Unless you have had issues with the way you look for your entire life, you will most likely not truly understand just how amazing it is to have a great body image day. I've had one today and yesterday, and I've honestly never felt so confident. I know that my looks should not determine my confidence, because I know I am smart and talented at many things, but feeling good about the way I look just makes everything so much better.
After having a discussion with someone yesterday about bodies, well, they were complaining about how much they dislike their body, and they're working on it the healthy way, so for that I am really happy for them, but I couldn't help but notice that they used a lot of negative language. They told me that they 'hate' their arms and that their legs were 'huge'. As an onlooker, I noticed nothing wrong with their body. To be completely honest, that person had a great body- strong and healthy, but it also looked great too.
It's taken me a long time to realise that the only person who really cares about the way I look is me. No one else is going to feel insecure for me. It's all down to how I feel. So if I feel confident about the way I look, that's all that matters. Plus, when I feel confident, I act more confident, which makes me much more friendly because I'm usually a very shy person.
I've been thinking, and over the last month, I think I have finally learned to accept myself. I used to hate my legs, my stomach, my face, everything really. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself for what I really am, pretty damn good looking. And I don't really care who disagrees with me, my opinion on the way I look is the only thing that matters.
I no longer see a reason to try to change myself, I fully understand that I will never be perfect, but I'm starting to love my imperfections, because those are what make me into a unique person.
I'm so happy to finally be able to see this in myself. It's taken long enough, but good things come to those who wait... or those who work their butts off for it! Self love only comes from within, so be nice to yourself and learn to love yourself for exactly who you are. You'll never be happy with yourself by hating everything about you.
We're all unique, embrace that.
Sunday 24 August 2014
Friday 22 August 2014
my eating issues
I had the idea for this blog post earlier this morning while just resting in bed waiting for it to be an acceptable time to get up, as I woke up at five. I wanted to write it all out there and then but I thought I would give myself time during the day to plan what I was going to put in the post, which I haven't done, but I wanted to at least write out this post so I have it ready to post whenever I feel that it is suitable, which is most likely today, depending on how well I write it.
A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.
Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.
For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.
As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.
The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.
I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.
I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.
I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.
I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.
About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.
My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.
I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.
I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.
You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.
I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.
A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.
Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.
For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.
As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.
The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.
I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.
I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.
I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.
I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.
About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.
My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.
I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.
I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.
You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.
I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.
Thursday 21 August 2014
promises
To me, promises are important. If someone promises to do something, I believe they should keep that promise no matter what, or do everything they can to do what's second best. I'm the kind of person who will keep a promise and keep to my word all the time. I get so annoyed with myself if I don't keep a promise, so I do try my best, but I'm only human and sometimes promises cannot be kept, however I inform the person and make it up to them in whatever way I can.
I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.
Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.
When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.
I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.
With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.
I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.
I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.
I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.
Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.
When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.
I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.
With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.
I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.
I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.
Monday 4 August 2014
positivity
It's difficult to remain positive all the time. Well, I think that anyone who claims to is lying. We all have times when we just feel so hopeless because something big has gone wrong, so at some point we will all have a negative attitude towards the world.
The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.
I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.
I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.
One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.
My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.
I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.
The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.
I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.
I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.
One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.
My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.
I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.
Saturday 2 August 2014
last night
I've struggled for my entire life with mental illnesses, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I have noticed a change. I began to see things, and think things that I didn't want to think or see. They weren't right. I haven't actually told many people about the specifics of each situation, because I just find it far too hard to talk about. I've told two or three people, and I've had mixed reactions.
I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.
I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.
That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.
Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.
Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.
I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.
I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.
I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.
That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.
Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.
Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.
I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.
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