it's not safe

I feel unsafe, like something may happen to me. I just don't know what to do. I hope this feeling will go away soon. 

I'm scared. 

threats

I feel sad saying this, but throughout my entire life I've always had people threatening me. They would threaten to hurt me, to kill me, you name it, someone will have threatened to do it to me. Of course, some of these threats have been carried out, but obviously not all of them. 

But what annoys me is when people threaten to do something to me but never do it. What's the point? It's an empty threat. If you say you're going to hurt me physically, you might as well do it. I'm used to it. 

Last night I got threatened by someone close to me who should care about me and never do such a thing to me. He said something which was entirely inappropriate, and I told him that he shouldn't say that. He then came up to where I was sitting and stood over me and kept saying 'I'd get away from here if I was you' as he prepared to fulfill his threat. 

Throughout the whole incident I just stayed still, it didn't bother me whether he did it or not. I knew exactly what he wanted to do, and I sort of wish he did it, just so I had proof it was real. 

But no, it was an empty threat. Once again, I was threatened by someone who should love me unconditionally... and I got the blame for it. 

the twenty fifth of december

All of December is spent building up to one day, a day to celebrate the birth of a person of 'religious importance'... or should I say, a day to give gifts to each other? 

In the countdown to this day it's typical for people to have advent calendars, often filled with a daily dose of chocolate. Decorations are also put up. They're shiny, and often flashy, it's rare for them to be subtle. And finally, the needless murder of am innocent tree, however, this is far less common now as people have fake Christmas trees. 

So how much of that has anything to do with the birth of 'Jesus'? That's right, nothing. 

Christmas is disgustingly materialistic, it's impossible to go anywhere during December and not be overwhelmed with the materialism associated with the day. 

But those who don't believe in Christmas must be silenced. It actually feels like people are offended by others that don't believe in Christmas. They say things like 'how can you not believe/celebrate it?' 'Dont you get bored?' 'It's nice to give gifts, why don't you just do that?'

The reason I do not just give gifts is that it is a religious holiday which I don't believe in, and I personally believe that the only people that have a right to celebrate it are those people who go to church on a weekly basis (and genuinely believe in the religion) because those people are more likely to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and not the commercial version that has been created by the mass media. 

Anyway, as you may already have guessed, I don't celebrate Christmas. I used to when I went to church weekly when I was younger, however I never believed the religion, it was just the one I was brought up with. And since I do not believe in the religion, I actually believe it's morally wrong for me to celebrate it and take advantage of a religious holiday for material gain, therefore I don't celebrate it... oh, and also because I have very bad memories associated with this time of the year, particularly the twenty fifth, so this day is very tough for me, even though I don't celebrate it. 

I'm sure you're bored of this by now, or offended somehow by what I've said, but this is my blog and I'm simply expressing my opinions. I hope you all enjoy this time of year, and celebrate the religious holiday you choose as happily as you can. But, please, remember that religion is like a penis- it's okay to have one, it's okay to be proud of it, but don't you dare shove it down anyone's throat. 

Have a great day, and as the more politically correct of us in this world say, happy holidays. 

hypocritical friend

Friendships can be beautiful things. They can allow us to help each other, make each other laugh and just enjoy each other's company. But, this will only happen if both sides of the friendship are willing to work. 

I'm in a friendship where I am the only one being nice and supportive. My 'friend' is constantly rude to me, she laughs at me and ignores me when I need her.

So why don't I just get out of this friendship? Well I can't because I have been threatened both by my 'friend' and her parents, so I have to stay friends with her. If I don't then bad things will happen. 

I don't enjoy being made to feel the way I do by someone who should be a friend, and I don't enjoy the fact that my 'friend' is a complete hypocrite. 

I just wish she realised that she's hurting me and actually cared about how she makes me feel. 

sexism

After reading an article in the paper the other day about sexism I really began to think. 

I've always been against sexism and personally never understood the need for it. I have also been the target of countless numbers of sexist comments and I've also been denied the ability to do certain things based on my gender. 

What defines someone's gender? Well originally it is your genetics (however some people may change their gender by law and/or via surgery, but I'm not focussing on that right now). So, we've established that someone's gender is decided by their genetics, specifically whether they have the chromosome XX or XY. 

Of course phsysically there are differences between males and females, and studies have also shown that there may be some mental differences. But why should this stop one gender from being able to do something? 

Many sports come with a gender which is mainly associated with it, like football is a 'male' sport and dancing is a 'female' sport. But you can get people of both genders participating in both. However, when boys and girls dance, they're allowed to dance together, whereas when boys and girls play football, they're told to play seperately because apparently boys are 'too dangerous' for girls. 

As well as the opportunities we are given, the way we are treated is also to do with our genders. Women are more likely to be sexually or verbally harassed by men than men are by women. Women are more likely to have derogatory comments directed towards them for no reason other than they are a girl. 

I could go on for so long about sexism, but I will always say that it's wrong. We are all human beings, we deserve equal rights regardless of our gender. 

the truth

I've been waiting my whole life to be told the truth. I've strongly suspected it from a very young age and I asked so many times about it, but I've had to wait this long to finally hear it. 

My mum finally admitted that she doesn't like me, and that she prefers my sibling. I know I shouldn't be hurt by this, but I'd rather she hurt me with the truth when I was young, rather than comforting me with a lie for all these years. 

The sad thing is though that I've done so much for her and with her, just to find out that she's never liked me. I feel betrayed. The lie went on for far too long. I don't know what to believe anymore. 

anxiety

I've had anxiety for so long that it just seems normal to me. It isn't until someone comments on my behaviour that I realise it's not ordinary. 

I really hope though that one day I will be able to beat my anxiety. I'd love to know what it's like to not worry about everything to the point of having panic attacks. 

black outs

Every now and then when things get really tough for me I experience something which I don't think many people experience. I can get very close to passing out and then I black out. 

When I black out I lose most of the control I have over myself. I tend to be a lot more open, honest and raw about how I'm feeling. I become inconsiderate of how others will react. And I put myself at risk of hurting myself as well as others. 

I thought that would be bad enough, but to make things worse, after the black outs I struggle to remember what's happened and what I've said or done. 

Sometimes I can get out of these black outs relatively quickly (about an hour) with the help of some people. However, sometimes I can be in a black out for a while. 

I find them very tough to deal with and I haven't ever told anyone about this face to face yet. I didn't think it was real. But I know it is now. 

six months clean

Today is a special day for me, it has been six months since the last time I self harmed. I think this is quite an achievement. It hasn't been easy, it would be a lie to say it was a simple task, but I have done it. Despite everything going wrong in my life, despite the urges and despite my lack of control of myself and my mind due to my mental illnesses, I've made it.

A few people have asked me how I managed to do it and, well, I honestly don't know. You can ask any of the people I speak to openly about everything and they will tell you that they are surprised I have been able to do it. They believed in me the whole way, but they know everything that's going on for me so would understand if I did relapse. So I think I have made them proud. They've helped me through so much, even when I've been at my lowest point and they have had no idea what to do.

So, to put it simply, I have no idea how I have managed to stay clean, because I have actually been triggered for most of the days that I have kept clean.


Anyway, I had an idea of what to write about this morning and it was inspired by a video that I watched on YouTube yesterday. It was a video about self harm and the person was basically saying that it's never a good idea, but that it's even worse to post triggering pictures of it online. It made me realise how much I agree with this.

The person also raised an important point; most people who post pictures of their self harm do it only for attention, they are not promoting any sort of help or saying that it is a bad thing. The person's video also really made me think. They said that the people bullying us do not make us self harm, things going wrong in our lives do not make us self harm, it is us that choose to pick up the tool and use it. We have the ability to stop ourselves.

This then made me think even more, and I searched '0 days clean' on twitter just to see if anyone had tweeted that they were zero days clean. The amount of people with a tweet simply consisting of that shocked me. When I did self harm, I would never post that I was zero days clean after a relapse, I kept it all very private and would only tell someone about it if they asked me. But it just feels like some people are begging for attention. Of course, some people do self harm for attention, but it's not the right way. If people want help or for people to notice them then there are much healthier ways of doing it. I just think it's bad though that someone gets more attention being paid to them if they say they are zero days clean than that they are a week clean for example.

I feel like things are going wrong. People are getting more attention if they hurt themselves than if they stop. This has actually been a bit of a problem for me recently. A few nights ago I was in need of support so I asked for it on twitter. At first I was ignored but then I got a couple of people saying that I can get through whatever I'm going through because I have been clean for so long.

The fact that I have not taken a blade to my skin for a certain amount of time does not mean that my life is getting easier for me, it just means I am learning more self control but I do still require support from time to time. 

I just really think that some people need to realise that we should encourage people not to self harm by helping those who have been clean for a while through their problems instead of causing them to want to relapse just so someone will take them seriously.

sometimes people only act

There are so many people who claim that they care and that they're willing to help, but when you actually need their help they don't seem to want to bother.   

It reminds me of a quote from the movie 'Titanic'

"There were twenty lifeboats floating nearby, and only one came back."

I originally watched 'Titanic' when I was about eight or nine years old and that line always stuck with me. I never really understood why until now. 

Last night I really struggled with some destructive thoughts and desires and all I wanted is a bit of help to be distracted from them. I cried out for help for so long and no one cared until hours later. Eventually someone finally asked me if I was okay. So the quote true, however this time it was 'there were over 9000 people following me, but only one cared.'

Now please tell me how that's okay. 

my changing body

I think it's fair to say that at some point in our lives we've all felt insecure about our weight or the way we look. For some of us it may only be for a few minutes at a time, those are the lucky ones. For others, their insecurities are with them often, but don't stop them from doing what they really want to. 

Then there is a third group of people. Those who feel constantly ashamed of their body for various reasons. 

I have belonged to the third group for most of my life. I have developed an eating disorder partially as a result of this, but also due to many other reasons. I am now recovering from this eating disorder and I'm learning a few things. 

I may be gaining weight and my measurements may be increasing but I'm starting to feel better about myself. There are of course some set backs in my recovery though. 

I know that I will never fully be over my eating disorder. The thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires will always remain with me, however I'm hoping that they will soon just be background thoughts. 

I am currently trying to get fitter. I have a healthy BMI so I'm no longer worried about my weight, but I do want to tone up. I want to become the best person that I can be, so I'm doing all that I can to get there. I'm eating healthily, and feeding myself when I am hungry rather than just ignoring it. I'm also exercising, I'm only running for now but I think this is a step in the right direction. 

Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy, but it will be worth it. 

how do people see me

I wish I could enter someone's mind and find out how the see me. I just wish I could understand how people view me and whether it meets my views of myself. 

I wish someone would honestly tell me how they felt about me and what I do. 

Too many people nowadays sugarcoat what they want to say. I just wish someone I know would be brutally honest with me about how they see me. 

self improvement

I don't really know the point of life or what I want to achieve during my time, but one thing I do know is that I will never stop improving who I am. 

There are always many things I could do better; I could be fitter, healthier, a harder worker, etc. and I will do all I can because I know that I will always have room for improvement. 

I won't improve myself for anyone other than myself. If I become the best person that I can be, then I will be happy. 

I fully accept that there will be things that I won't be good at, but I'm fine with that. All I know though is that if I can get better at something, I'll try my hardest to get there. 

regrets

We all have things that we regret, things that we wish we could undo. Thinking back to them we feel ashamed or embarrassed. 

Although it's not nice to regret things, it's important that we do so we can learn. If we don't realise that we've made a mistake, we're never going to think of doing it differently in the future. 

Our mistakes allow us to grow and develop, well, only if we let them. 

self acceptance

Isn't it sad that it's actually more socially acceptable to hate yourself than to love yourself?

The mass media abuse our insecurities with all kinds of messages from 'so and so has gained weight' to using photoshop to correct each and every flaw that anyone has. 

So, what is this doing to us? It's teaching us that we will never be good enough. That we must constantly try to better ourselves. But who is this for? We may say ourselves but untimately we know that's not true. Girls wouldn't spend hours each week in front of the mirror painting 'perfection' onto their faces, and boys wouldn't slave away in the gym so they could have an 'impressive' body just to impress themselves, would they?

Now, that was a huge generalisation and I am completely aware of that. I am actually one of the girls that doesn't wear make up and I know plenty of guys who don't go to the gym but are still happy with themselves. And how are we perceived by society? Normal. 

So why do some people believe they constantly need to change themselves? It's because they have never properly been taught how to accept themselves. 

It should be easy to learn to accept yourself, but it's not because we are constantly reminded of the imperfections of others so we eventually start to see them in ourselves. 

This isn't the kind of world I want to live in, but there is no escape from this constant comparison. 

it's time to leave your comfort zone

Most people spend most of their lives living in their comfort zone, where they feel safe, but what kind of a life is that? You have one chance to live so you might as well make the most of it. 

It's important to push yourself, because if you don't push yourself, how can you possibly improve yourself? 

poison distribution

Alcohol is a poison, deny it if you wish but it is a poison. People don't die of alcohol poisoning because it's not poisonous. Some people say that 'alcohol in moderation is okay'. That's just like saying 'cyanide in moderation is okay'. Of course, if you have too much of anything it becomes poisonous but I'm focussing on alcohol. 

Alcohol changes people, hurts people, damages people, disables people and kills people. And what do people do about it? That's right, they willingly sell it to people. 

Do I really have to point out how stupid this is?..

I'm not going to bother saying anything more about this because I know it won't change anything. No one is going to care what my opinion is on this matter. So I'll just keep quiet and be hurt more and more by what alcohol does to people. It has a very bad side and I have to witness it far too often. 

why start recovery?

Recently I've been trying to figure out exactly why I started my recovery. The truth is, I'm not completely sure why I did it. I think I was just ready for it as I got away from one of the worst aspects of my life at the time, so that did end up helping me to get a bit better. 

Recovery hasn't been an easy choice, and I do often regret starting it. But there's something within me that keeps me going. It's my internal drive to succeed. Once I start something, I tend to not want to give up because I feel that people would see me as a failure. 

Many of you might be reading this and thinking that you'd love to be 'strong' enough to be able to recover, or that you don't understand why anyone would want to recover. So I'm going to try to explain some of the good comes out of it. 

Firstly, strength isn't that important in recovery. It's mostly to do with willpower and your willingness to give new things a try. You're stuck in bad ways, you can't get out if your frame of mind and we both know it's slowly destroying you. Why would you want to stay like that? Is it because it's easier not to change? Or are you scared of the unknown? I know that for myself, it was a mixture of both of those. I was too tired and afraid to change the way I was thinking, what I was doing and how I was living. I didn't choose to recover because I was 'strong', I chose to recover because I wanted to live a better life. 

Wouldn't you like to live a better life, away from the pain that you know now? Now tell me this- how do you get better if all you're doing is staying in the same frame of mind and behaving the same way that destroys you day after day? You won't. You need to step away from what hurts you and start taking care of yourself. 

You matter. 

You are so important. People care about you, they look up to you and they need you in their lives. It may not feel like they do but just open your eyes for long enough and you will see that you are loved for who you are. 

I'm not saying change your life instantly, I'm just suggesting that you take that first step towards a better life. You'll be surprised how many people will help you on your journey. 

Don't give up, give recovery a chance. 

numbness

Does part of your body ever go numb? Maybe your foot if you sit on it for long enough. When you finally get up and start to walk on it, it feels weird, uncomfortable, sometimes painful. 

Now imagine that in your mind. You can't feel a thing, yet when you try to feel, all you can feel is pain. 

Numbness is scary because it's impossible to know how long it'll last for, and you don't know what it can cause you to do.

Of course, being able to feel something defeats the concept of numbness, but there are different stages of numbness. You go from feeling absolutely nothing to being prone to feeling pain no matter what. Then the tears come. You cry but you just don't know why. Your body just needs to release something but you don't know what. 

I fear the numbness I feel because I know that it is the numbness that is in control, not me. 

everything seems meaningless

We spend our entire lives working towards our death, so what's the point? When I die, I won't be remembered for long. After a few years I'll be forgotten. I'll just be another decomposing body in the ground. So why should I continue living? I want to end the suffering and just go to the eternal nothingness that I eventually will be. 

existential depression

I've been looking for something to explain how I feel for a while, but it wasn't until today that I actually got a name for what I'm going through. I have existential depression. 

Existential depression is basically when you believe that nothing is real and become depressed because if nothing is real then there is no meaning to life. 

One of the problems with existential depression, particularly in people of around my age is that it can cause people to feel suicidal, as there is no point to living. I've been feeling suicidal because of this. But it's only today that I've found the name for the reason. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.  

people are pretty amazing

Think about it. We're all unique; good and bad at different things. Doesn't that sort of make us amazing?

We're so different, yet we're all so similar.

things may be starting to look up again

I don't know how long this will last, but I'm glad that I'm able to feel okay for just a little while. 

This is one of the hard parts of recovery, I fall back into a state of numbness for no reason and I never know how long for. So, when I actually feel okay, it's hard to get used to. 

I hope that things continue to get better, but I'll just have to deal with whatever happens. 

my personal recovery challenge for now

Back when my eating disorder was bad, I would obsessively count calories using a couple of different apps. It wasn't until about a couple of months ago that I finally got rid of them.

Since getting rid of them I have been focusing on trying to keep healthy both by exercising and eating well. But, because I had been tracking what I had eaten for so long, it was really strange not to do it. 

Today I decided to get one of the apps back, however I have started a whole new account on it so I can avoid being triggered. 

So far it's been fine, it's actually encouraged me to do more exercise which I think is great. I'm not exercising for the calorie burning aspect, but rather because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good. 

However, because I tend to do a fair bit of exercise I've noticed that I'm not actually eating enough, so it's time for me to increase my food intake, something which will be a challenge, but I'll be able to do it. 

the return of severe depression

It's official, I'm severely depressed once again. I was only mildly depressed about a month ago because things suddenly got easier, but I'm back to where I started from. 

You know what really hurts though? Even though I'm severely depressed, I still feel like I could be a lot worse, but apparently I can't be. I'm so used to feeling this bad that it doesn't affect me like it would for most people with depression anymore. I'm numbed to it. I just feel like there's more to come. It's going to sneak up on me and destroy me very quickly, I know it. 

I just wish this would all go away. It's been 13 years and things have been getting worse and worse every year. I'm not looking forward to the future. 

religion is like a penis

I once read this on the internet; 

         "Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat."

Some people need to realise this. 

Today I had someone rather agressively try to shove their religion down my throat. This particular person, who will remain unnamed, has hurt me beyond what I can forgive. 

Because I didn't believe in Christianity, they said that I was worthless, compared me to Hitler because I said that I thought I was a good person, and said that my life wasn't worth living if I wasn't a Christian. 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I am allowed to choose my own religion, or lack of religion if I want, yes? So then explain this to me- why am I in the wrong for not believing in a 'god', yet someone who does believe in a 'god' is in the right by verbally abusing me? Is that how religions work? 

Of course, I understand that not all followers of religions are like this, and I don't want anyone to believe that I am against religions. I'm all for religions, but only if the people who believe in them don't force their beliefs on me. If you want to go to church, do it, I encourage you to if it makes you happy. But if you call me a 'sinner' for not going then that is not okay. 

I've had experience with religion before as I was raised into one of them, so please don't tell me that I 'don't know anything' because I can promise you that I do. I know a lot more than you think, but I have made a personal decision in my life to not believe in a religion. 

Keep your negative opinions of me to yourself, because as far as I'm aware, all of the most famous religions teach 'loving kindness' towards other people in some sort of way. 

insecurity

If I asked you how you felt about yourself, you'd maybe say that you're content with who you are, but that you see room for self improvement. This is because we've been taught that it's more socially acceptable to hate yourself than to love yourself, so we constantly pick out flaws in ourselves. 

The reason we pick out flaws in ourselves though is because we notice flaws in other people, and instead of accepting the person for exactly who they are, we concentrate on what is 'wrong' with them. There is nothing wrong with them though, we've just been brought up to believe that there always has to be something wrong. Nothing can ever be perfect, so that surely means that everyone has something 'wrong' with them. 

No. 

There is nothing wrong with anyone. We are all different for a reason, it's just not always clear what the reason is. People can look, sound, be or act different to us, but nothing is wrong with them. By believing that something is wrong with them, all you're doing is telling yourself that there's something wrong with you, hence your insecurity. 

In order to feel secure within yourself, you need to learn to love yourself and those around you. It's the only way. 

patience

I often help people who need support or guidance with certain things because they come to me. I'm okay with that, in fact, most of the time I enjoy being able to help people. However, from time to time I do require my own space. 

I often tell people that I need some space, just to make sure that I'm okay. But sometimes people refuse to accept that I have my own problems. 

People who speak to me regularly often decide that my problems are nothing compared to theirs. Even when I explain what's wrong, they will tell me their situation is 'worse'. There is only so much of that that I can take, and eventually I just can't speak to them anymore. So, I tell them that I need some space, yet they refuse to let me have it. 

It's people like that who I struggle to deal with. They put themselves before everyone else every single day but refuse to realise it. 

If someone tells you that they need space, be patient, give it to them. Everyone needs their own space from time to time, so please, don't deny them that necessity. 

the power of positivity

Do you ever wake up and feel like going back to sleep for another day because you know that your day is going to be a bad one? For lots of people, this accurately describes their thoughts on a Monday morning. They dread their return to school or work because they enjoyed their brief encounter of freedom. 

For other people, this accurately describes their thoughts everyday as they wake up, some people would rather not face the world because they don't think they can handle it. 

I know what it's like to wake up everyday and not want to get up and go about my daily routine. But, one thing I always noticed on the mornings when I woke up feeling like that was a strong sense of negativity, both the night before and on the morning.

Recently I've been trying to think more positively about things that I'm not looking forward to, and I've found that it does help. Of course, it won't make everything okay, but it builds up my tolerance to the things which I would previously dread. 

I think it's important for us to all try to think positively, after all, what have you got to lose?

five months clean

Five months ago today at about eleven in the morning was the last time I self harmed. I never thought I would ever be clean for this long, but I've done it. 

It's not been easy, in fact it's been so difficult. I've really struggled each day to fight through the urges, but I've managed to do it. 

I'm proving to myself everyday that I'm stronger than I think, and I think it's really important that I remind myself of my strength every time I need it. 

I'm just hoping that at least one person will see that it is possible, and believe that they can do it. If you believe in yourself, you can do just about anything. 

why bother comparing yourself to others?

It sometimes feels like it's a competition when you're suffering with a mental illness or bad experiences. It's a constant 'I'm worse than you because...' But is that really useful? All you're doing is feeling sorry for yourself and bringing yourself down even further, as well as others. By comparing yourself to others in a negative way, you're actually looking for excuses to feel bad, and that's not helpful to anyone. 

I often get people asking how my day has been, and sometimes I don't feel like going into detail, so I simple say it was alright. That person may then say 'my day was worse than yours'. But the truth is, unless you've lived my day, or heard enough about it to know who's was worse, then you have no right to compare yourself to me. 

Comparison to others will only end up bringing you down. This is your life, not your friend's, not your parents' and definitely not the life of someone you met on the internet. So, what right do you have to compare yourself to them?

We're all different and handle situations differently, so we're either at a natural advantage or disadvantage in different circumstances. 

This sort of reminds me of this quote, all though it is not fully relevant, it gets the point across: 

                  "Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish for its ability to climb a tree, it'll spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

resting is vital to aid recovery

When we work too hard physically, we get tired; our muscles ache after a while and we have to deal with the dull sensation over the next few days. The mind is similar. Working the mind too hard can cause you to feel down for a day or two afterwards. This mind work can include helping others. 

While feeling happy, we can often strive to do too much, and of course at first we get much of it done, and we feel proud of this achievement, so we continue to do this. Little do we realise at the time, but we could actually be stretching ourselves to our limits. 

Sooner or later we snap, and our mood changes. We go from feeling happy and positive, to feeling tired and easily annoyed. Once we are in this state of mental exhaustion, it takes a couple of days to get out.

Resting is important. Whether we believe we need it or not at the time, we should rest. Even something as simple as half an hour to ourselves to relax by perhaps reading or listening to music and then returning to the task can actually benefit you enormously. 

Today I've been reminded of the vitality of resting as I have over-worked my mind and body. I'm currently feeling very low, but I know exactly what has caused it, so at least I'm feeling more positive about knowing that it will be solved soon enough. 

sleep

One of the only times when I feel sort of free is when I'm asleep. I have no boundaries, but I also have no obligations. I have complete freedom for a few hours. I can dream, and rest, but there is nothing that I have to do. 

No one expects me to do anything while I'm asleep, so for a few hours the pressure is off. 

Going to sleep can be a struggle from time to time. With my mind racing, and therefore my anxiety levels rising, going to sleep can actually be quite a bad experience. I don't have anyone I can talk to about what's going on in my head because if I do, I'll end up staying awake for a while longer. 

It's not uncommon for me to cry myself to sleep because I can't handle my thoughts. But, on the plus side, I eventually do fall asleep and the problem will be relieved for a few hours. 

After those few hours, I wake up. Some days I'm happy about that, others I'm not. Sometimes I wake up, still feeling awful, and I know that that's an indicator of how my day will go on. 

Sleeping is something that I enjoy, but also dread. I hope that in the future it will be something that I only enjoy. 

support

We all need a helping hand from time to time, just to keep us heading in the right direction; that's why I believe that supporting other people is so important. Just a simple 'well done' or 'keep it up' can really motivate someone. It may not seem like much, but every wall starts with just one brick. 

During my recovery I've received a great deal of support, and I think that without that support, I wouldn't be where I am now. It's hard to believe that just a few seconds of someone's time could make my day, but it honestly does. 

I really do believe that it's extremely important that we support each other through our problems and struggles, and I think that more people need to realise this. 

the importance of embracing happiness

When recovering from a mental illness such as depression, any happiness is greatly valued. However, sometimes it can be easy to simply not realise there are opportunities for happiness all around us. 

I believe it's important to take whatever happiness I can find, after all, I don't know when my next glimpse of it will be. 

I've discovered, over time, that learning to embrace the little things is very important. It doesn't matter whether the thing making you happy is a small or massive, it could simply be a nice comment that someone makes to you, or someone giving you so much more than you could ever imagine. If it brings you happiness then you need to embrace it and be thankful for it.