one year clean

Wow. I still find it weird to think that I am a year clean. I can't believe how much things have changed for me. It really doesn't feel like a year since the last time I self harmed. I'm just shocked I managed to do this! I have tried to stop self harming before and it never worked out that well, but this time I have showed myself that I actually can do it. I am over three times further than my previous record of being clean, and I'm just so proud of myself.

I thought that as today is a special day for me, I'd write a longer blog post, but mainly a question and answer post. I asked a friend to help me to think of questions that people may be curious about me or self harm in general, so I will be answering those questions.

How long have you been self harming?
About thirteen years. I started when I was about four.

Why did you start self harming?
I don't fully know why I started self harming as I started at such a young age, but I used it as a way to cope with what was going on, such as family issues and bullying. 

Why did you stop?
I had to stop because I didn't want certain people using the fact that I self harmed against me.

How did you stop?
I don't completely remember, most of last year is a blur to me because my mind has suppressed memories to protect me. But, from what I remember, I just stopped and didn't replace it with anything, so it was a very difficult way to stop and it wasn't until about six months ago that I finally found something to replace self harming with.

What do you do instead of self harming now?
I run. Running has really helped me to release emotions, but also maintain a healthy lifestyle. It's sort of a win-win for me. However I haven't been able to run recently due to an injury so I haven't had an alternative coping mechanism. I have tried using art and writing, but they don't help me as much as running does.

Do you know anyone who self harms? Do they still do it?
I know people who used to self harm, but they all stopped before I did. They self harmed for various reasons including mental illnesses and dealing with the loss of a family member. They have all stopped now though.

Have your friends helped you to stop self harming?
No. But they know that I'd prefer to do this alone, and that I would talk to them if I needed their support. I have seen friends when I needed a distraction, but they were completely unaware that I was very triggered. I guess that is them helping me, but I'm referring to whether they help me through trying to talk about my problems or not.

What method of self harming did you use?
Sadly I have used so many methods. I have self harmed from a very young age so as I got older, the self harm got more destructive, and I've tried so many things to try to hurt myself. There are only a few things that I haven't done.

Have your scars healed?
As cutting was one of the methods of self harm I used, I did have scars. They are still visible if you look very carefully, however my body heals quickly so they have faded quite a lot. I can see them though, and I notice them a lot of the time. There are times that my scars become more visible, for example when I have a bath, my scars become more obvious, or when it's cold outside. But, to anyone else, my scars are not visible. You have to know where to look on my body to be able to find them or notice them, but they are not obvious at all. I am hoping that the scars will fade even more over time.

Do people who no longer self harm get triggered?
Yes. I still get triggered, and others do too.

How long does it take for the self harm urges to become less frequent?
It depends on the person. For some people it can be as quickly as a week. For me it was five months before my urges to self harm became less frequent, so the first five months for me were extremely difficult.

How often do you have urges to self harm now?
When I'm lucky it can be as little as once a week, but it usually averages at about four times a week, but there are some days when I can have urges all the time.

How long do your urges last?
I categorise my urges into two types; minor and major. Minor ones last a minimum of forty minutes and a maximum of five hours. Major ones can last for up to a month.

What are the 'major' urges like?
It's difficult to explain, but it's a constant desire to hurt myself. It doesn't go away no matter what I do. These urges occur when I am at an extremely low point.

Do you ever miss self harming?
I hate to admit it, but yes. It's what I grew up with and it's something I knew I could do to help me, so I'm having to change so much about my life so I can go without hurting myself.

Are you glad you stopped?
Yes.

Have you got rid of what you used to harm yourself?
No. I still have them, but they're in a drawer which I very rarely go into. In the last year I have opened the drawer five or six times to get something out of it (not the self harm tools).

How do I tell someone I'm self harming?
Telling them face to face is always best in my opinion, so you could say it to them, or write it down and give it to them to read and then speak to them about it after they have read it. Telling someone over text or the internet isn't really a good way to tell someone because you can't see their reaction. They could be very hurt to hear that you're hurting yourself but just not tell you. It's the sort of thing that should be done face to face I think.

Can I work on recovery if I'm not ready to stop self harming yet?
Yes you can, but I think it would be best to try to stop self harming as well as recovering because that will promote a healthier lifestyle in general if you have a healthier coping mechanism. I started my recovery a couple of months after I stopped self harming because I wanted to make sure that I was ready. You don't have to stop self harming to start recovery, but I think it would be a good idea to try.

What should I do if a friend self harms?
Try to talk to them about why they are harming themselves, but don't force them if they don't want to say. Sometimes people find it easier not to discuss their reasons for self harming. Let them know that you are there to speak to, and if you are not already, try to be as open as possible with them. If they can see that you're being honest because you trust them, they will be more likely to talk to you about what's going on. Also, try to notice when they are not feeling so good and ask them if they are okay, offer to talk to them so they know you're there for them. Just be the best friend you can possibly be, they will be so grateful for your help through their struggles.

Why do images of self harm posted on the internet trigger people?
It's difficult to speak for everyone, but images of self harm trigger me because they bring back memories of the times I have hurt myself, and these memories make me think about the past, which makes me feel like I need to hurt myself again. Well, it's more complex than that, but that's just a brief explanation. For some, seeing images of self harm reminds them of times when they were feeling bad like that, and for others, seeing self harm images can push them over the edge if they are already triggered. I just think that posting self harm images online isn't fair on anyone, even if they put a 'trigger warning', people still see it. It's hard to explain the reasons that self harm images trigger people, but they definitely do. 

Does stress make self harm urges worse? What can be done to solve this?
Stress is often a very triggering for people who self harm because it's just extra pressure that they don't need and often don't know how to deal with properly. If you are becoming stressed, you need to take some time out to yourself. Relax. Take care of yourself. Imagine that you are someone else, you'd tell them to take time out to themselves if they were stressed, so do the same for yourself.

Does relapsing make you a failure?
Not at all. Of course, relapsing isn't good, but as long as you were trying to stop, you're making a step in the right direction. It just means you have to start from the beginning, but it doesn't make you a failure at all. When you relapse, be kind to yourself because it's a tough time for you already, so don't make it any harder on yourself.

Are people who have recovered special or can anyone do it?
Anyone can recover. It just takes a lot of hard work, determination and self belief, and these things can take a long time for someone to develop strongly enough to allow them to recover, so it can feel like only certain people can recover, but anyone can do it.

Do girls like it when guys kiss their scars?
I wasn't sure about answering this question because it can actually cause some debates that I don't really want to have. Personally, I would hate it if a guy kissed my scars. The scars on my body are no more special than any other part of my body. I wouldn't want anyone to specifically focus on them to kiss them, as it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Some people do like the idea of their scars being kissed though. 

If I am struggling with similar issues to someone, should I help them?
You can if you want to. If the other person is willing to, you can work together on getting better so it can be a positive thing. However, it can also be very triggering and you could end up feeling worse than you did in the beginning.

Is it a good idea to take someones blades away from them?
Sometimes it can really help people if they don't have their blades (or whatever they used to hurt themselves with) because without a specific tool, they may not want to hurt themselves as some people are very particular about what tools they use. On the other hand, I am proof that you don't need to take someones self harm tools away from them. I haven't got rid of mine yet because I still don't feel ready. To me, they are like a safety net, and I'm not quite ready to go without them. I know I won't use them, but knowing they're there can help me a bit sometimes.

Is it only girls that self harm?
No, I know more boys that self harm than girls. Three of my closest friends have self harmed in the past, and two of them are boys. 


What have you learned from deciding to recover from self harming?
I have learned that I am actually much stronger than I ever thought I was, and that I don't need to punish myself for things that go wrong in my life. I have learned that taking care of myself is very important and that it brings so many benefits to my life and the lives of those around me. I have become more confident since I stopped self harming, as I no longer need to hide parts of my body. I have learned that I am important and that I actually deserve to be happy and healthy. 



Those were just some of the questions my friend and I came up with, there were so many more but I didn't know how to word the answers to those questions.

I am very proud of my achievement of being one year clean. I never imagined I would ever get this far. During the last year, things have changed a lot for me. My thoughts and opinions towards certain things have changed, and these changes in opinions have helped me a lot. I have learned a lot about myself and those around me, and I am extremely grateful for their support while I was struggling at times. It is not just me who has noticed a change in me, lots of people have commented on how much happier and confident I seem. I'm really glad that people have noticed these things, because it just proves to me that I really am getting better even though it is a very slow process, which is very tough at times.

If you are thinking about stopping self harming, I really think it is worth a try. You will feel so much better about yourself and the world after a while. Just remember, "every great accomplishment starts with the decision to try."