me and other people

I'm really bad at meeting new people and making friends. I am very shy and constantly worry that people will be judging me. It feels like I actually fear their judgement. I will avoid all eye contact and not speak to them unless they speak to me first when I first meet them.

I hate this about myself. 

I don't have many friends. I have two friends (in real life) who I see regularly, and another two who I don't see so regularly. Other than that I have friends in my lessons, but I don't see them outside college, or outside the lessons we're in together.

I've never really had that many friends. I've never been popular or liked by many people because people don't know the real me. This is my fault though, I'm too shy to be myself so they just move on and think that I'm the shy person they first met. I've never wanted to be shy, I guess I just wish I had the opportunity to make new friends sometimes, but every time I fail.

I wish I wasn't so nervous around people. I just feel lonely sometimes. Almost everyone has more friends than me. I'm very close to my friends, but I just feel like I'm some sort of weird person who no one can stand to be near.

Even when I make friends online, it's only because they spoke to me first. I just can't speak to people first, I get far too nervous that they will hate me. And when they do speak to me, I worry for ages that they will think I'm weird and suddenly stop talking to me. It's happened before, but too many times for me to count.

I'm just worried about the future. What if this anxiety never goes, and what if I lose what friends I do have? I just wish I could make friends more easily. But no. I'm me, and that appears to be an impossible task.