one year of recovery

Exactly a year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. After having a terrible panic attack that lasted for six hours and returning home and crying for hours while contemplating ending my life, I realised that things needed to change. After hitting rock bottom three months before that day, I thought things wouldn't get any worse, but I just remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything and almost losing control. It was at that point that I told myself that I couldn't go on like that.

After suffering a lifetime of mental illnesses, I didn't know what recovery would bring. I couldn't say that I wanted to go back to being happy like when I was a child, because I wasn't happy as a child. I knew that recovery would take me along an unknown path to a destination that I had never even caught a glimpse of before, and this terrified me. I was so scared that the end of the route wouldn't be happiness, and that I would be stuck as I was for the rest of my life.

The decision to recover was not an easy one at all, I'd put it off for as long as possible, but when I got to about three months free of all self harm, I thought I needed to do this for myself. I was at a point where I knew I could cope more easily without self harm, and this was what made me feel that I needed to start then. I also decided to start at that time because it was the start of an academic year and I thought it would be best to start then because everything was new and different.

I discussed the idea with a friend and they said that it would be a good idea to at least give it a go, and so that was when I tweeted that I had decided to start my recovery. I thought that tweeting it would be a good idea because that way I knew that people were aware so I couldn't just secretly start and then give up. I was in it for the long run.

The first few months of recovery were difficult, and every day I felt like giving up and falling back into my old ways of living, but every day I kept myself going with the hope that one day I may actually beat these mental illnesses. I guess you could say I was holding onto the hope that things would get better, and as my friends will know, I've had nights where I break and start to question whether things really do get better, or whether I'm stuck like this for life.

It's only been in the last three or four months that I have started to notice a difference. I have felt more positive and outgoing, and I have had almost full days without feeling bad at all. I've even had a whole week where I felt positive and didn't let any negativity get to me, that was a great week, and I'm hoping that in the future I will have more days and possibly weeks like that!

By sharing my recovery journey on twitter, I feel that I have had to keep up with it. People care about me and keep track of how I'm doing. They support me though my worst times, and enjoy my best times with me. Even if someone has never spoken to me, I notice that they favourite my tweets from time to time, and I appreciate that, because I can see that they're keeping track of my account and how I am doing from time to time.



I thought that I might add a little bit on the end of frequently asked questions about my recovery, but if there is anything that I didn't answer but you want to know, please feel free to message me on twitter.

Are you glad you started recovery?
Definitely!

Are you seeing the benefits of recovery?
Yes, and each time I improve I just feel so glad that I chose to recover.

Do you still have bad times?
Of course, however they are decreasing in frequency and duration.

You said you self harmed, do you still have your blades/tools?
Everything that I have used to self harm with is still in my bedroom, but I do not get them out and I do not use them. I'm hoping to be able to get rid of them in the next year. I know it sounds like a long time, but I'm 99% certain that I won't use them, so I'm not worried about having them in my room as I'm already 14 months clean, so you can see that I've gone this long, I can keep going.

Do you still get triggered?
Yes, but not as often anymore.

Would you recommend that others try to recover too?
Only if they're ready. Recovery when you're not ready can be very scary and difficult, which can make people more likely to give up. If anyone does feel ready to try though, I think they should. There will always be people to support them.

How do you motivate yourself to keep going?
Personal challenges. These can be anything from me wearing a skirt to speaking to someone new in a lesson. I will make sure that I complete these challenges, or do the best that I can at that point. These personal challenges, although small, make me feel proud of myself with each achievement.

Do you see a therapist or counsellor to help you?
I did about a year and a half ago for about six weeks, but no, not since then.

Do you take medication?
No, never have.

What do you do when you've had a bad day and you feel like things aren't going well?
I make sure I eat something whether I want to or not, and then just get into bed and watch a film to keep myself busy. I try to get to sleep as early as I can so I can try to get to the next day and hope that it will be better.

What's your goal of recovery?
Ultimately it's to be positive, confident and to learn to love myself.

How do you know you're ready for recovery?
Ask yourself if you're happy with how your life is now. If you are, great. If you're not, and you want to change it, recovery may be a good option for you to consider.

Since you started recovery, how has your self image changed?
I see myself as a more positive and friendly person who is hard working. Physically, I like my body more now. I have suffered with eating issues, so to be a healthy weight and happy with how I look is great.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how positive do you feel about recovery today?
I think I'd have to say 7. Usually I would be 8 or 9, but as I felt very triggered yesterday and had many panic attacks last night and this morning, I feel that I have slipped back just a little bit, but I know that I can get through this because I know it's only a bad couple of days and I will be okay soon.

What makes recovery easier?
Distancing yourself from what triggers you. For example, someone trying to recover from an eating disorder should avoid looking at 'thinspo'. If certain people in your life trigger you, get away from them, and if you can't, try to focus more on yourself rather than what they say or do. If you remain around things that trigger you while you're recovering, it will make your recovery much more difficult. And it can sometimes make people question whether you are taking it seriously or not. No one expects you to change everything instantly, but if you continue with the same behaviour as before starting recovery, it can be more difficult for you.



Once again, if you have any other questions, please feel free to message me on twitter. Have a wonderful day.