assumptions can hurt

Those of you who follow me on twitter will be aware that my name on it can make my account seem like it is a help account, but it is not. My account hasn't been a help account for many months now, and I have reasons for that. But still, people continue to assume that my account was created simply to help others. When actually, it hasn't been a help account for any of the time that I have had my new username (and before that too). I changed my username at least eight months ago. 

My account is not a help account anymore because I cannot handle helping people most of the time. Often people trigger me without even considering that I have emotions, and when they do finally realise that I cannot handle helping them anymore, they disappear without saying a word. They do not thank me for helping them, and they do not apologise for triggering me. They simply leave me in a bad state of mind which I then have to try to fix on my own. 

You may tell me to just tell whoever asks me for help that I can't handle helping them, well that's a good suggestion in theory, but when they threaten to do things to themselves if I do not help them, I cannot escape the situation at all and must try to help them as much as I can. Occasionally in this situation I will ask someone else to speak to them, but only after I have tried all I can to help them.

Of course, not everyone threatens me into helping them, but I have had negative reactions from quite a few people before. I have explained that I am unable to help them and that they should seek help elsewhere because I cannot handle it, and they will suddenly tell me that I am a 'useless help account', even though I'm not a help account. This is when the assumptions really begin to hurt. People assume that I am a help account and so feel that it is right to say things that are just out of order because they do not get what they want. If they cared to ask if I was able to help them, then I would be able to explain the situation. 

Sadly a lot of people see me as nothing but a help account, so when messaging me, they will never once ask how I am, but expect me to do everything I can to help them. It's hard work helping people, but it's even harder when they don't care about your well being.

I am not a help account, I am a recovery account. I am not claiming that I am a help account at all, and I would greatly appreciate it if people stopped assuming that I am a help account. Behind my twitter account is a human being. Please respect that I have feelings and that recovery is hard enough already without being threatened, abused or expected to help anyone and everyone who asks for it. Thank you. 

the end of the academic year

Towards the end of every academic year my attitude changes quite dramatically. Usually I am a hard working person who always does their homework and works hard in lessons, but in the last month of the academic year I just seem to stop caring. 

I start to only half do work or keep telling myself that I will do it later, but I never do. This never used to be a problem, because during my time at high school, I could get away with not doing work and then suddenly somehow knowing exactly what the answers are, or the work just didn't matter anyway because it was set in the last (often incredibly useless) month in school. The work meant nothing and did not allow me to gain anything towards my final grade, henceforth I deemed it useless. 

Now that I am in college, which to clear up the meaning of it for people throughout the world- in England, college is where you go after high school, it is not the same as what American's call college, we go there from age 16-18. University is the equivalent of an American college. Lots of Americans get confused when I say I am in college at my age, but it's just what we call it over here. Anyway, now that I am in college (also known as sixth form, just to confuse you even more) my work now actually has meaning. So I am supposed to keep focused and maintain my hard work until the start of summer. It sucks. 

Once my exams are done, I sort of turn into a different person. A person who cannot be bothered with any sort of education at all, and this has not changed as I have got older. So now I am setting myself up for a bad summer. I will have a lot of work to do and I still won't be bothered to do it.

I just feel like I need a week away from college to relax and then I will be able to start working hard again, but I have to stay at college until summer starts. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until annual taste of freedom begins, but I know that once it begins, I just get closer and closer to the start of my next year in education. It just feels like an endless cycle. 

social anxiety

Social anxiety is often misinterpreted as being shy, especially in young children, but, simply put, it is a fear of social situations. The anxiety can cause someone to feel uneasy, have panic attacks or avoid social situations completely.

I have had social anxiety for most of my life, well, as long as I can remember, but it was only diagnosed a few years ago. Before that point I was simply being accused of being shy, and yes to some extent I was shy, but I also had social anxiety. No one really thought of this as an explanation at the time though, but after evaluation, it is apparent that it was social anxiety.

Social situations used to make me feel nervous and I'd often panic, but because I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I'd have to stay in the situation because I didn't want anyone to question me as I walked out of it. I perfected the art of completely hiding a panic attack, something which has proved to be very useful recently. Some of my worst triggers were being with people I don't know, talking in front of people and being late for something. Other things triggered my anxiety too, but those were the three worst.

Thankfully my social anxiety isn't too bad anymore, but that's only because I learned how to cope during situations in which I felt anxious, and I learned what I needed to do to recover.

During times when my anxiety was bad, and it caused a panic attack, I learned that breathing deeply and slowly helped me a lot. It sounds simple but it works very well. The best thing to do is to focus on an object in front of you and just stare at it when you're breathing deeply. It can look quite odd to people who notice you doing it, but in time you learn how to be more subtle with it, and now I can do it without anyone noticing. It just takes practice. If at all possible though, avoid the situation that sets off your anxiety and that will make everything easier, but that doesn't mean that you should hide away from the world. Little challenges every now and then will help you a lot.

I have a friend who has anxiety, but she has only had it for about two years, so she doesn't know how to deal with it a lot of the time. Having her suffering with anxiety too has actually helped me to recover from my anxiety. She asks me to do a lot of things for her, like speaking to strangers or paying for something in a shop, all situations that make me feel anxious, but when I am forced to do it for her, I learn how to push my anxiety to one side and just complete the task.

If I know in advance that I am going to be in a situation that will make me feel anxious, I mentally prepare myself. I imagine what will happen and run through many possible scenarios in my mind of what may happen and how I will deal with it. This is another thing that becomes easier with practice. I can now do this while still having a perfectly normal conversation with someone. In the past I would have to take an hour to myself to sit in silence, but now I can successfully do it in a way that is completely undetectable to anyone.


With practice, anxiety becomes very easy to deal with. It just takes time. I still have a long way to go until I could say that I have recovered from my anxiety, but I am doing all the right things to help me to get there.

we are not statistics

Statistics are quantitative data often collected on a large scale by organisations such as the government, charities or businesses. Statistics are collected on us throughout our whole lives, from our grades during education to how much we earn, and even the age we die and the cause of it. It can sometimes seem like our lives have been reduced to numerical data used by those in power to make changes to suit our lives as we change and progress through time. This can benefit us immensely, we can use statistics to forecast the weather and to predict diseases, but statistics can also just transform us into nothing other than a set of numbers.

We are all unique; we all have different genes making us physically different. As well as our genes, we have non-physical differences, such as our thoughts, feelings, memories, hopes and desires. Statistics don't take these into account most of the time. Our personalities and histories are discarded, so surely some statistics lack understanding or reason behind them. Crime statistics are a perfect example of this; they show us how many crimes have been committed in different areas and by what gender, but they don't offer explanation to why some areas have higher crime rates than others. Further studies can be conducted to find the reasons, but the statistics themselves give us no insight into the reasons behind the differences.

Statistics can be used to predict things such as crime, but it is only after the crime has been committed that people choose to understand the reasons behind the actions. A murderer, for example, may be in an area where statistics show there are high numbers of murders compared to other areas, but it is only after the murder has been committed that anyone tries to analyse the person's character. They try to understand what events in the person's life could have triggered such a reaction. Surely if this was done beforehand, the murder could have been prevented. Every person could be completely analysed and this would help us to have more of an idea of who will do what. Some people may be more likely to commit crimes than others due to their upbringing, but they may live in an area where the crime levels are very low. With understanding of how they were raised, we would be able to predict that something may happen before it actually does.

The use of statistics is often misunderstood by people. Statistics create 'norms' and people often feel that they have to live up to them. All kinds of statistics are kept on the weight and health of a nation, these offer us information on what percentage of the population is over weight or obese. Along with this we are told what an 'ideal' weight would be for people of different heights. This is good in theory, until you take into account that everyone is different. Muscle is more dense than fat, so already we have found a flaw in the use of statistics to determine someone's 'ideal' weight. Someone's 'ideal' weight should be what is healthy for them, and this again differs from person to person.


We are not statistics. We are all unique individual human beings. Of course statistics are often quick and simple to obtain, but they lack understanding behind them, meaning that practical applications are instantly reduced. Maybe one day there will be more emphasis on the differences of every individual, but until then, we must rely on being seen as a large collection of numbers.

the impact of the wind

The idea for this blog came to me earlier as I was lying on the ground under a tree for a while. I was observing it slowly swaying in the wind, and it caused me to think...

Wind is an invisible force, it cannot be seen as a physical thing, but the effects of it can be seen, such as litter being moved when there is a light breeze. After thinking about wind being invisible, and watching a tree swaying, I thought harder about it and it became a metaphor in my mind.

Think of yourself as a tree. You have leaves, branches, a trunk and roots. Your leaves represent what is obvious about you, the things that you do not keep hidden. These could be things such as basic emotions, personality traits, your wants and your needs. The things that you make public about yourself are the leaves. Your trunk is your inner self; who you truly are inside and what can't be changed easily. This could be your beliefs or true desires in life. Your branches are what connect your inner self to your outer self, and your roots are what connect you to the world. And finally, let's say that the wind is a variable from the rest of the world, whether it be positive or negative.

When the wind hits your tree, the leaves move a lot. This movement represents your overt reactions, such as happiness or sadness towards the situation. The most movement occurs in the leaves. These are what are impacted most by the wind. Emotions change very frequently and fluctuate many times during just one day, much like the leaves of a tree; they will never all stay still for a whole day. There will always be at least a bit of wind hitting them, causing them to move.

The branches connecting the leaves to the trunk of the tree absorb and reduce the movement of the wind hitting the leaves, until there is almost no movement so very little of the energy reaches the trunk. The branches become thicker, and stronger as they get closer to the trunk, and this helps to lessen the impact of the wind. The branches act as your informed thoughts and decisions. They represent what you have thought through, such as a way to deal with something that is hurting you.

The trunk of the tree is very thick and strong, and never moves very much. It will sway when there is strong wind. The trunk represents your inner self; the things that cannot be changed easily. When wind hits a tree, it will not automatically snap a trunk. It will take a strong wind and for a period of time to weaken the trunk enough for it to snap, and this does not occur often. If you think about how often there is wind blowing on a tree, you'll notice that a tree trunk very rarely snaps due to wind.

Roots are the part of trees that are often not considered, as we cannot see them, but they are still there and arguably the most important feature for the survival of a tree. I compared the roots of a tree to a person's connection to the world. Although it is not always seen, or felt by the individual, the connection is always there and much stronger than we could ever imagine.


As wind impacts a tree, the force is reduced as it gets closer to the trunk. This is very similar to what happens when something impacts someone's emotions. Let's say something bad happens to someone, like a friend betrays them, this will represent the wind. A person may show that they are upset or annoyed with the friend, and these emotions will be visible to anyone the person is in contact with. The person may react instinctively, but after some time of being able to think, their actions and thoughts about the situation will be much more considered than when the event occurred. This is the branches doing their job. They are allowing control to be regained over the situation. As time passes by, and the person thinks and acts in more sensible and considered ways, the possible movement in the trunk is reduced to almost nothing. Their core beliefs will not be altered much; they will still believe in what they believed in before, for example, they will continue to believe that killing is wrong, or still follow their religion as before, and most of their core beliefs will be unchanged. Their core belief of friendship will be slightly altered though. As the trunk sways ever so slightly, so do our core beliefs. It is very rare for all of our beliefs to be 'snapped' and turned around, but with enough wind, it can be done.

I've always had a love of nature, particularly trees, and I think that it is only now that I am understanding why that has always been the case.

update

I am very sorry for the lack of a blog post for the last four days, I have had a lot going on, and I've been very busy over the last few days, so I thought I would just leave my blog until I felt I was ready to post again, which I think I am now.

For any of those who follow me on twitter, you may have noticed my tweets have been a bit different recently. As I mentioned above, I have had a lot going on and I haven't really been sure how to deal with it. I won't explain much about what has happened, because I believe that should remain between that person and I (however I am aware that they have told at least one person already) but to briefly explain, I have had an on going collision of opposing facts with someone, which was triggered by a clash in personalities. I think the reason it got to such an extreme disagreement was because a very similar thing has happened before with two other people I once considered to be my friends, so not only did it hurt as it was happening, it also brought back some very bad memories for me.

As much as I'd like it to be over, I know that it isn't. There is still more that needs to be sorted, but right now I can't face dealing with it again. Anyway, enough about that as I don't want to explain any more about it.

This blog post wasn't really planned, so I think I'll just explain about how I'm feeling right now. I know that it is not that interesting, but I feel that I need to open up about how I'm feeling somewhere.

At the moment, I feel numb. I've felt numb for three days, after a relatively small, but still quite bad, breakdown on Monday night caused by what was happening with the person I mentioned earlier. My mind has been feeling empty, as if I can't think. I really haven't thought much over the last few days, I've just been doing what I'm used to. Getting up, living my day and then returning to a state of emptiness at home. Despite my mind feeling empty, my emotions have been far more extreme than usual. I'm crying far more often, at least three or four times a day, compared to the usual of between once a week and once a fortnight. I just don't really know how to deal with these emotions for much longer, I'm used to being able to control most of my emotions, so to have them out of control like that makes me feel scared.

I just hope that things start to get easier for me soon, because I'm really struggling with everything right now, and it takes a lot for me to admit that. I try to keep myself together as much as I can, but I feel like this is starting to get too much now. I'm not sure what to do though, I've tried everything I know has worked in the past for me, as well as things that haven't worked in the past. I think I'll just have to wait for things to get better for me. I really hope it'll be soon...

we live and we learn

A phrase I often find myself saying when something has gone wrong is 'we live and we learn'. I don't know when I started using it, or where I got it from, but it has become a phrase I use quite a lot. I have never really thought about what it means though, and it is only now that the meaning of the phrase is finally hitting me.

Everyone makes mistakes, that's what makes us human. No one is perfect, and perfection will never be expected of anyone. It may sometimes feel like perfection is expected, but we all understand that everyone has flaws, so we accept these. But, something seen as a flaw to one person could be seen as an amazing personality trait by someone else, for example someone who is brutally honest about everything- some people don't like people being so honest and not putting any emotional cushion on the truth, but other people would see brutal honesty as a personality trait that should be respected because it's not often that people feel comfortable enough with others to be brutally honest all the time.

As no one is perfect, it's inevitable that we make mistakes, some may be small, others may be big. Whatever mistake anyone has made, they should learn from it. At the time, we could be embarrassed or annoyed with ourselves, and this is only natural, but in time, if we think about what had happened, we can analyse the cause of the mistake and this will mean that we can learn how to avoid making the same mistake again. We don't always learn from our mistakes the first time. Sometimes it takes a few similar mistakes to learn how to avoid it in the future, and this is okay.

There is no single meaning to life; many people will have their own ideas of what the meaning of life is, but there is not one meaning for everyone. I don't know what my meaning to life is, yet I have a few meanings, and one of them is to never stop learning. I don't mean learning in school or another place of education, I mean learning through experiences. I think that the day we stop learning from our experiences is the day our lives lose so much meaning. I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this, but this is just what I think.

I always try to learn from my experiences, both good and bad. Doing this allows me to very slowly become a better person. I learn how to be kinder and more caring to people, but also that I am important and that I must look after myself too. I learn what hurts me and what makes me feel better, and so can stay away from what makes me feel bad but spend more time doing what makes me feel good.

I learn about myself and the world around me as much as I can. There is so much out there that I believe needs to be learned. The world is full of amazing people, places and things, and it would be wrong to not explore and learn about them, but also myself.

I will continue to live and learn through my mistakes and successes, and by doing this, I will be less harsh with myself when things do go wrong. Once I start treating myself like the person I really am,  I will be happier. I am an imperfect person, and I should not punish myself for being imperfect, as I cannot change this about myself. It's not just that I can't change this about myself, but I don't want to change it. Perfection leaves no room for improvement, so I'd just become bored with myself.



The fool in life is not the person who makes many mistakes, the fool is the person who makes the same mistake over and over again. 

the panic attack

This morning, for reasons unknown to me, I had a panic attack. This wasn't a 'normal' panic attack for me. I usually find them relatively easy to deal with due to having a lot of experience in sorting myself out during panic attacks. This morning it was different though. I didn't know how to deal with it and I don't know why it happened.

I was getting ready for college and then I just began to feel nervous. This nervousness was shortly followed by a strong need to be sick. I had to fight this though because I had to leave the house in less than half an hour and I didn't have time to be sick. I don't know if you've ever had to try to stop yourself from being sick, but it's not that easy to do, especially while panicking.

Surely almost being sick would be enough to deal with, but that's when I felt really light headed and my arms and legs began to get numb. My vision narrowed as I started to see black, and my body went cold. This was when I knew I was close to passing out.

The best thing for me to have done would probably have been to stay at home, but instead I forced myself to go to college. I then had to sit in an enclosed and crowded room for almost an hour. During that hour, I had to stop myself from passing out, as well as stop myself from being sick, and somehow listen to what was being said. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult.

I wanted to run out of the room and just find somewhere quiet to panic and cry, but I couldn't. There was no way for me to get out of the room without drawing attention to myself so I had to force myself to stay exactly where I was. So, while sitting in the room having the panic attack, I managed to sort myself out by using basic things that I have learned throughout my life. I was pressing pressure points on my wrists to reduce the feeling of needing to be sick, and breathed deeply and slowly while focusing on a single object in the room to stop me from passing out. Thankfully these little actions were very successful in helping me to deal with what was going on.

I think my experience with panic attacks helped me a lot today, but I have never experienced anything that bad so I was in unknown territory, but I think I handled it well considering I had to do it alone, in silence and without drawing attention to myself.

The panic attack lasted for just over two hours, and the cause is unknown, so I can't prevent it in the future. I just hope I don't have to put up with anything that bad again. I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through it without doing something bad. But, somehow I did.

one year clean

Wow. I still find it weird to think that I am a year clean. I can't believe how much things have changed for me. It really doesn't feel like a year since the last time I self harmed. I'm just shocked I managed to do this! I have tried to stop self harming before and it never worked out that well, but this time I have showed myself that I actually can do it. I am over three times further than my previous record of being clean, and I'm just so proud of myself.

I thought that as today is a special day for me, I'd write a longer blog post, but mainly a question and answer post. I asked a friend to help me to think of questions that people may be curious about me or self harm in general, so I will be answering those questions.

How long have you been self harming?
About thirteen years. I started when I was about four.

Why did you start self harming?
I don't fully know why I started self harming as I started at such a young age, but I used it as a way to cope with what was going on, such as family issues and bullying. 

Why did you stop?
I had to stop because I didn't want certain people using the fact that I self harmed against me.

How did you stop?
I don't completely remember, most of last year is a blur to me because my mind has suppressed memories to protect me. But, from what I remember, I just stopped and didn't replace it with anything, so it was a very difficult way to stop and it wasn't until about six months ago that I finally found something to replace self harming with.

What do you do instead of self harming now?
I run. Running has really helped me to release emotions, but also maintain a healthy lifestyle. It's sort of a win-win for me. However I haven't been able to run recently due to an injury so I haven't had an alternative coping mechanism. I have tried using art and writing, but they don't help me as much as running does.

Do you know anyone who self harms? Do they still do it?
I know people who used to self harm, but they all stopped before I did. They self harmed for various reasons including mental illnesses and dealing with the loss of a family member. They have all stopped now though.

Have your friends helped you to stop self harming?
No. But they know that I'd prefer to do this alone, and that I would talk to them if I needed their support. I have seen friends when I needed a distraction, but they were completely unaware that I was very triggered. I guess that is them helping me, but I'm referring to whether they help me through trying to talk about my problems or not.

What method of self harming did you use?
Sadly I have used so many methods. I have self harmed from a very young age so as I got older, the self harm got more destructive, and I've tried so many things to try to hurt myself. There are only a few things that I haven't done.

Have your scars healed?
As cutting was one of the methods of self harm I used, I did have scars. They are still visible if you look very carefully, however my body heals quickly so they have faded quite a lot. I can see them though, and I notice them a lot of the time. There are times that my scars become more visible, for example when I have a bath, my scars become more obvious, or when it's cold outside. But, to anyone else, my scars are not visible. You have to know where to look on my body to be able to find them or notice them, but they are not obvious at all. I am hoping that the scars will fade even more over time.

Do people who no longer self harm get triggered?
Yes. I still get triggered, and others do too.

How long does it take for the self harm urges to become less frequent?
It depends on the person. For some people it can be as quickly as a week. For me it was five months before my urges to self harm became less frequent, so the first five months for me were extremely difficult.

How often do you have urges to self harm now?
When I'm lucky it can be as little as once a week, but it usually averages at about four times a week, but there are some days when I can have urges all the time.

How long do your urges last?
I categorise my urges into two types; minor and major. Minor ones last a minimum of forty minutes and a maximum of five hours. Major ones can last for up to a month.

What are the 'major' urges like?
It's difficult to explain, but it's a constant desire to hurt myself. It doesn't go away no matter what I do. These urges occur when I am at an extremely low point.

Do you ever miss self harming?
I hate to admit it, but yes. It's what I grew up with and it's something I knew I could do to help me, so I'm having to change so much about my life so I can go without hurting myself.

Are you glad you stopped?
Yes.

Have you got rid of what you used to harm yourself?
No. I still have them, but they're in a drawer which I very rarely go into. In the last year I have opened the drawer five or six times to get something out of it (not the self harm tools).

How do I tell someone I'm self harming?
Telling them face to face is always best in my opinion, so you could say it to them, or write it down and give it to them to read and then speak to them about it after they have read it. Telling someone over text or the internet isn't really a good way to tell someone because you can't see their reaction. They could be very hurt to hear that you're hurting yourself but just not tell you. It's the sort of thing that should be done face to face I think.

Can I work on recovery if I'm not ready to stop self harming yet?
Yes you can, but I think it would be best to try to stop self harming as well as recovering because that will promote a healthier lifestyle in general if you have a healthier coping mechanism. I started my recovery a couple of months after I stopped self harming because I wanted to make sure that I was ready. You don't have to stop self harming to start recovery, but I think it would be a good idea to try.

What should I do if a friend self harms?
Try to talk to them about why they are harming themselves, but don't force them if they don't want to say. Sometimes people find it easier not to discuss their reasons for self harming. Let them know that you are there to speak to, and if you are not already, try to be as open as possible with them. If they can see that you're being honest because you trust them, they will be more likely to talk to you about what's going on. Also, try to notice when they are not feeling so good and ask them if they are okay, offer to talk to them so they know you're there for them. Just be the best friend you can possibly be, they will be so grateful for your help through their struggles.

Why do images of self harm posted on the internet trigger people?
It's difficult to speak for everyone, but images of self harm trigger me because they bring back memories of the times I have hurt myself, and these memories make me think about the past, which makes me feel like I need to hurt myself again. Well, it's more complex than that, but that's just a brief explanation. For some, seeing images of self harm reminds them of times when they were feeling bad like that, and for others, seeing self harm images can push them over the edge if they are already triggered. I just think that posting self harm images online isn't fair on anyone, even if they put a 'trigger warning', people still see it. It's hard to explain the reasons that self harm images trigger people, but they definitely do. 

Does stress make self harm urges worse? What can be done to solve this?
Stress is often a very triggering for people who self harm because it's just extra pressure that they don't need and often don't know how to deal with properly. If you are becoming stressed, you need to take some time out to yourself. Relax. Take care of yourself. Imagine that you are someone else, you'd tell them to take time out to themselves if they were stressed, so do the same for yourself.

Does relapsing make you a failure?
Not at all. Of course, relapsing isn't good, but as long as you were trying to stop, you're making a step in the right direction. It just means you have to start from the beginning, but it doesn't make you a failure at all. When you relapse, be kind to yourself because it's a tough time for you already, so don't make it any harder on yourself.

Are people who have recovered special or can anyone do it?
Anyone can recover. It just takes a lot of hard work, determination and self belief, and these things can take a long time for someone to develop strongly enough to allow them to recover, so it can feel like only certain people can recover, but anyone can do it.

Do girls like it when guys kiss their scars?
I wasn't sure about answering this question because it can actually cause some debates that I don't really want to have. Personally, I would hate it if a guy kissed my scars. The scars on my body are no more special than any other part of my body. I wouldn't want anyone to specifically focus on them to kiss them, as it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Some people do like the idea of their scars being kissed though. 

If I am struggling with similar issues to someone, should I help them?
You can if you want to. If the other person is willing to, you can work together on getting better so it can be a positive thing. However, it can also be very triggering and you could end up feeling worse than you did in the beginning.

Is it a good idea to take someones blades away from them?
Sometimes it can really help people if they don't have their blades (or whatever they used to hurt themselves with) because without a specific tool, they may not want to hurt themselves as some people are very particular about what tools they use. On the other hand, I am proof that you don't need to take someones self harm tools away from them. I haven't got rid of mine yet because I still don't feel ready. To me, they are like a safety net, and I'm not quite ready to go without them. I know I won't use them, but knowing they're there can help me a bit sometimes.

Is it only girls that self harm?
No, I know more boys that self harm than girls. Three of my closest friends have self harmed in the past, and two of them are boys. 


What have you learned from deciding to recover from self harming?
I have learned that I am actually much stronger than I ever thought I was, and that I don't need to punish myself for things that go wrong in my life. I have learned that taking care of myself is very important and that it brings so many benefits to my life and the lives of those around me. I have become more confident since I stopped self harming, as I no longer need to hide parts of my body. I have learned that I am important and that I actually deserve to be happy and healthy. 



Those were just some of the questions my friend and I came up with, there were so many more but I didn't know how to word the answers to those questions.

I am very proud of my achievement of being one year clean. I never imagined I would ever get this far. During the last year, things have changed a lot for me. My thoughts and opinions towards certain things have changed, and these changes in opinions have helped me a lot. I have learned a lot about myself and those around me, and I am extremely grateful for their support while I was struggling at times. It is not just me who has noticed a change in me, lots of people have commented on how much happier and confident I seem. I'm really glad that people have noticed these things, because it just proves to me that I really am getting better even though it is a very slow process, which is very tough at times.

If you are thinking about stopping self harming, I really think it is worth a try. You will feel so much better about yourself and the world after a while. Just remember, "every great accomplishment starts with the decision to try."

comfort

Sometimes I get pushed out of my comfort zone, but not for a good reason. Not for a reason that would make me grow as a person, or help me to develop new skills. No. Sometimes I get pushed out of my comfort zone because people try to manipulate me for their own personal gain. The bad thing is that they don't realise that what they're doing will backfire on someone, usually me. 

Sometimes people can be requesting information from me, or asking me to do something that I'd rather not do. And of course, I will help people out as much as I can, but when it becomes uncomfortable for me I tend to retreat. 

This retreat can be physical, verbal or emotional. With a physical retreat, I will distance myself from everything and try to avoid getting involved. A verbal retreat involves me reducing how much I speak, not to get attention, but because sometimes I find it easier to learn from just listening to people. Verbal retreats can vary from reducing how much I speak by just a little bit, to not speaking at all for certain periods of time. And finally, emotional retreats are probably the scariest for me. I become numb and don't feel emotions either towards others or myself. This is when things can get dangerous for me. If I don't feel any emotions towards myself, then I can do bad things. 

This is why I fear leaving my comfort zone sometimes, because I just don't know what sort of retreat will occur until it's too late. 

learning to let go

I'm the type of person who becomes easily annoyed by things. I don't let them go easily, I'd like to, but I just can't seem to be able to. Something will annoy, anger or upset me and it will really get me deep inside. It's like whatever has caused an emotional reaction has gone straight to the core of my body and I have to wait for it to slowly disappear, and it is a slow process. Something can impact me for hours. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I mean that nothing will take my mind off it. It literally makes my heart ache, I have no idea why that happens but it just does. But that just briefly explains the extent of the sort of reaction I can have.

I really struggle to let things go, but most people won't believe me when I say that. I give the impression of being such an easy going person who lets things go so easily, and who is willing to do almost anything and not mind. This is actually the opposite of the truth. I don't let things go easily at all, and it really annoys me that I can't let things go. I don't try to lie about this though, I just try to keep to how I used to be in the hope that one day I will be like that once again.

I'd like to be the type of person who can just let things go and move on with life, but I just can't. I really struggle with it. I used to be really good at it though, and I think that's what hurts even more. I know what it's like to be the easy going sort of person that I want to be, but I just don't know how to get back to it. I think knowing what it's like to be what you want to be because you used to be it makes it even harder to get back to it because you just don't know how to get back there. That's why I think I find it easier to deal with my depression than some people- I don't know what it's like to live without depression, so I have nothing to compare it against.

I want to be the person I used to be. The optimistic, free thinking person who could just let things go and move on. The person who didn't care what anyone thought of them or anything they did. I just want to be free again.

suffering in silence or screaming for help

During the bad periods of my life I have done one of two things- I have suffered in silence, which involves me not telling anyone anything and trying to sort things out by myself, or screaming for help, obviously not literally, but I have searched for whatever form of help I can get- whether it's talking to a friend or seeing a professional.

This post was requested, but I'm changing it a little bit. It won't be exactly what I was asked to write about because I feel that writing about certain things will be more beneficial to me right now.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I only started suffering from my other mental illnesses about four years ago, however I find them much easier to control than my depression. As I had suffered with mainly depression since the age of four, I thought it was normal. I thought that I had to just get used to it because everyone else had. I never told anyone that I was feeling so low or harming myself from such a young age because I didn't want to make a fuss or let people see me as weak. I guess you could say I suffered in silence for ten years, because I never mentioned any of my mental illnesses to anyone, even though I had been warned that I was likely to get them, and what I'd experienced from such a young age meant that it would be very difficult for me to not end up mentally ill.

It wasn't actually until about three years ago that I told someone about what was going on in my head. That's when I found out that it wasn't normal at all. After finding out that it wasn't normal, I retreated back into my silence and didn't tell anyone anything that was going on. I didn't want people to worry about me. I continued with this silence until about one and a half years ago when I finally opened up to some close friends. Soon after that, somehow lots of people knew. What I feared had come true, but they helped me, which I never expected.

Even though my friends were helping me, I didn't want them to. I was grateful, but I wanted to just keep to myself. It's what I was used to. I knew how to do it. My friends wouldn't let me keep to myself, and they forced information out of me. I really disliked them doing that, and I don't think it benefited me at all during the time, so I was a bit annoyed about it all but it's the past now.

I'm not sure when, but my attitudes changed. I suddenly wanted help. I wanted someone to support me and help me through this because I recognised that it wasn't normal and not everyone suffered the way I did. I sought professional help and started to be more open with my friends about what was going on for me and how I felt. Although the professional help was an utter disappointment, being more open with my friends really did help me a lot.

Things started to go downhill after that, but I still wanted to get better. This was when I finally started to ask for help. But I also found out that lots of people who claimed they cared about me, didn't want to help. They only wanted to act nice to me when it was convenient to them. I felt like I was screaming for some sort of help, but everyone just looked away. This is still going on now. I ask for help, and no one even notices me, but lots of people say they're there for me. I'm beginning to get used to this though. I've always been someone who has been able to help themselves, so even if no one helps me, I still have myself.


I'm sorry to the person who requested this post, I went completely off track and now it's nothing like what you suggested. I am very sorry, but I don't feel like writing another post now. Once again, I'm very sorry.

me and other people

I'm really bad at meeting new people and making friends. I am very shy and constantly worry that people will be judging me. It feels like I actually fear their judgement. I will avoid all eye contact and not speak to them unless they speak to me first when I first meet them.

I hate this about myself. 

I don't have many friends. I have two friends (in real life) who I see regularly, and another two who I don't see so regularly. Other than that I have friends in my lessons, but I don't see them outside college, or outside the lessons we're in together.

I've never really had that many friends. I've never been popular or liked by many people because people don't know the real me. This is my fault though, I'm too shy to be myself so they just move on and think that I'm the shy person they first met. I've never wanted to be shy, I guess I just wish I had the opportunity to make new friends sometimes, but every time I fail.

I wish I wasn't so nervous around people. I just feel lonely sometimes. Almost everyone has more friends than me. I'm very close to my friends, but I just feel like I'm some sort of weird person who no one can stand to be near.

Even when I make friends online, it's only because they spoke to me first. I just can't speak to people first, I get far too nervous that they will hate me. And when they do speak to me, I worry for ages that they will think I'm weird and suddenly stop talking to me. It's happened before, but too many times for me to count.

I'm just worried about the future. What if this anxiety never goes, and what if I lose what friends I do have? I just wish I could make friends more easily. But no. I'm me, and that appears to be an impossible task.

worry

I often worry about being alone. That everyone will leave me and I'll be left without anyone. I just worry that people will get sick of me and want me out of their lives. I'm sure there's only so much of me that people can take until they've had enough.

What I worry about more is that no one will ever love me. I never tell anyone that I worry about this because I just don't feel like people need to know, but I just don't know what to think anymore. Lots of people tell me that they're surprised that I've never been in a relationship, or surprised that no guy has ever acted interested in me because they claim that I'm 'amazing' or that a guy would be 'lucky' to have me. But the only people who have ever said anything like this to me are people who have never physically met me. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me that just repulses everyone. Maybe I'm destined to be alone forever, because surely there's nothing good about me. I'm just a strange person, who's appearance is average at best. Someone who has nothing special about them, and is just so complicated that she can't even understand herself.

No wonder no one has ever expressed an interest in me. I wouldn't. 

loneliness and abandonment

At some point in our lives, we all feel lonely and abandoned, maybe not at the same time, but we have all experienced both feelings. Sometimes these feelings can be created within our own minds and we almost convince ourselves that we are lonely, but sometimes these feelings are real, as we have been abandoned by those we thought were on our side.

This post was requested by someone a couple of weeks ago and I have been wanting to write it ever since it was requested, but I just didn't know how to word it, or what to speak about. In this blog I often try to use personal experiences to explain things, so I've had to pinpoint which experiences I would use for this post, and that was harder than I expected. I still haven't decided, but I feel that I've left this for too long so I'm going to just write and see where this goes.

During my life I have been abandoned by people, not physically, but emotionally. They will not leave me, but they will stop emotionally supporting me. When my friend found out about my depression, she said that she didn't really want to have anything to do with that. We are still good friends now, but this sense of abandonment was hard for me to deal with. I didn't expect her to respond like that, and I felt like I had to keep things to myself. She was with me through everything before that, and everything after that, but just not that specific thing. I understand her reasons, but it was just hard for me to deal with. I had to try to remind myself that everyone is different and that there are some things that I would respond to in that way, so I can't expect her to respond in exactly the way I wanted.

I have also been emotionally abandoned by my family. This is more difficult to explain. One of my parents is emotionally abusive, and along with this, refuses to understand that I have emotions and problems such as my mental illnesses. Well, they understand it, they just don't want to remember it, because if they remember that I need their support, they will have to give it to me and they don't want to do that. I find it very difficult to be emotionally open with my family because I fear the consequences this may cause. This isn't really me being abandoned though, but it's the closest I really have, as I have never been physically abandoned. 

Although I have never been physically abandoned, I have experienced a lot of loneliness in my life, but I guess you could say that I did that to myself. I am a very independent person, and have been throughout my whole life. I don't like having to depend on other people for certain things, especially emotional support or my happiness. From a very young age I've been my own support system. I've picked myself up when I've been down, I've talked myself out of countless things that I could have done. I find it easier to trust myself, because I always knew that one day I'd need someone and I'd have no one to turn to, so I became my own supporter. I'm not sure whether this was caused by an experience from when I was young which I have suppressed, or whether this is just a personality trait I have.

As I have been my own supporter throughout my life, I have found it more and more difficult to tell people about what's going on in my life. I tend to keep a lot to myself, which means that people don't know about what's going on for me, and so don't help me. I know that it's my fault that I haven't told them, but I still sometimes feel lonely. 

I was extremely lonely over the last few years because I was afraid that people would judge me for what I was going through. I didn't think anyone else was experiencing the same thing. I had grown up with these mental illnesses so I thought it was just me, or that it was normal and that I shouldn't complain. I felt so lonely over those years. It wasn't until about two years ago when I finally admitted what was going on that the loneliness began to slowly fade. During the last two years I have found it so difficult to be open about what was going on, but I have tried my hardest to force myself. I'm getting better, and this blog is actually helpful, as I can openly express things which people read and sometimes message me saying they understand or that they're there for me, so these feelings of loneliness are very slowly fading. 

If anyone is feeling lonely or abandoned, don't give up hope. Everything will sort itself out eventually. It may take a long time, but it will. You'll find new people who will support you through anything. People come and go from our lives, but you will find some people who will stay forever. I know I'm not the best person to give advice on this specific topic, but all I know is that it will not last forever.

be your inner child

These days, children are expected to grow up more quickly than in the past. They are given rights and responsibilities at earlier ages, as well as more opportunities to become more like an adult- whether these are by choice or forced upon them. Being 'childish' is only really acceptable until a certain age, and that age seems to be getting lower.

'Being childish' is often used as an insult. It just shows that children are expected to act more like adults, and if they act like children, they are acting inappropriately. Surely children should be allowed to act like children. They will never learn from experiences to become better people if perfection is expected of them. 

Even though 'being childish' is often considered a bad thing, I think it's something that should be encouraged. Children have fewer worries about the world around them, and what people think of them. Too many people conform to what is expected of them because they fear being judged by other people. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I'm currently trying to convince myself that it's only me that cares if I look silly. Other people may see, they may laugh and they may comment, but they won't remember me or what I did in a weeks time. So why should I stop doing what I want? By doing exactly what I want and not worrying about what people think, I could actually be showing some people that it's okay to do what you want.

Today I released my inner child, and it felt amazing. I was walking home from college and it began to rain, lightly at first, but then it just got heavier and heavier. I walked with my hood up for a bit, trying to cover my body so I wouldn't get too wet, but I knew that I'd be soaked by the time I got home so I decided to just not care. I took off my jacket, put my phone in my bag so it wouldn't get wet and just kept on walking. That's when I saw the puddles. It's been years since I splashed around in puddles, but I did that today. I just walked through them, kicking up water with every step I took.

During my walk home, lots of people stared at me as they stood under whatever shelter they could find. I don't know whether they were judging me, but I don't care either way. I was having fun. I was happy. I wasn't going to let anyone's opinion of me stop me from doing what I was doing. 

When I got home I was completely soaked. My hair, my clothes, my shoes, my bag, they were all soaked. The feeling was amazing. I miss being able to just act like a child and not care about what anyone thinks. I didn't care that I was getting soaked by the rain. I just felt free, like nothing was holding me back. It's very rare for me to experience a sense of freedom like that, but now that I've experienced, I want to feel it again. One day I will.

Don't be afraid to release your inner child. It's okay to just have fun and be free. Don't let people's opinions stop you. 

patience

Some people can really test my patience. I guess their personality is just one that doesn't mix well with mine because they can really annoy me. I have to try to learn to be patient with these types of people or I'll just get angry.

This weekend my patience has really been tested, as I have been with some people who I think have difficult personalities- but I know this is just because they have the type of personality that clashes with mine. I've had to keep myself from losing my temper, and I actually did it very successfully. This is the first time that I've actually been able to keep myself under control in that situation for that long. It is something that I have struggled to do a lot in the past.

This is a good sign though, it means that I am very slowly improving, getting better and learning to control myself even more. It's only a very small step, but I am incredibly proud of myself.