person A and B

I just need to talk, get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while now, and I don't really mind if anyone listens or not because it's more important that I actually get it out of my head. I may sound very odd, and I may make people think that I'm just being weird and that's fine, but I just need to get out what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've got two people in my body or my mind. I feel like one of them is positive and thoughtful and absolutely fine, but the other is empty, miserable and angry. I'll call the positive 'person' A and the negative 'person' B to make things easier.

I feel like I've had A and B for as long as I can remember, but that B took over for much of my life. But since I started recovering, A is there far more frequently, but B still manages to visit every now and then, and I just don't know whether this is normal or not. I can be absolutely fine, and then just snap, or become really empty for no reason and it really confuses me. People who know me well will know that my emotions can change in a split second and I have little to no control over it. I know that ultimately it's my problem and something that I need to learn to cope with, but I feel like things are quite tough when I have two completely contradicting emotions fighting to be the chosen one.

I know this could be a number of things such as hormones, or it could just be a process of my recovery. All I know is that it's very confusing to have to deal with because I feel like I have little control over my reactions and emotions a lot of the time.

A and B want to do different things too. A wants to listen to positive music and do things that would make me feel happy. But B wants me to do things that would hurt me, and it's hard to know what I'm dealing with a lot.

I don't hear voices or anything, I just don't know what this is. I'm sorry that it's weird and probably makes no sense to read, but I just need to get this out of my mind.