last night

I've struggled for my entire life with mental illnesses, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I have noticed a change. I began to see things, and think things that I didn't want to think or see. They weren't right. I haven't actually told many people about the specifics of each situation, because I just find it far too hard to talk about. I've told two or three people, and I've had mixed reactions.

I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.

I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.

That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.

Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.

Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.

I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.