During the bad periods of my life I have done one of two things- I have suffered in silence, which involves me not telling anyone anything and trying to sort things out by myself, or screaming for help, obviously not literally, but I have searched for whatever form of help I can get- whether it's talking to a friend or seeing a professional.
This post was requested, but I'm changing it a little bit. It won't be exactly what I was asked to write about because I feel that writing about certain things will be more beneficial to me right now.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I only started suffering from my other mental illnesses about four years ago, however I find them much easier to control than my depression. As I had suffered with mainly depression since the age of four, I thought it was normal. I thought that I had to just get used to it because everyone else had. I never told anyone that I was feeling so low or harming myself from such a young age because I didn't want to make a fuss or let people see me as weak. I guess you could say I suffered in silence for ten years, because I never mentioned any of my mental illnesses to anyone, even though I had been warned that I was likely to get them, and what I'd experienced from such a young age meant that it would be very difficult for me to not end up mentally ill.
It wasn't actually until about three years ago that I told someone about what was going on in my head. That's when I found out that it wasn't normal at all. After finding out that it wasn't normal, I retreated back into my silence and didn't tell anyone anything that was going on. I didn't want people to worry about me. I continued with this silence until about one and a half years ago when I finally opened up to some close friends. Soon after that, somehow lots of people knew. What I feared had come true, but they helped me, which I never expected.
Even though my friends were helping me, I didn't want them to. I was grateful, but I wanted to just keep to myself. It's what I was used to. I knew how to do it. My friends wouldn't let me keep to myself, and they forced information out of me. I really disliked them doing that, and I don't think it benefited me at all during the time, so I was a bit annoyed about it all but it's the past now.
I'm not sure when, but my attitudes changed. I suddenly wanted help. I wanted someone to support me and help me through this because I recognised that it wasn't normal and not everyone suffered the way I did. I sought professional help and started to be more open with my friends about what was going on for me and how I felt. Although the professional help was an utter disappointment, being more open with my friends really did help me a lot.
Things started to go downhill after that, but I still wanted to get better. This was when I finally started to ask for help. But I also found out that lots of people who claimed they cared about me, didn't want to help. They only wanted to act nice to me when it was convenient to them. I felt like I was screaming for some sort of help, but everyone just looked away. This is still going on now. I ask for help, and no one even notices me, but lots of people say they're there for me. I'm beginning to get used to this though. I've always been someone who has been able to help themselves, so even if no one helps me, I still have myself.
I'm sorry to the person who requested this post, I went completely off track and now it's nothing like what you suggested. I am very sorry, but I don't feel like writing another post now. Once again, I'm very sorry.
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