ask me to do. Of course, none of them took it well to begin with. I can understand it's not nice to be told that you're hurting someone and that they want you out of their life, however I did say it in the kindest way possible, but after the way they had all treated me, I really shouldn't have cared at all.

I'm very glad that I decided to take yet another positive step forwards in my life and focus far more on myself, because I know that I am making good progress and I can actually start to see it now. 

six months of vegetarianism

On the first of April this year, I decided that I would like to try vegetarianism once again. I had tried once before a few years ago, and struggled to complete a month, but since the start of this year, I had been trying new types of food and eating more of a variety, so for that reason I thought that I was ready to try to be a vegetarian for a while. Initially I had only planned to do it for one month, then for three, but as soon as I hit those goals, I thought I would increase it to six months and then consider what to do after that. 

I have found that since becoming a vegetarian, I eat far more healthily and generally feel a lot better about eating. I have really enjoyed it, but I have felt tempted to eat meat a few times which was difficult as I have been eating meat for my whole life and all of my friends and family eat meat, so the temptation was always there, but once I make a promise to myself, I don't tend to break it.

 

I don't think anyone believed that I could be a vegetarian for longer than a few days and I have been told by many of my friends that they didn't think I'd make it over a month. One of my friends is trying to convince me that being a vegetarian is stupid and that I should stop, which is a bit frustrating, but she is entitled to her own opinion. 

Over the next week or two, I'm going to consider what I'm going to do next; whether I'm going to continue being a vegetarian, or whether I am going to start eating meat again. And if I do eat meat again, whether it is regular or just once a week or once a month. I'm not going to make any decisions until I am completely sure, but it just gives me something to think about. 

some flaws in education

The introduction of education for all in the UK in the late nineteenth century, although a brilliant step forwards in the furthering of equality among all ethnicities, social classes and genders, does have many downsides. For example, the introduction of the national curriculum means that all subjects have a limited percentage of time that each school is allowed to spend on them, with specialist schools having slight variations on these percentages, however, they are all very similar. This is not really to ensure that we all have a similar education though, but instead it is so that schools can be compared for their results more easily, as they must attract future students. Parents can easily compare the English or Maths grades of any school and know that all students are getting a fair chance. One school may average a B for all of their English exams and another may average an A. Previously the school achieving the average of an A could spend up to half of each day in English lessons and the school achieving an average of a B may only spend a quarter of each day in English lessons. However now all schools have set percentages of time which they must spend on each lesson. This does not apply to private schools.

The national curriculum exists to ensure that we all learn the same things and therefore have equal chances of passing exams. But, a downside of the national curriculum is that some students can't even imagine the thought of of studying a subject that truly interests them until they move up to sixth form or higher education, meaning that the talents they may have been able to nurture from childhood will go unused and may fade, or the person may not even know they are talented in a specific area.

The national curriculum also limits the further knowledge we may posses. Someone may enjoy learning about the human body in Biology, but the national curriculum, and their exam board, only states that they must learn the names of organs, while they may be keen to learn about things such as blood types and how diseases impact our bodies, this further knowledge is considered useless in the grading field because if it's not on a mark scheme, a mark cannot be given, no matter how much they know about something.

Another thing about education (excluding vocational education or training) is that exams are a huge part of most subjects. But these exams do not test understanding or creativity, they test our memory and ability to structure answers, even though the structures have been taught to us over and over again. For instance, I knew that in my GCSE English exam, every time I wanted to say something, I'd have to say it in a PEC format- Point, Evidence, Comment. I couldn't focus an entire essay on something that interested me, I had to write everything in a PEC format multiple times, but make sure I have an acceptable introduction and conclusion. But this wasn't unique to me, across the UK, most students followed the same format, or a format very similar to it, and this needed to be done to achieve a high grade, otherwise our writing styles would be faulted and marks would be deducted.

I see exams more as memory games than true tests of understanding. All you really have to do is write what your teacher has told you. You have to remember facts and figures, but only of things you have been taught. We all possess the same knowledge and must generate the same answers in order for us to be recognised as academically intelligent, but I regard academic intelligence and real life intelligence as two completely different things which have entirely different uses. Academic intelligence is useful for the first 16-25 years of our lives, but after that, real life intelligence is far more important and useful. So it almost seems as if what we learn during our time in education is useless to living our lives, and while this is true, in almost every job, a certain degree of academic knowledge or intelligence is required, so it's not all useless.

I could speak about the issues I have with education for hours, and it would seem that I hate learning, but I in fact love learning, but this brings me to my final point. Because education must cater to a variety of people, which means different learning speeds and styles, I personally find education to be incredibly slow. A whole lesson can be spent on something that I would happily be able to learn in ten or fifteen minutes, however the entire class must understand the content and this means that the teacher may have to repeat themselves multiple times and give more than one example to the class. It has been suggested by my friends and family that I start to teach myself ahead of classes, and this is what I have been starting to do. I am currently a few lessons ahead in all my classes, and baring in mind I only started yesterday to teach myself the content that my teachers will be going through in the future, I think this is a great start. It does however mean that during lessons the work is just being repeated, but I find this useful in memorising it, so it's not too bad. I just know I'm going to be frustrated when the material I currently have runs out and I will have to wait for my teacher to hand out the next bit of the course. But I will just deal with that as it comes.

While I understand that this blog post shines a negative light on educational establishments, I do still enjoy learning, but if it was possible, I'd love it for education to be tailored more towards each individual. But I am incredibly grateful that I am in a country where I have a right to an education, and I will make the most of all the educational opportunities that come my way, as it would be a shame to waste such an amazing privilege.

running away or towards problems

I am a strong believer that problems can be dealt with in one of two ways: you can run away from them, or run towards them. Running away from problems is always the easiest option, and solves them for a short period of time, but it's never a long term solution. However, running towards your problem means that you have no choice but to deal with it. While running towards your problem and being forced to deal with it is far more difficult, and can often not work, it's still worth a try, in my opinion.

I've got through many problems by just dealing with them head on, such as my anxiety. I do still suffer with anxiety now, but it's no way near as bad as it used to be. I used to avoid leaving the house for fear of speaking to people or encountering situations that I would panic, and also a combination of other mental illnesses preventing me from living 'normally'. But, now although I still have anxiety, I find it a lot easier to cope with. My panic attacks are far less frequent and I find it easier to deal with it in so many different situations including talking to strangers.

I have a few friends both in real life and on the internet who suffer with anxiety of varying degrees and varying levels of recovery, and they all seem to follow the same approach- running away. It wasn't actually until my best friend developed anxiety a couple of years ago that I was forced to deal with mine and try to get better. She struggled with many of the same things that I did, but she was unwilling to try to get better, and so therefore stayed at home a lot, similarly to me previously. I thought that if I worked on my anxiety, it would make our friendship easier and we could try get things back to the way they used to be.

She developed a strong fear of paying for things in shops at that time, and I had always had a fear of paying for things in shops, but for her, I tried my hardest to conquer my fear, and months on, I'm still working on it but I am definitely getting there. She is thankful that I am doing this for her, and her parents are also grateful that I am able to help her as someone who understands, as they do not have anxiety, nor do they know how to deal with it, so they are thankful for my help, but I just see it as something that any friend should do.

My friend has since maintained what I consider to be a steady level of anxiety for a while, but she still uses the 'running away from her problems' technique and has regretted it. She has told me that she wishes she could just face her problems head on in an attempt to try to beat them, however I just don't think that she is ready yet. In time though, I think she will be ready.



For me, the last month has been an interesting one for my anxiety- I have forced myself to run right towards the problem and try to beat it, and it's actually working surprisingly well. It doesn't work every time, but each time is getting me closer to where I want to be. I will henceforth continue to run towards whatever issues I have with my anxiety until I, for lack of a better word, 'beat' it.

short rant

I will never understand what compels people to feel the desire to post things on the internet with the sole intention of hurting others. It's clear that not all posts that are seen as offensive or hurtful are created with that intension, however a number of them are. These posts serve no useful purpose to the world, as spreading hate and hurtful things from one person to another is not only bad but a waste of possible productive time which the creator of the hurtful posts could instead use to do something that would be beneficial to many people.

educational standards

From birth to adulthood, we are raised to fit into a few particular standards, and failure to do so is considered bad. These standards could be good organisation, or exceptional social skills, however its obvious that we cannot all become exactly what is expected of us.

In school and other places of education, it is far more obvious that some standards are expected of everyone. These standards are things such as excellent behaviour, exemplary attendance and an outstanding work ethic, and anything less than these standards is considered punishable.

If someone misbehaves in school, let's say they get into a physical fight with someone else, the school will discipline the people involved, but rarely will they find out the reason behind the fight. The person who began the dispute may have been abused by someone the night before and feel upset and vulnerable, which may cause them to lash out without properly thinking about the consequences. But this doesn't really matter, what matters is that the person did not meet the expected standard and will therefore be punished instead of helped.

It goes without saying that not all instances of behaviour which is considered to be below par are caused by abuse, but I do believe that our behaviour is not random, and that how we act is often subconsciously impacted by what we experience in our lives. But not many people focus on the reasons behind a negative behavioural outburst, but instead focus on the punishment to try to prevent it from happening again.


There are times when people do meet the standards expected of them, and this is followed by enormous amounts of praise where they are told how amazing they are. But are they really amazing, or are they just good at acting? Someone can quite easily be very organised with their work for school, but the rest of their life can be a complete mess, both physically and emotionally, but this person is told how great they are at being organised. The same goes for an excellent work ethic. A student may love art and spend hours doing art work at home, but neglect their other work, like maths or biology, but their art teacher will praise them for being so committed and for having an outstanding work ethic, while their other teachers hand out detentions and other forms of punishment like there's no tomorrow.

This praise and punishment causes us all to find ourselves aiming for the delicate balance of perfection within education, but failure to achieve this balance will only ever make us feel like we have failed ourselves, when we have in fact not failed anyone. We all have different skills and talents, some of which don't fall under any criteria specified by any educational institutions, but that talent or skill is something that we don't fail at, but instead excel.

At the start of this post I said that this impacts us from birth to adulthood, and this is because as young adults, people often realise that educational success is something that means nothing to them, but personal achievements are all they aim for. Some people realise this sooner, others later and some not at all, but it's typically when we become young adults that we understand that the standards that we were expected to live by are nothing more than large wishes of what I will refer to as 'the lords of education' that need not be granted by every single person.

The only standards that we should live to are the ones that we set for ourselves, and the only achievements that we aim to succeed at should be the ones that we believe would be beneficial for us and those around us.

eating issues relapse

It really has been a while since I last made a blog post, and that's simply because I kept putting it off. I haven't had any ideas of what to write about recently, and I have been busy with college and a few other things, so my life has been quite hectic recently and although I have really wanted to write a blog post, I just haven't had a chance to write a proper one that I thought was good enough to post, so I just didn't. Now that that's out of the way, I can get to what this post is about.

Something that some of you may know about me, is that I have had eating issues in the past (for more information, see older post). These eating issues used to be a long term problem for me, however in the last year I have had it under control much more. It was only a few days ago that I noticed that the problem was resurfacing. 

When things get bad for me, and I lack control in the situation, one method that I always think about is restricting what I eat. I think it's partly to do with being in control of at least something in my life, but also to do with self punishment for whatever reason it may be.

Recently I have been fighting off the urges to restrict again, however a few days ago I sadly gave in and started to restrict what I eat. So after a month and a half of absolutely no calorie counting, I started to do it again. There was one change this time though: as much as I hated eating because I didn't think I deserved it, I made sure I ate 1200 calories each day as I knew that this is the minimum amount I should let myself eat.

I have spoken to one friend about this and they completely understand my reasons for doing it as they know of the pressure that I have been under recently, but I just feel that if I don't tell anyone else, I could keep it hidden for a very long time and fall back into my old ways of being, and I don't want that.

Although I was only restricting for a few days, it was a few days too many and I am upset with myself for giving in to the thoughts and punishing myself like that. Technically it is considered as a form of self harm, however I am not counting it as a relapse for my self harm recovery, but for my eating issues recovery, but I am completely fine with the relapse as it was only minor and I did make sure I consumed a healthy amount each day.

Another reason that I am being open about this is that I find the easiest way for me to change something and keep it changed is for me to openly admit that I was at fault and then state what change I am going to make, because if other people see it, I know that I have to keep at it.

So, as a result of this eating issue relapse, I'm going to delete the calorie counting app that I used on my phone, and all other things that can (and probably will) trigger me again. I will also try my hardest to eat normally again, because I know it's not right for me to do this to myself, and I need enough food to keep going.

I hope that I wont have another eating issue relapse again anytime soon, but if I do, I think I will be more open and honest about it and let people know that it is happening so they can be aware and possibly help me if they want to.

spoken poetry

I like spoken poetry. I'm not so much a fan of any poetry that's written down, because I don't think that you can get emotions into it properly. When you hear someone's voice change as they say things, you can tell what they're thinking and how they feel, and that's why I really do like spoken poetry.

I find it so amazing to hear someone express their ideas in a poetic way too, it's just another creative thing that I love. It's a bit like singing, but often the words are more meaningful because they don't have to rhyme or fit in with a beat. They can take as long as they like and they often have some humour in them.

While I was at school, we only studied old fashioned written poetry that was drowning in metaphors about things that none of us ever understood, never once did I learn about spoken word poetry, but I believe that if I did, I may have enjoyed my English lessons far more.

I was never good at writing stories or expressing ideas through essays, but through spoken poetry, I feel that I can more confidently, and with far more emotion than with anything else. The only problem is that all of my spoken poetry is currently written poetry, because I've never had the confidence to read the poetry aloud for others to hear. Maybe one day I will, but right now I know that I'm not ready. I'll definitely keep writing it though because I enjoy expressing myself in ways that allow me to be creative.

I recommend that others look into spoken poetry too, as it's very different to the written poetry that we usually think of. It's very interesting, and some of you may just find a talent for writing and performing it.

one year of recovery

Exactly a year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. After having a terrible panic attack that lasted for six hours and returning home and crying for hours while contemplating ending my life, I realised that things needed to change. After hitting rock bottom three months before that day, I thought things wouldn't get any worse, but I just remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything and almost losing control. It was at that point that I told myself that I couldn't go on like that.

After suffering a lifetime of mental illnesses, I didn't know what recovery would bring. I couldn't say that I wanted to go back to being happy like when I was a child, because I wasn't happy as a child. I knew that recovery would take me along an unknown path to a destination that I had never even caught a glimpse of before, and this terrified me. I was so scared that the end of the route wouldn't be happiness, and that I would be stuck as I was for the rest of my life.

The decision to recover was not an easy one at all, I'd put it off for as long as possible, but when I got to about three months free of all self harm, I thought I needed to do this for myself. I was at a point where I knew I could cope more easily without self harm, and this was what made me feel that I needed to start then. I also decided to start at that time because it was the start of an academic year and I thought it would be best to start then because everything was new and different.

I discussed the idea with a friend and they said that it would be a good idea to at least give it a go, and so that was when I tweeted that I had decided to start my recovery. I thought that tweeting it would be a good idea because that way I knew that people were aware so I couldn't just secretly start and then give up. I was in it for the long run.

The first few months of recovery were difficult, and every day I felt like giving up and falling back into my old ways of living, but every day I kept myself going with the hope that one day I may actually beat these mental illnesses. I guess you could say I was holding onto the hope that things would get better, and as my friends will know, I've had nights where I break and start to question whether things really do get better, or whether I'm stuck like this for life.

It's only been in the last three or four months that I have started to notice a difference. I have felt more positive and outgoing, and I have had almost full days without feeling bad at all. I've even had a whole week where I felt positive and didn't let any negativity get to me, that was a great week, and I'm hoping that in the future I will have more days and possibly weeks like that!

By sharing my recovery journey on twitter, I feel that I have had to keep up with it. People care about me and keep track of how I'm doing. They support me though my worst times, and enjoy my best times with me. Even if someone has never spoken to me, I notice that they favourite my tweets from time to time, and I appreciate that, because I can see that they're keeping track of my account and how I am doing from time to time.



I thought that I might add a little bit on the end of frequently asked questions about my recovery, but if there is anything that I didn't answer but you want to know, please feel free to message me on twitter.

Are you glad you started recovery?
Definitely!

Are you seeing the benefits of recovery?
Yes, and each time I improve I just feel so glad that I chose to recover.

Do you still have bad times?
Of course, however they are decreasing in frequency and duration.

You said you self harmed, do you still have your blades/tools?
Everything that I have used to self harm with is still in my bedroom, but I do not get them out and I do not use them. I'm hoping to be able to get rid of them in the next year. I know it sounds like a long time, but I'm 99% certain that I won't use them, so I'm not worried about having them in my room as I'm already 14 months clean, so you can see that I've gone this long, I can keep going.

Do you still get triggered?
Yes, but not as often anymore.

Would you recommend that others try to recover too?
Only if they're ready. Recovery when you're not ready can be very scary and difficult, which can make people more likely to give up. If anyone does feel ready to try though, I think they should. There will always be people to support them.

How do you motivate yourself to keep going?
Personal challenges. These can be anything from me wearing a skirt to speaking to someone new in a lesson. I will make sure that I complete these challenges, or do the best that I can at that point. These personal challenges, although small, make me feel proud of myself with each achievement.

Do you see a therapist or counsellor to help you?
I did about a year and a half ago for about six weeks, but no, not since then.

Do you take medication?
No, never have.

What do you do when you've had a bad day and you feel like things aren't going well?
I make sure I eat something whether I want to or not, and then just get into bed and watch a film to keep myself busy. I try to get to sleep as early as I can so I can try to get to the next day and hope that it will be better.

What's your goal of recovery?
Ultimately it's to be positive, confident and to learn to love myself.

How do you know you're ready for recovery?
Ask yourself if you're happy with how your life is now. If you are, great. If you're not, and you want to change it, recovery may be a good option for you to consider.

Since you started recovery, how has your self image changed?
I see myself as a more positive and friendly person who is hard working. Physically, I like my body more now. I have suffered with eating issues, so to be a healthy weight and happy with how I look is great.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how positive do you feel about recovery today?
I think I'd have to say 7. Usually I would be 8 or 9, but as I felt very triggered yesterday and had many panic attacks last night and this morning, I feel that I have slipped back just a little bit, but I know that I can get through this because I know it's only a bad couple of days and I will be okay soon.

What makes recovery easier?
Distancing yourself from what triggers you. For example, someone trying to recover from an eating disorder should avoid looking at 'thinspo'. If certain people in your life trigger you, get away from them, and if you can't, try to focus more on yourself rather than what they say or do. If you remain around things that trigger you while you're recovering, it will make your recovery much more difficult. And it can sometimes make people question whether you are taking it seriously or not. No one expects you to change everything instantly, but if you continue with the same behaviour as before starting recovery, it can be more difficult for you.



Once again, if you have any other questions, please feel free to message me on twitter. Have a wonderful day.

loving your own appearance

Unless you have had issues with the way you look for your entire life, you will most likely not truly understand just how amazing it is to have a great body image day. I've had one today and yesterday, and I've honestly never felt so confident. I know that my looks should not determine my confidence, because I know I am smart and talented at many things, but feeling good about the way I look just makes everything so much better.

After having a discussion with someone yesterday about bodies, well, they were complaining about how much they dislike their body, and they're working on it the healthy way, so for that I am really happy for them, but I couldn't help but notice that they used a lot of negative language. They told me that they 'hate' their arms and that their legs were 'huge'. As an onlooker, I noticed nothing wrong with their body. To be completely honest, that person had a great body- strong and healthy, but it also looked great too.

It's taken me a long time to realise that the only person who really cares about the way I look is me. No one else is going to feel insecure for me. It's all down to how I feel. So if I feel confident about the way I look, that's all that matters. Plus, when I feel confident, I act more confident, which makes me much more friendly because I'm usually a very shy person.

I've been thinking, and over the last month, I think I have finally learned to accept myself. I used to hate my legs, my stomach, my face, everything really. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself for what I really am, pretty damn good looking. And I don't really care who disagrees with me, my opinion on the way I look is the only thing that matters.

I no longer see a reason to try to change myself, I fully understand that I will never be perfect, but I'm starting to love my imperfections, because those are what make me into a unique person.

I'm so happy to finally be able to see this in myself. It's taken long enough, but good things come to those who wait... or those who work their butts off for it! Self love only comes from within, so be nice to yourself and learn to love yourself for exactly who you are. You'll never be happy with yourself by hating everything about you.

We're all unique, embrace that. 

my eating issues

I had the idea for this blog post earlier this morning while just resting in bed waiting for it to be an acceptable time to get up, as I woke up at five. I wanted to write it all out there and then but I thought I would give myself time during the day to plan what I was going to put in the post, which I haven't done, but I wanted to at least write out this post so I have it ready to post whenever I feel that it is suitable, which is most likely today, depending on how well I write it.

A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.

Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.

For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.

As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.

The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.



I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.

I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.

I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.



I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.

About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.

My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.


I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.

I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.

You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.



I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.

promises

To me, promises are important. If someone promises to do something, I believe they should keep that promise no matter what, or do everything they can to do what's second best. I'm the kind of person who will keep a promise and keep to my word all the time. I get so annoyed with myself if I don't keep a promise, so I do try my best, but I'm only human and sometimes promises cannot be kept, however I inform the person and make it up to them in whatever way I can.

I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.

Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.

When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.

I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.

With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.

I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.

I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.

positivity

It's difficult to remain positive all the time. Well, I think that anyone who claims to is lying. We all have times when we just feel so hopeless because something big has gone wrong, so at some point we will all have a negative attitude towards the world.

The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.

I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.

I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.

One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.

My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.

I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.

last night

I've struggled for my entire life with mental illnesses, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I have noticed a change. I began to see things, and think things that I didn't want to think or see. They weren't right. I haven't actually told many people about the specifics of each situation, because I just find it far too hard to talk about. I've told two or three people, and I've had mixed reactions.

I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.

I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.

That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.

Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.

Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.

I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.

we are the species

We are the species of waste, the species of 'would you like a plastic bag with that', and not 'do you need it?' We're the ones who buy products that can be widely recycled, but don't even attempt to do so. We're the ones smart enough to know how things decompose over time, yet we still produce items that wouldn't biodegrade for millions of years. We're the species who claim that health is important, and then genetically modify food before drowning it in chemicals and claiming it's edible. We're the species who think that land can be owned, and will stop anyone who disagrees. We control others through laws, and place labels like 'deviant' on those that we don't like the behaviour of. We're the species that would rather spend $463 million on a building which will only ever be used for a month. We're the ones who see suffering and walk past because we're too busy to stop and help. We're the species of freedom, yet we are restrained by so many rules. We're the species of unreachable expectations, but we still expect others to reach them. We're the ones who would rather capture a memory through a lens than just enjoy it as it is and capture it in our heart and mind. 

We are the species of destruction, and we can't stop ourselves. 

hypocrisy

One thing in life that I find undeniably frustrating is when people give advice that they would never take themselves and yet they expect others to follow their completely advice. This has become a particularly popular thing for people to do on twitter which I have noticed far too often for my liking.

When scrolling through my timeline, it's very common for me to see what I call 'depression accounts' (just to give them all one simple name, however not all suffer from depression, but similar mental health illnesses). Many people with these 'depression accounts' self harm or are suicidal, and they will actively tweet about their recent self harm or the fact that they want to try to kill themselves that night. Freedom of speech, I can't stop that.

One thing that I have noticed is that these 'depression accounts' intercommunicate frequently, especially in attempts to stop others from hurting themselves. They will say 'don't cut yourself tonight', when they themselves have every intension of doing so. Some will say 'show --- that things get better' when they truly believe that things will not get better for them.

I learned a while ago that giving advice that I wouldn't take myself is useless. I didn't start my recovery by choice, but one of the factors encouraging me to keep recovering was that I didn't want to be a hypocrite anymore. I wanted to be able to say that recovery works, that I'm feeling better and that the urges had gone, and have people believe me because they can actually see that I'm telling the truth. I wanted to push myself towards recovery, even though deep inside me, I never wanted to get better. But I was sick of feeling like any advice I gave was a lie. So I had to take my own advice for once and start to get better.

When I was very bad, I remember being told by so many people that I gave 'great advice' but that I should take my own advice too. I can recall that feeling like an impossible task that I would actively refuse to do, because I thought it was too hard. Well, over a year on, I can tell you that yes it was hard, and yes it did suck, but it was worth it. My own advice helped me so much more than I could ever have imagined, and that's because I stopped being hypocritical and finally decided that I needed to practice what I preach.

Although this may sound selfish, it's important that it's done. Recovery is a highly personal journey, people can guide you along the way, but it's you who has to take each step. So focussing on yourself is crucial, even if you don't want to. Spending more time following your own good advice to help you to get better would be so much more beneficial to you than helping a thousand other people to recover.

You need to take the first few steps yourself, show that the advice works, and that you're living proof that it's a good idea. So, go on, try your hardest to find alternative coping mechanisms, write down your thoughts like you tell others to, talk to your friend to vent your frustrations, find a hobby that allows you to take your mind off things. Don't just give this good advice to others, take it yourself. 

persistence

When entering a password, often if we are uncertain, or when we know we have made an error, we erase the whole thing, even though we cannot see whether we actually are right or wrong. For all we know, the password could be completely correct, but we erase it and start again, trying to get it perfect the next time.

In a way, this knowledge can be used on ourselves. When things begin to go wrong, or even when it feels like things are starting to go wrong, sometimes we choose to give up. This could be with anything; a friendship, art work, or even recovery.

Things are always going to go wrong, but that doesn't mean that you can give up. It's very rare for things to be right the first time, so persistence is needed to succeed.

Relating this back to recovery; you'll have good days, and bad days. At first, there will be more bad than good, but in time, and by not giving up, you'll have more good days. Don't waste all the good work you've done just because something goes wrong. You can't make an omelette without cracking a few eggs first.