it's not safe

I feel unsafe, like something may happen to me. I just don't know what to do. I hope this feeling will go away soon. 

I'm scared. 

threats

I feel sad saying this, but throughout my entire life I've always had people threatening me. They would threaten to hurt me, to kill me, you name it, someone will have threatened to do it to me. Of course, some of these threats have been carried out, but obviously not all of them. 

But what annoys me is when people threaten to do something to me but never do it. What's the point? It's an empty threat. If you say you're going to hurt me physically, you might as well do it. I'm used to it. 

Last night I got threatened by someone close to me who should care about me and never do such a thing to me. He said something which was entirely inappropriate, and I told him that he shouldn't say that. He then came up to where I was sitting and stood over me and kept saying 'I'd get away from here if I was you' as he prepared to fulfill his threat. 

Throughout the whole incident I just stayed still, it didn't bother me whether he did it or not. I knew exactly what he wanted to do, and I sort of wish he did it, just so I had proof it was real. 

But no, it was an empty threat. Once again, I was threatened by someone who should love me unconditionally... and I got the blame for it. 

the twenty fifth of december

All of December is spent building up to one day, a day to celebrate the birth of a person of 'religious importance'... or should I say, a day to give gifts to each other? 

In the countdown to this day it's typical for people to have advent calendars, often filled with a daily dose of chocolate. Decorations are also put up. They're shiny, and often flashy, it's rare for them to be subtle. And finally, the needless murder of am innocent tree, however, this is far less common now as people have fake Christmas trees. 

So how much of that has anything to do with the birth of 'Jesus'? That's right, nothing. 

Christmas is disgustingly materialistic, it's impossible to go anywhere during December and not be overwhelmed with the materialism associated with the day. 

But those who don't believe in Christmas must be silenced. It actually feels like people are offended by others that don't believe in Christmas. They say things like 'how can you not believe/celebrate it?' 'Dont you get bored?' 'It's nice to give gifts, why don't you just do that?'

The reason I do not just give gifts is that it is a religious holiday which I don't believe in, and I personally believe that the only people that have a right to celebrate it are those people who go to church on a weekly basis (and genuinely believe in the religion) because those people are more likely to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and not the commercial version that has been created by the mass media. 

Anyway, as you may already have guessed, I don't celebrate Christmas. I used to when I went to church weekly when I was younger, however I never believed the religion, it was just the one I was brought up with. And since I do not believe in the religion, I actually believe it's morally wrong for me to celebrate it and take advantage of a religious holiday for material gain, therefore I don't celebrate it... oh, and also because I have very bad memories associated with this time of the year, particularly the twenty fifth, so this day is very tough for me, even though I don't celebrate it. 

I'm sure you're bored of this by now, or offended somehow by what I've said, but this is my blog and I'm simply expressing my opinions. I hope you all enjoy this time of year, and celebrate the religious holiday you choose as happily as you can. But, please, remember that religion is like a penis- it's okay to have one, it's okay to be proud of it, but don't you dare shove it down anyone's throat. 

Have a great day, and as the more politically correct of us in this world say, happy holidays. 

hypocritical friend

Friendships can be beautiful things. They can allow us to help each other, make each other laugh and just enjoy each other's company. But, this will only happen if both sides of the friendship are willing to work. 

I'm in a friendship where I am the only one being nice and supportive. My 'friend' is constantly rude to me, she laughs at me and ignores me when I need her.

So why don't I just get out of this friendship? Well I can't because I have been threatened both by my 'friend' and her parents, so I have to stay friends with her. If I don't then bad things will happen. 

I don't enjoy being made to feel the way I do by someone who should be a friend, and I don't enjoy the fact that my 'friend' is a complete hypocrite. 

I just wish she realised that she's hurting me and actually cared about how she makes me feel. 

sexism

After reading an article in the paper the other day about sexism I really began to think. 

I've always been against sexism and personally never understood the need for it. I have also been the target of countless numbers of sexist comments and I've also been denied the ability to do certain things based on my gender. 

What defines someone's gender? Well originally it is your genetics (however some people may change their gender by law and/or via surgery, but I'm not focussing on that right now). So, we've established that someone's gender is decided by their genetics, specifically whether they have the chromosome XX or XY. 

Of course phsysically there are differences between males and females, and studies have also shown that there may be some mental differences. But why should this stop one gender from being able to do something? 

Many sports come with a gender which is mainly associated with it, like football is a 'male' sport and dancing is a 'female' sport. But you can get people of both genders participating in both. However, when boys and girls dance, they're allowed to dance together, whereas when boys and girls play football, they're told to play seperately because apparently boys are 'too dangerous' for girls. 

As well as the opportunities we are given, the way we are treated is also to do with our genders. Women are more likely to be sexually or verbally harassed by men than men are by women. Women are more likely to have derogatory comments directed towards them for no reason other than they are a girl. 

I could go on for so long about sexism, but I will always say that it's wrong. We are all human beings, we deserve equal rights regardless of our gender. 

the truth

I've been waiting my whole life to be told the truth. I've strongly suspected it from a very young age and I asked so many times about it, but I've had to wait this long to finally hear it. 

My mum finally admitted that she doesn't like me, and that she prefers my sibling. I know I shouldn't be hurt by this, but I'd rather she hurt me with the truth when I was young, rather than comforting me with a lie for all these years. 

The sad thing is though that I've done so much for her and with her, just to find out that she's never liked me. I feel betrayed. The lie went on for far too long. I don't know what to believe anymore. 

anxiety

I've had anxiety for so long that it just seems normal to me. It isn't until someone comments on my behaviour that I realise it's not ordinary. 

I really hope though that one day I will be able to beat my anxiety. I'd love to know what it's like to not worry about everything to the point of having panic attacks. 

black outs

Every now and then when things get really tough for me I experience something which I don't think many people experience. I can get very close to passing out and then I black out. 

When I black out I lose most of the control I have over myself. I tend to be a lot more open, honest and raw about how I'm feeling. I become inconsiderate of how others will react. And I put myself at risk of hurting myself as well as others. 

I thought that would be bad enough, but to make things worse, after the black outs I struggle to remember what's happened and what I've said or done. 

Sometimes I can get out of these black outs relatively quickly (about an hour) with the help of some people. However, sometimes I can be in a black out for a while. 

I find them very tough to deal with and I haven't ever told anyone about this face to face yet. I didn't think it was real. But I know it is now. 

six months clean

Today is a special day for me, it has been six months since the last time I self harmed. I think this is quite an achievement. It hasn't been easy, it would be a lie to say it was a simple task, but I have done it. Despite everything going wrong in my life, despite the urges and despite my lack of control of myself and my mind due to my mental illnesses, I've made it.

A few people have asked me how I managed to do it and, well, I honestly don't know. You can ask any of the people I speak to openly about everything and they will tell you that they are surprised I have been able to do it. They believed in me the whole way, but they know everything that's going on for me so would understand if I did relapse. So I think I have made them proud. They've helped me through so much, even when I've been at my lowest point and they have had no idea what to do.

So, to put it simply, I have no idea how I have managed to stay clean, because I have actually been triggered for most of the days that I have kept clean.


Anyway, I had an idea of what to write about this morning and it was inspired by a video that I watched on YouTube yesterday. It was a video about self harm and the person was basically saying that it's never a good idea, but that it's even worse to post triggering pictures of it online. It made me realise how much I agree with this.

The person also raised an important point; most people who post pictures of their self harm do it only for attention, they are not promoting any sort of help or saying that it is a bad thing. The person's video also really made me think. They said that the people bullying us do not make us self harm, things going wrong in our lives do not make us self harm, it is us that choose to pick up the tool and use it. We have the ability to stop ourselves.

This then made me think even more, and I searched '0 days clean' on twitter just to see if anyone had tweeted that they were zero days clean. The amount of people with a tweet simply consisting of that shocked me. When I did self harm, I would never post that I was zero days clean after a relapse, I kept it all very private and would only tell someone about it if they asked me. But it just feels like some people are begging for attention. Of course, some people do self harm for attention, but it's not the right way. If people want help or for people to notice them then there are much healthier ways of doing it. I just think it's bad though that someone gets more attention being paid to them if they say they are zero days clean than that they are a week clean for example.

I feel like things are going wrong. People are getting more attention if they hurt themselves than if they stop. This has actually been a bit of a problem for me recently. A few nights ago I was in need of support so I asked for it on twitter. At first I was ignored but then I got a couple of people saying that I can get through whatever I'm going through because I have been clean for so long.

The fact that I have not taken a blade to my skin for a certain amount of time does not mean that my life is getting easier for me, it just means I am learning more self control but I do still require support from time to time. 

I just really think that some people need to realise that we should encourage people not to self harm by helping those who have been clean for a while through their problems instead of causing them to want to relapse just so someone will take them seriously.

sometimes people only act

There are so many people who claim that they care and that they're willing to help, but when you actually need their help they don't seem to want to bother.   

It reminds me of a quote from the movie 'Titanic'

"There were twenty lifeboats floating nearby, and only one came back."

I originally watched 'Titanic' when I was about eight or nine years old and that line always stuck with me. I never really understood why until now. 

Last night I really struggled with some destructive thoughts and desires and all I wanted is a bit of help to be distracted from them. I cried out for help for so long and no one cared until hours later. Eventually someone finally asked me if I was okay. So the quote true, however this time it was 'there were over 9000 people following me, but only one cared.'

Now please tell me how that's okay. 

my changing body

I think it's fair to say that at some point in our lives we've all felt insecure about our weight or the way we look. For some of us it may only be for a few minutes at a time, those are the lucky ones. For others, their insecurities are with them often, but don't stop them from doing what they really want to. 

Then there is a third group of people. Those who feel constantly ashamed of their body for various reasons. 

I have belonged to the third group for most of my life. I have developed an eating disorder partially as a result of this, but also due to many other reasons. I am now recovering from this eating disorder and I'm learning a few things. 

I may be gaining weight and my measurements may be increasing but I'm starting to feel better about myself. There are of course some set backs in my recovery though. 

I know that I will never fully be over my eating disorder. The thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires will always remain with me, however I'm hoping that they will soon just be background thoughts. 

I am currently trying to get fitter. I have a healthy BMI so I'm no longer worried about my weight, but I do want to tone up. I want to become the best person that I can be, so I'm doing all that I can to get there. I'm eating healthily, and feeding myself when I am hungry rather than just ignoring it. I'm also exercising, I'm only running for now but I think this is a step in the right direction. 

Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy, but it will be worth it. 

how do people see me

I wish I could enter someone's mind and find out how the see me. I just wish I could understand how people view me and whether it meets my views of myself. 

I wish someone would honestly tell me how they felt about me and what I do. 

Too many people nowadays sugarcoat what they want to say. I just wish someone I know would be brutally honest with me about how they see me. 

self improvement

I don't really know the point of life or what I want to achieve during my time, but one thing I do know is that I will never stop improving who I am. 

There are always many things I could do better; I could be fitter, healthier, a harder worker, etc. and I will do all I can because I know that I will always have room for improvement. 

I won't improve myself for anyone other than myself. If I become the best person that I can be, then I will be happy. 

I fully accept that there will be things that I won't be good at, but I'm fine with that. All I know though is that if I can get better at something, I'll try my hardest to get there. 

regrets

We all have things that we regret, things that we wish we could undo. Thinking back to them we feel ashamed or embarrassed. 

Although it's not nice to regret things, it's important that we do so we can learn. If we don't realise that we've made a mistake, we're never going to think of doing it differently in the future. 

Our mistakes allow us to grow and develop, well, only if we let them.