achievement

On Sunday I reached a goal, something which I honestly never thought I would achieve. I got to 250 days clean from self harm. 

I've been harming myself in so many different ways for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of me harming myself, how fun. It's just something I've always done. I never realised it was self harm until a few years ago, but now when I think back to what I used to do, I recognise that it is self harm, but what shocks me is that no one noticed, and if they did, they only saw it happen once or twice. I guess I was always good at hiding it, even from the age of four. 

With that in mind, I'm sure you can understand why keeping clean from self harm is a very difficult task for me. It's something I've always been able to do. So during those 250 days I had to learn to cope in different ways. 

The first five or so months were awful, I really struggled to get through them and I was very close to giving up many times. 

Lots of people speak to me and ask me how I've done it, and I don't know how I have. Most of the people who ask me only started self harming within the last year or two and I can't help but believe that it would be easier for them to stop than for me as they have known life before self harm and I have not. I know that some things are easy for some but difficult for others. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can do it, anyone can. 

the bystander effect

'Help me'

If somebody said this to you, would you help them, or would you turn away and pretend you didn't hear them? Would you message them or would you scroll past and ignore them? 

Psychology and many studies have shown that you would ignore someone in need of your help. It can be through the diffusion of responsibility, where you believe that someone else will do something to help that person, or it can be through pluralistic ignorance, when you think 'if no one is helping then why should I?'

But when is this ever okay? Someone is very clearly in need of your help and you're happy to just let them suffer? Put yourself in their situation, then act. 

sympathy

What use does sympathy have? It's not going to help to solve the problem. If anything, it's delaying the process of solving it. So why do we give sympathy to those who crave it?

Sometimes it's because we don't know what to say, but sometimes it's because we know they won't listen to any advice we give them, so, by giving them what they want it'll keep them happy for a little bit. 

But, in the long term, sympathy won't help. That's why I'm quite harsh when it comes to giving sympathy. It's a rare event for me to be sympathetic towards others. This isn't because I'm a horrible person, it's because I'm realistic and I would rather help someone get through what's going wrong than heartlessly repeat the basic sympathetic lines such as 'oh that's awful'. Well of course it's awful, otherwise the person wouldn't be crying out for help. 

So why not try to help them instead of stating the obvious? 

relaxation

We all need to take some time out to ourselves, to rest and recover both mentally and physically. A key way of doing this is relaxing. 

People often overlook the power of relaxation, believing that it won't help them. But you'll never know whether something will help you or not if you don't try it for long enough. 

ups and downs

Life is full of ups and downs, some so extreme that we find it difficult to handle. Over the last month I have been dealing with a very deep relapse into my depression, that's why I haven't been posting on here. However, over the last couple of weeks I've been fighting back and controlling it. I'm now feeling happier than I have in years. 

I guess this is just an update post, but I am hoping to post more regularly in the near future. 

new year

This isn't going to be a typical 'new year' post. I'm not going to feed you positivity about the future, but I will explain why I'm hopeful for my future. 

Last year was one of the worst years of my life. So many bad things had happened or been done to me and my mental health hit an all time low. I saw no reason to go on for the majority of the time. I tried to destroy myself both on the inside and the outside. I had no control over what I did. My mind would take over and I would black out and have no idea what I was doing. I did things to myself, to others, without even realising and I couldn't take it back. 

I've been hated by everyone around me, had websites set up for the sole purpose of someone being able to express their hate to me. I've been threatened countless times. I've lost control over my eating, self harm, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, anxiety.. everything.

I wouldn't leave the house for much of last year, except to go to school where I would feel so alone as I contemplated how I would end my life every single minute I was there. 

I have now been trying to recover for almost four months and it has been tough, but it's helping. I'm away from some of my triggers and I'm learning to handle the others. But the thoughts continue inside my head and I have no control over them. But everything else has been very slowly improving. So that is why I'm hopeful for this year. If things continue to slowly improve then this year may be the year that I begin to experience true happiness... I've been waiting for that for my whole life. Surely this year will be the year. 

it's not safe

I feel unsafe, like something may happen to me. I just don't know what to do. I hope this feeling will go away soon. 

I'm scared. 

threats

I feel sad saying this, but throughout my entire life I've always had people threatening me. They would threaten to hurt me, to kill me, you name it, someone will have threatened to do it to me. Of course, some of these threats have been carried out, but obviously not all of them. 

But what annoys me is when people threaten to do something to me but never do it. What's the point? It's an empty threat. If you say you're going to hurt me physically, you might as well do it. I'm used to it. 

Last night I got threatened by someone close to me who should care about me and never do such a thing to me. He said something which was entirely inappropriate, and I told him that he shouldn't say that. He then came up to where I was sitting and stood over me and kept saying 'I'd get away from here if I was you' as he prepared to fulfill his threat. 

Throughout the whole incident I just stayed still, it didn't bother me whether he did it or not. I knew exactly what he wanted to do, and I sort of wish he did it, just so I had proof it was real. 

But no, it was an empty threat. Once again, I was threatened by someone who should love me unconditionally... and I got the blame for it. 

the twenty fifth of december

All of December is spent building up to one day, a day to celebrate the birth of a person of 'religious importance'... or should I say, a day to give gifts to each other? 

In the countdown to this day it's typical for people to have advent calendars, often filled with a daily dose of chocolate. Decorations are also put up. They're shiny, and often flashy, it's rare for them to be subtle. And finally, the needless murder of am innocent tree, however, this is far less common now as people have fake Christmas trees. 

So how much of that has anything to do with the birth of 'Jesus'? That's right, nothing. 

Christmas is disgustingly materialistic, it's impossible to go anywhere during December and not be overwhelmed with the materialism associated with the day. 

But those who don't believe in Christmas must be silenced. It actually feels like people are offended by others that don't believe in Christmas. They say things like 'how can you not believe/celebrate it?' 'Dont you get bored?' 'It's nice to give gifts, why don't you just do that?'

The reason I do not just give gifts is that it is a religious holiday which I don't believe in, and I personally believe that the only people that have a right to celebrate it are those people who go to church on a weekly basis (and genuinely believe in the religion) because those people are more likely to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and not the commercial version that has been created by the mass media. 

Anyway, as you may already have guessed, I don't celebrate Christmas. I used to when I went to church weekly when I was younger, however I never believed the religion, it was just the one I was brought up with. And since I do not believe in the religion, I actually believe it's morally wrong for me to celebrate it and take advantage of a religious holiday for material gain, therefore I don't celebrate it... oh, and also because I have very bad memories associated with this time of the year, particularly the twenty fifth, so this day is very tough for me, even though I don't celebrate it. 

I'm sure you're bored of this by now, or offended somehow by what I've said, but this is my blog and I'm simply expressing my opinions. I hope you all enjoy this time of year, and celebrate the religious holiday you choose as happily as you can. But, please, remember that religion is like a penis- it's okay to have one, it's okay to be proud of it, but don't you dare shove it down anyone's throat. 

Have a great day, and as the more politically correct of us in this world say, happy holidays. 

hypocritical friend

Friendships can be beautiful things. They can allow us to help each other, make each other laugh and just enjoy each other's company. But, this will only happen if both sides of the friendship are willing to work. 

I'm in a friendship where I am the only one being nice and supportive. My 'friend' is constantly rude to me, she laughs at me and ignores me when I need her.

So why don't I just get out of this friendship? Well I can't because I have been threatened both by my 'friend' and her parents, so I have to stay friends with her. If I don't then bad things will happen. 

I don't enjoy being made to feel the way I do by someone who should be a friend, and I don't enjoy the fact that my 'friend' is a complete hypocrite. 

I just wish she realised that she's hurting me and actually cared about how she makes me feel. 

sexism

After reading an article in the paper the other day about sexism I really began to think. 

I've always been against sexism and personally never understood the need for it. I have also been the target of countless numbers of sexist comments and I've also been denied the ability to do certain things based on my gender. 

What defines someone's gender? Well originally it is your genetics (however some people may change their gender by law and/or via surgery, but I'm not focussing on that right now). So, we've established that someone's gender is decided by their genetics, specifically whether they have the chromosome XX or XY. 

Of course phsysically there are differences between males and females, and studies have also shown that there may be some mental differences. But why should this stop one gender from being able to do something? 

Many sports come with a gender which is mainly associated with it, like football is a 'male' sport and dancing is a 'female' sport. But you can get people of both genders participating in both. However, when boys and girls dance, they're allowed to dance together, whereas when boys and girls play football, they're told to play seperately because apparently boys are 'too dangerous' for girls. 

As well as the opportunities we are given, the way we are treated is also to do with our genders. Women are more likely to be sexually or verbally harassed by men than men are by women. Women are more likely to have derogatory comments directed towards them for no reason other than they are a girl. 

I could go on for so long about sexism, but I will always say that it's wrong. We are all human beings, we deserve equal rights regardless of our gender. 

the truth

I've been waiting my whole life to be told the truth. I've strongly suspected it from a very young age and I asked so many times about it, but I've had to wait this long to finally hear it. 

My mum finally admitted that she doesn't like me, and that she prefers my sibling. I know I shouldn't be hurt by this, but I'd rather she hurt me with the truth when I was young, rather than comforting me with a lie for all these years. 

The sad thing is though that I've done so much for her and with her, just to find out that she's never liked me. I feel betrayed. The lie went on for far too long. I don't know what to believe anymore. 

anxiety

I've had anxiety for so long that it just seems normal to me. It isn't until someone comments on my behaviour that I realise it's not ordinary. 

I really hope though that one day I will be able to beat my anxiety. I'd love to know what it's like to not worry about everything to the point of having panic attacks. 

black outs

Every now and then when things get really tough for me I experience something which I don't think many people experience. I can get very close to passing out and then I black out. 

When I black out I lose most of the control I have over myself. I tend to be a lot more open, honest and raw about how I'm feeling. I become inconsiderate of how others will react. And I put myself at risk of hurting myself as well as others. 

I thought that would be bad enough, but to make things worse, after the black outs I struggle to remember what's happened and what I've said or done. 

Sometimes I can get out of these black outs relatively quickly (about an hour) with the help of some people. However, sometimes I can be in a black out for a while. 

I find them very tough to deal with and I haven't ever told anyone about this face to face yet. I didn't think it was real. But I know it is now. 

six months clean

Today is a special day for me, it has been six months since the last time I self harmed. I think this is quite an achievement. It hasn't been easy, it would be a lie to say it was a simple task, but I have done it. Despite everything going wrong in my life, despite the urges and despite my lack of control of myself and my mind due to my mental illnesses, I've made it.

A few people have asked me how I managed to do it and, well, I honestly don't know. You can ask any of the people I speak to openly about everything and they will tell you that they are surprised I have been able to do it. They believed in me the whole way, but they know everything that's going on for me so would understand if I did relapse. So I think I have made them proud. They've helped me through so much, even when I've been at my lowest point and they have had no idea what to do.

So, to put it simply, I have no idea how I have managed to stay clean, because I have actually been triggered for most of the days that I have kept clean.


Anyway, I had an idea of what to write about this morning and it was inspired by a video that I watched on YouTube yesterday. It was a video about self harm and the person was basically saying that it's never a good idea, but that it's even worse to post triggering pictures of it online. It made me realise how much I agree with this.

The person also raised an important point; most people who post pictures of their self harm do it only for attention, they are not promoting any sort of help or saying that it is a bad thing. The person's video also really made me think. They said that the people bullying us do not make us self harm, things going wrong in our lives do not make us self harm, it is us that choose to pick up the tool and use it. We have the ability to stop ourselves.

This then made me think even more, and I searched '0 days clean' on twitter just to see if anyone had tweeted that they were zero days clean. The amount of people with a tweet simply consisting of that shocked me. When I did self harm, I would never post that I was zero days clean after a relapse, I kept it all very private and would only tell someone about it if they asked me. But it just feels like some people are begging for attention. Of course, some people do self harm for attention, but it's not the right way. If people want help or for people to notice them then there are much healthier ways of doing it. I just think it's bad though that someone gets more attention being paid to them if they say they are zero days clean than that they are a week clean for example.

I feel like things are going wrong. People are getting more attention if they hurt themselves than if they stop. This has actually been a bit of a problem for me recently. A few nights ago I was in need of support so I asked for it on twitter. At first I was ignored but then I got a couple of people saying that I can get through whatever I'm going through because I have been clean for so long.

The fact that I have not taken a blade to my skin for a certain amount of time does not mean that my life is getting easier for me, it just means I am learning more self control but I do still require support from time to time. 

I just really think that some people need to realise that we should encourage people not to self harm by helping those who have been clean for a while through their problems instead of causing them to want to relapse just so someone will take them seriously.