positivity

It's difficult to remain positive all the time. Well, I think that anyone who claims to is lying. We all have times when we just feel so hopeless because something big has gone wrong, so at some point we will all have a negative attitude towards the world.

The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.

I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.

I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.

One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.

My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.

I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.