Thursday 25 December 2014

25th december when not celebrating

I decided to write this blog post because I think that it can give people an alternative perspective of the 25th December. I was raised as a Christian and so I celebrated Christmas for most of my life, however four years ago I decided that I did not want to celebrate Christmas anymore for various reasons that I will explain soon, but my family refused to accept that I didn't want to celebrate it and forced me to do so. Three years ago, I made my choice and from then onwards, I have not celebrated Christmas.

I stopped celebrating Christmas for a few reasons, the main one being I do not believe that Christianity is the religion for me. Although I was raised a Christian, I do not personally believe it, but that may be because I have had bad experiences with religion. (I do understand that religion means a lot to some people, and I am not against religion at all: as long as it makes you, and others happy through your actions, I entirely approve. I just simply do not believe in a religion myself.) Another reason that I stopped celebrating Christmas is because I do not like the commercial side of it, it has been something that has frustrated me all my life. And the final reason that I do not celebrate Christmas is because when I think of it, I am simply reminded of the arguments that my family used to have every year, and I do not wish for that to return. 

Three years ago, when I stopped celebrating Christmas, it caused many 'problems' for people. Although I had informed them that I will not be giving presents and therefore do not wish to receive them, my friends and family didn't understand that I was being serious, so that year I was simply called selfish, but I had warned them all a year beforehand that I will no longer be celebrating Christmas, so I did what I could to prevent it. Two years ago, a similar thing happened but with fewer friends and family falling into the trap. And last year, only three people gave me presents. 

I remember last year quite well, there were a few arguments, but that was the norm. What I remember most specifically is how I felt after receiving only a few presents (which I had asked the people not to buy for me). I remember feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to explain to others properly that I did not wish to celebrate Christmas and therefore wished not to receive presents. I felt as if I had let myself down.

This year has been an interesting year. My friends all now understand that I am definitely not celebrating Christmas and none of them bought me any presents, but they all wished me a good day today, and I wished them one too as I know they celebrate Christmas. My family know better than anyone that I don't celebrate Christmas (they still do) but this year, we made a deal. My parents feel that they 'must' get me something for Christmas because they celebrate it and they want to give me something. So instead of fighting them, as I would have each year before, I decided to compromise. I asked for four books, which I would have bought for myself anyway, which in total cost only £12, and which I will allow any of them to read if they so wish. 

By making this deal, my family feel satisfied and good that they have given me something, and I feel satisfied that it caused no arguments. Last year I tried saying no to presents entirely but my family just bought me things that I didn't need or want. I guess they fall into the category of 'stocking fillers' as they were little cheap things that aren't useful but offer about five minutes of fun each. And as I didn't want another year of being given gifts that I didn't want simply because my family felt that they needed to give me something, I felt that the deal was a suitable one, and all of my family agree that it was a good deal to make. 


My attitude towards the 25th December has changed this year compared to previous years. I used to see it as an awful day, but this year I tried to see it as a day that others enjoy, but that I do not, and so I shouldn't ruin it for them. This year, my personal mission was to be peaceful with myself and others, and to be positive with my attitude towards the day. 

I feel that this has been the best 25th December that I can remember, because while doing my own thing, I have still been able to enjoy the day for what it is: a religious event which I do not celebrate, but which brings happiness and joy to others. 


In case any of you were curious, (and I'm doing this because I feel like it), I have made a short Q&A of today for me:

Q: Do you eat Christmas food?
A: Mostly no. I am a vegetarian so that means that I couldn't eat a lot of the food anyway. I also dislike Christmas food like roast meals, so I tend to avoid it as much as possible. But, my family celebrate Christmas so they have Christmas food. This year, I made my own food, and simply had any spare vegetables that were prepared to go along with it, and both my family and I saw that as a happy compromise. 

Q: Do your friends and family get annoyed that you don't give gifts?
A: They used to, but now they understand that it's just something that I would prefer not to do, so they no longer get annoyed, and many of them are actually thankful- they don't have to spend excess money.

Q: If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you do on 25th Dec?
A: Well, today I went for a run, and did a lot of reading. I did spend some time with my family which was actually quite nice, but I spent a lot of time on my own which I prefer.

Q: What do you say when people wish you a happy Christmas?
A: I discovered the key to responding to this. I used to just ignore people saying it to me, but this year I figured out that I should either respond with 'happy holidays' or 'I hope that you enjoy today' because that way I'm being polite, I'm responding to them, and it just makes things far more pleasant for everyone.

Q: Do you dislike Christmas music?
A: Yes. I work somewhere where for all of December, Christmas music is played, so it has (understandably) become something which I dislike. 

Q: What religion are you?
A: I do not have a religion. 



If any of you have any further questions, don't hesitate to contact me on twitter, or leave a comment after this post and I will respond to you! I hope that today has been wonderful for all of you!

Monday 22 December 2014

person A and B

I just need to talk, get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while now, and I don't really mind if anyone listens or not because it's more important that I actually get it out of my head. I may sound very odd, and I may make people think that I'm just being weird and that's fine, but I just need to get out what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've got two people in my body or my mind. I feel like one of them is positive and thoughtful and absolutely fine, but the other is empty, miserable and angry. I'll call the positive 'person' A and the negative 'person' B to make things easier.

I feel like I've had A and B for as long as I can remember, but that B took over for much of my life. But since I started recovering, A is there far more frequently, but B still manages to visit every now and then, and I just don't know whether this is normal or not. I can be absolutely fine, and then just snap, or become really empty for no reason and it really confuses me. People who know me well will know that my emotions can change in a split second and I have little to no control over it. I know that ultimately it's my problem and something that I need to learn to cope with, but I feel like things are quite tough when I have two completely contradicting emotions fighting to be the chosen one.

I know this could be a number of things such as hormones, or it could just be a process of my recovery. All I know is that it's very confusing to have to deal with because I feel like I have little control over my reactions and emotions a lot of the time.

A and B want to do different things too. A wants to listen to positive music and do things that would make me feel happy. But B wants me to do things that would hurt me, and it's hard to know what I'm dealing with a lot.

I don't hear voices or anything, I just don't know what this is. I'm sorry that it's weird and probably makes no sense to read, but I just need to get this out of my mind.

Sunday 14 December 2014

thinking

This blog post is completely unplanned and I'm just using it to explain what I'm thinking because I feel like I need to actually say it to someone other than myself.

I feel like I am at the stage of recovery now where I think I need to start moving away from the 'recovering' mentality and more towards the 'recovered'. I mean, I've been properly recovering for 15 months now and I'm at the stage where I think that I'm getting quite close to being 'better'. I still have a long way to go, but I haven't had any self harm urges in months now (clean for 18 months), I haven't had a bad panic attack in ages, I haven't felt 'depressed' (as in how I felt when my depression was at it's worst). My mood and personality are mostly stabilized too. Plus, everyone is saying how much happier I am, and I really am feeling so much happier and positive.

For the reasons stated above, I think that I actually want to move away from 'person getting better' sort of mentality, and more towards the 'this is who I am' kind of mentality. This would mean changing many things, such as this blog, or perhaps even starting a new one. I've still got a lot to think about, but I think that I may be ready to change everything once again, so that I can be exactly who I am, and not just 'a recovering girl'.

I'm sorry that this post is brief, and that I haven't posted in a while. I've just had so much to think about recently and I have been putting off writing a blog post until I could think more clearly, and ironically I'm writing a post that is not well thought out and while I am not thinking clearly, aren't I fun.