my next step in mental recovery

For those of you who don't know, I hate having baths. I completely detest the whole experience. I'm not a huge fan of showers either but it gets everything over and done with more quickly. I hate having baths for various reasons. Partly body and self confidence issues, but partly for a reason that I don't think I've shared with anyone. 

As many of you are aware, I used to self harm. It's been nearly a year since the last time I harmed myself, and you'd never know if you quickly looked at my body. My scars have faded, mostly. When I have baths my scars show up again. I don't know whether it's to do with the warm water surrounding me or anything, but every time I have a bath my scars show up. They're not that obvious- if I forget about them, which I often do, I would never notice them. It's just when I'm thinking about things and I remember them, then I look down and there they are. 

Seeing my scars brings back the past and reminds me of when I created them. I don't remember every time I hurt myself because there were sadly just too many times that I did it, and too many times when I was not fully aware of my actions. But a few of them, I remember as if I did them yesterday. I could tell you why I did them, when, where I was, what I did it with. I could tell you what I was thinking and what I did afterwards. I never speak of these things though because they're memories that I do not feel the need to share. But when I see my scars, everything comes back to me.

I'm very happy that my body heals quickly and that my scars have faded over the months, but I guess that what's left will never truly fade away. Just like the memories. 

Anyway, I had a bath today, as I occasionally have to so I can relax my muscles after running frequently, to prevent aching. And I forgot about my scars, until I looked down and saw them. I spent a few minutes just inspecting them. Remembering what had happened, and then I began to think. These scars are with me for life, of course they have faded, but they will always be there. I hurt myself, I chose to do this to myself and I am now having to live with the consequences. I continued to think and it felt like I'd finally realised something, something that I'd been hoping to realise for a long time, but never did. 

I realised that I don't want to self harm ever again.

Some of you may say that I've said this before, and that I've made a promise never to self harm again (which I've kept to very well, and I intend to maintain this), but this is the first time that I've really thought about my actions and their consequences. During black outs, I did lose control, but as I recover I am learning how to get out of those black outs and get back in control of everything. My black outs are decreasing in frequency and I am now able to (somehow) get myself out of them with more ease. But when I am completely conscious, I definitely have full control over my actions.

Now that I have learned that my actions have consequences, through my own experiences, I now understand just how important it is to cope with my problems with healthy methods. This is why I will continue with my running. If I'm going to use something to deal with my problems, I might as well try to become talented at it.