Honestly, I don't know what's going on. I feel like this could be explained as being just a bump in the road to recovery, but it's not a bump, I'm climbing a mountain with my bare hands.
I feel empty, alone, lost. I'm exhausted from pretending. During the day I try to force myself to be happy and positive. I don't know whether it's for me or for everyone else, but it's happening. And every night, I crash and burn.
A couple of my friends have tried to find out what's happened that makes my mood drop so suddenly, the only explanation I've been able to offer is 'I've run out of things to be happy about' and the worst part is, that's the most accurate thing I can say to describe it. I can only numb myself for so long and then the pain comes back and engulfs me.
Last night I spent much of the night crying on and off at nothing. I don't even remember falling asleep which is often a sign that I've blacked out. When I woke up, I was numb for about a minute and then everything came back to me. I had to fight so hard to control myself and stop the tears. I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I nearly couldn't stop myself. Before leaving for college things got worse. I had a strong urge to self harm. It has been 329 days since I last did it, so there was no way I was letting the thoughts win.
I left for college and listened to music. I walked across the bridge, no thoughts. I think that was the first time that I've been bad and not seen things. Usually I see things on my body, see the things that I want to do, and I can't escape the visions. But not today. I was safe from that agony.
I guess, although things are bad, there's always something I can look at and feel a bit positive about.
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