why I am so difficult to help

I've grown up to be a strong minded person, I guess I've learned exactly how to grow from situations; I let them make me stronger, not weaker.

The only thing is, I will only let things impact me when I'm ready. I have to first understand the situation. If I don't understand the situation, the chance of it hurting me is quite high. This is where the supression comes in. I supress memories, not by choice, it just happens. I've been told that it's my mind's way of protecting me from a situation until I am ready to deal with it, but I personally see it as a form of torture.

Lost of people have told me that they would like to forget bad memories like I do, but I can't help but believe that if they experienced what I do, they wouldn't be saying that. It's not fun to forget entire sections of your life. Of course, it makes things easier in the short term, but sooner or later the memories come back. When the memories come back, there's nothing that anyone can do. 

It's like I've been put into a box, just big enough for me to sit with my knees up to my chest. The box is black except for one wall. On this wall there is a projection, a short video of the memory. It's on replay. I can try to turn away, but the projection changes which wall it is on to follow me around. Closing my eyes doesn't do much, because thats when I can hear it and feel it. I can try to cry, but nothing comes out except the occasional heavy tear that quickly falls from my face and then disappears into the darkness. 

I'm usually trapped in this box for between three hours and three weeks. Although I am not litterally trapped inside a box, I do see a projection of the memory, I do hear it and feel it when I try to visually block it. The only differene is that the 'box' is everything that surrounds me, whether it's my bedroom, a classroom or just nature. During this time of being trapped in the 'box', I find it exceptionally difficult to even begin to explain what's going on for me. I try, but no one ever knows what to say, so I end up feeling like I'm crazy and keep it all to myself. 

By keeping things to myself, no one really knows what's going on for me, so it actually makes it so difficult to help me. Even when people ask for more information of what's going on, I tend to avoid giving away anything. I know that if I talk about the memories, I'll know they are real..

I've really lost where I'm going with this. It just feels like reading through my thoughts as they come to my mind. I never really explained what I wanted to in this post. I'm sorry.