eating issues relapse

It really has been a while since I last made a blog post, and that's simply because I kept putting it off. I haven't had any ideas of what to write about recently, and I have been busy with college and a few other things, so my life has been quite hectic recently and although I have really wanted to write a blog post, I just haven't had a chance to write a proper one that I thought was good enough to post, so I just didn't. Now that that's out of the way, I can get to what this post is about.

Something that some of you may know about me, is that I have had eating issues in the past (for more information, see older post). These eating issues used to be a long term problem for me, however in the last year I have had it under control much more. It was only a few days ago that I noticed that the problem was resurfacing. 

When things get bad for me, and I lack control in the situation, one method that I always think about is restricting what I eat. I think it's partly to do with being in control of at least something in my life, but also to do with self punishment for whatever reason it may be.

Recently I have been fighting off the urges to restrict again, however a few days ago I sadly gave in and started to restrict what I eat. So after a month and a half of absolutely no calorie counting, I started to do it again. There was one change this time though: as much as I hated eating because I didn't think I deserved it, I made sure I ate 1200 calories each day as I knew that this is the minimum amount I should let myself eat.

I have spoken to one friend about this and they completely understand my reasons for doing it as they know of the pressure that I have been under recently, but I just feel that if I don't tell anyone else, I could keep it hidden for a very long time and fall back into my old ways of being, and I don't want that.

Although I was only restricting for a few days, it was a few days too many and I am upset with myself for giving in to the thoughts and punishing myself like that. Technically it is considered as a form of self harm, however I am not counting it as a relapse for my self harm recovery, but for my eating issues recovery, but I am completely fine with the relapse as it was only minor and I did make sure I consumed a healthy amount each day.

Another reason that I am being open about this is that I find the easiest way for me to change something and keep it changed is for me to openly admit that I was at fault and then state what change I am going to make, because if other people see it, I know that I have to keep at it.

So, as a result of this eating issue relapse, I'm going to delete the calorie counting app that I used on my phone, and all other things that can (and probably will) trigger me again. I will also try my hardest to eat normally again, because I know it's not right for me to do this to myself, and I need enough food to keep going.

I hope that I wont have another eating issue relapse again anytime soon, but if I do, I think I will be more open and honest about it and let people know that it is happening so they can be aware and possibly help me if they want to.