comments now enabled

I have decided to enable people to comment on my blog posts now if they wish to- either anonymously or not. I will admit I don't completely understand how it all works, but I thought I would give it a try, after 100 successful blog posts, I think it's about time I allowed others to comment if they wanted to.

Have an amazing day!

putting myself first

I think the last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me. This is because I have been learning to focus on myself first, and put others second. Although this may sound selfish, it's a vital step forwards in my recovery and one that I have struggled with for many years.

I always thought that putting others before myself would be better, because at least that was they would be helped. But looking back now, I can see that many people have used and abused my kind approach towards others and it makes me feel like a bit of a fool really. Obviously I haven't just stopped and become self centered overnight, but I have been making slow and stead progress towards putting myself first and looking after myself more.

Over the last month or two I have slowly but surely been getting people who are negative influences out of my life- these are people such as 'friends' who only spoke to me when they wanted something, people who never bothered to listen to me or how I was doing, and people who expected me to help them though absolutely everything regardless of whether I wanted to or not. 

Since getting some of the most negative people out of my life, I feel like I am more free. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I don't have to worry about when they next speak to me and what they were going to try to ask me to do. Of course, none of them took it well to begin with. I can understand it's not nice to be told that you're hurting someone and that they want you out of their life, however I did say it in the kindest way possible, but after the way they had all treated me, I really shouldn't have cared at all.

I'm very glad that I decided to take yet another positive step forwards in my life and focus far more on myself, because I know that I am making good progress and I can actually start to see it now. 

six months of vegetarianism

On the first of April this year, I decided that I would like to try vegetarianism once again. I had tried once before a few years ago, and struggled to complete a month, but since the start of this year, I had been trying new types of food and eating more of a variety, so for that reason I thought that I was ready to try to be a vegetarian for a while. Initially I had only planned to do it for one month, then for three, but as soon as I hit those goals, I thought I would increase it to six months and then consider what to do after that. 

I have found that since becoming a vegetarian, I eat far more healthily and generally feel a lot better about eating. I have really enjoyed it, but I have felt tempted to eat meat a few times which was difficult as I have been eating meat for my whole life and all of my friends and family eat meat, so the temptation was always there, but once I make a promise to myself, I don't tend to break it.

 

I don't think anyone believed that I could be a vegetarian for longer than a few days and I have been told by many of my friends that they didn't think I'd make it over a month. One of my friends is trying to convince me that being a vegetarian is stupid and that I should stop, which is a bit frustrating, but she is entitled to her own opinion. 

Over the next week or two, I'm going to consider what I'm going to do next; whether I'm going to continue being a vegetarian, or whether I am going to start eating meat again. And if I do eat meat again, whether it is regular or just once a week or once a month. I'm not going to make any decisions until I am completely sure, but it just gives me something to think about. 

some flaws in education

The introduction of education for all in the UK in the late nineteenth century, although a brilliant step forwards in the furthering of equality among all ethnicities, social classes and genders, does have many downsides. For example, the introduction of the national curriculum means that all subjects have a limited percentage of time that each school is allowed to spend on them, with specialist schools having slight variations on these percentages, however, they are all very similar. This is not really to ensure that we all have a similar education though, but instead it is so that schools can be compared for their results more easily, as they must attract future students. Parents can easily compare the English or Maths grades of any school and know that all students are getting a fair chance. One school may average a B for all of their English exams and another may average an A. Previously the school achieving the average of an A could spend up to half of each day in English lessons and the school achieving an average of a B may only spend a quarter of each day in English lessons. However now all schools have set percentages of time which they must spend on each lesson. This does not apply to private schools.

The national curriculum exists to ensure that we all learn the same things and therefore have equal chances of passing exams. But, a downside of the national curriculum is that some students can't even imagine the thought of of studying a subject that truly interests them until they move up to sixth form or higher education, meaning that the talents they may have been able to nurture from childhood will go unused and may fade, or the person may not even know they are talented in a specific area.

The national curriculum also limits the further knowledge we may posses. Someone may enjoy learning about the human body in Biology, but the national curriculum, and their exam board, only states that they must learn the names of organs, while they may be keen to learn about things such as blood types and how diseases impact our bodies, this further knowledge is considered useless in the grading field because if it's not on a mark scheme, a mark cannot be given, no matter how much they know about something.

Another thing about education (excluding vocational education or training) is that exams are a huge part of most subjects. But these exams do not test understanding or creativity, they test our memory and ability to structure answers, even though the structures have been taught to us over and over again. For instance, I knew that in my GCSE English exam, every time I wanted to say something, I'd have to say it in a PEC format- Point, Evidence, Comment. I couldn't focus an entire essay on something that interested me, I had to write everything in a PEC format multiple times, but make sure I have an acceptable introduction and conclusion. But this wasn't unique to me, across the UK, most students followed the same format, or a format very similar to it, and this needed to be done to achieve a high grade, otherwise our writing styles would be faulted and marks would be deducted.

I see exams more as memory games than true tests of understanding. All you really have to do is write what your teacher has told you. You have to remember facts and figures, but only of things you have been taught. We all possess the same knowledge and must generate the same answers in order for us to be recognised as academically intelligent, but I regard academic intelligence and real life intelligence as two completely different things which have entirely different uses. Academic intelligence is useful for the first 16-25 years of our lives, but after that, real life intelligence is far more important and useful. So it almost seems as if what we learn during our time in education is useless to living our lives, and while this is true, in almost every job, a certain degree of academic knowledge or intelligence is required, so it's not all useless.

I could speak about the issues I have with education for hours, and it would seem that I hate learning, but I in fact love learning, but this brings me to my final point. Because education must cater to a variety of people, which means different learning speeds and styles, I personally find education to be incredibly slow. A whole lesson can be spent on something that I would happily be able to learn in ten or fifteen minutes, however the entire class must understand the content and this means that the teacher may have to repeat themselves multiple times and give more than one example to the class. It has been suggested by my friends and family that I start to teach myself ahead of classes, and this is what I have been starting to do. I am currently a few lessons ahead in all my classes, and baring in mind I only started yesterday to teach myself the content that my teachers will be going through in the future, I think this is a great start. It does however mean that during lessons the work is just being repeated, but I find this useful in memorising it, so it's not too bad. I just know I'm going to be frustrated when the material I currently have runs out and I will have to wait for my teacher to hand out the next bit of the course. But I will just deal with that as it comes.

While I understand that this blog post shines a negative light on educational establishments, I do still enjoy learning, but if it was possible, I'd love it for education to be tailored more towards each individual. But I am incredibly grateful that I am in a country where I have a right to an education, and I will make the most of all the educational opportunities that come my way, as it would be a shame to waste such an amazing privilege.

running away or towards problems

I am a strong believer that problems can be dealt with in one of two ways: you can run away from them, or run towards them. Running away from problems is always the easiest option, and solves them for a short period of time, but it's never a long term solution. However, running towards your problem means that you have no choice but to deal with it. While running towards your problem and being forced to deal with it is far more difficult, and can often not work, it's still worth a try, in my opinion.

I've got through many problems by just dealing with them head on, such as my anxiety. I do still suffer with anxiety now, but it's no way near as bad as it used to be. I used to avoid leaving the house for fear of speaking to people or encountering situations that I would panic, and also a combination of other mental illnesses preventing me from living 'normally'. But, now although I still have anxiety, I find it a lot easier to cope with. My panic attacks are far less frequent and I find it easier to deal with it in so many different situations including talking to strangers.

I have a few friends both in real life and on the internet who suffer with anxiety of varying degrees and varying levels of recovery, and they all seem to follow the same approach- running away. It wasn't actually until my best friend developed anxiety a couple of years ago that I was forced to deal with mine and try to get better. She struggled with many of the same things that I did, but she was unwilling to try to get better, and so therefore stayed at home a lot, similarly to me previously. I thought that if I worked on my anxiety, it would make our friendship easier and we could try get things back to the way they used to be.

She developed a strong fear of paying for things in shops at that time, and I had always had a fear of paying for things in shops, but for her, I tried my hardest to conquer my fear, and months on, I'm still working on it but I am definitely getting there. She is thankful that I am doing this for her, and her parents are also grateful that I am able to help her as someone who understands, as they do not have anxiety, nor do they know how to deal with it, so they are thankful for my help, but I just see it as something that any friend should do.

My friend has since maintained what I consider to be a steady level of anxiety for a while, but she still uses the 'running away from her problems' technique and has regretted it. She has told me that she wishes she could just face her problems head on in an attempt to try to beat them, however I just don't think that she is ready yet. In time though, I think she will be ready.



For me, the last month has been an interesting one for my anxiety- I have forced myself to run right towards the problem and try to beat it, and it's actually working surprisingly well. It doesn't work every time, but each time is getting me closer to where I want to be. I will henceforth continue to run towards whatever issues I have with my anxiety until I, for lack of a better word, 'beat' it.

short rant

I will never understand what compels people to feel the desire to post things on the internet with the sole intention of hurting others. It's clear that not all posts that are seen as offensive or hurtful are created with that intension, however a number of them are. These posts serve no useful purpose to the world, as spreading hate and hurtful things from one person to another is not only bad but a waste of possible productive time which the creator of the hurtful posts could instead use to do something that would be beneficial to many people.

educational standards

From birth to adulthood, we are raised to fit into a few particular standards, and failure to do so is considered bad. These standards could be good organisation, or exceptional social skills, however its obvious that we cannot all become exactly what is expected of us.

In school and other places of education, it is far more obvious that some standards are expected of everyone. These standards are things such as excellent behaviour, exemplary attendance and an outstanding work ethic, and anything less than these standards is considered punishable.

If someone misbehaves in school, let's say they get into a physical fight with someone else, the school will discipline the people involved, but rarely will they find out the reason behind the fight. The person who began the dispute may have been abused by someone the night before and feel upset and vulnerable, which may cause them to lash out without properly thinking about the consequences. But this doesn't really matter, what matters is that the person did not meet the expected standard and will therefore be punished instead of helped.

It goes without saying that not all instances of behaviour which is considered to be below par are caused by abuse, but I do believe that our behaviour is not random, and that how we act is often subconsciously impacted by what we experience in our lives. But not many people focus on the reasons behind a negative behavioural outburst, but instead focus on the punishment to try to prevent it from happening again.


There are times when people do meet the standards expected of them, and this is followed by enormous amounts of praise where they are told how amazing they are. But are they really amazing, or are they just good at acting? Someone can quite easily be very organised with their work for school, but the rest of their life can be a complete mess, both physically and emotionally, but this person is told how great they are at being organised. The same goes for an excellent work ethic. A student may love art and spend hours doing art work at home, but neglect their other work, like maths or biology, but their art teacher will praise them for being so committed and for having an outstanding work ethic, while their other teachers hand out detentions and other forms of punishment like there's no tomorrow.

This praise and punishment causes us all to find ourselves aiming for the delicate balance of perfection within education, but failure to achieve this balance will only ever make us feel like we have failed ourselves, when we have in fact not failed anyone. We all have different skills and talents, some of which don't fall under any criteria specified by any educational institutions, but that talent or skill is something that we don't fail at, but instead excel.

At the start of this post I said that this impacts us from birth to adulthood, and this is because as young adults, people often realise that educational success is something that means nothing to them, but personal achievements are all they aim for. Some people realise this sooner, others later and some not at all, but it's typically when we become young adults that we understand that the standards that we were expected to live by are nothing more than large wishes of what I will refer to as 'the lords of education' that need not be granted by every single person.

The only standards that we should live to are the ones that we set for ourselves, and the only achievements that we aim to succeed at should be the ones that we believe would be beneficial for us and those around us.

eating issues relapse

It really has been a while since I last made a blog post, and that's simply because I kept putting it off. I haven't had any ideas of what to write about recently, and I have been busy with college and a few other things, so my life has been quite hectic recently and although I have really wanted to write a blog post, I just haven't had a chance to write a proper one that I thought was good enough to post, so I just didn't. Now that that's out of the way, I can get to what this post is about.

Something that some of you may know about me, is that I have had eating issues in the past (for more information, see older post). These eating issues used to be a long term problem for me, however in the last year I have had it under control much more. It was only a few days ago that I noticed that the problem was resurfacing. 

When things get bad for me, and I lack control in the situation, one method that I always think about is restricting what I eat. I think it's partly to do with being in control of at least something in my life, but also to do with self punishment for whatever reason it may be.

Recently I have been fighting off the urges to restrict again, however a few days ago I sadly gave in and started to restrict what I eat. So after a month and a half of absolutely no calorie counting, I started to do it again. There was one change this time though: as much as I hated eating because I didn't think I deserved it, I made sure I ate 1200 calories each day as I knew that this is the minimum amount I should let myself eat.

I have spoken to one friend about this and they completely understand my reasons for doing it as they know of the pressure that I have been under recently, but I just feel that if I don't tell anyone else, I could keep it hidden for a very long time and fall back into my old ways of being, and I don't want that.

Although I was only restricting for a few days, it was a few days too many and I am upset with myself for giving in to the thoughts and punishing myself like that. Technically it is considered as a form of self harm, however I am not counting it as a relapse for my self harm recovery, but for my eating issues recovery, but I am completely fine with the relapse as it was only minor and I did make sure I consumed a healthy amount each day.

Another reason that I am being open about this is that I find the easiest way for me to change something and keep it changed is for me to openly admit that I was at fault and then state what change I am going to make, because if other people see it, I know that I have to keep at it.

So, as a result of this eating issue relapse, I'm going to delete the calorie counting app that I used on my phone, and all other things that can (and probably will) trigger me again. I will also try my hardest to eat normally again, because I know it's not right for me to do this to myself, and I need enough food to keep going.

I hope that I wont have another eating issue relapse again anytime soon, but if I do, I think I will be more open and honest about it and let people know that it is happening so they can be aware and possibly help me if they want to.

spoken poetry

I like spoken poetry. I'm not so much a fan of any poetry that's written down, because I don't think that you can get emotions into it properly. When you hear someone's voice change as they say things, you can tell what they're thinking and how they feel, and that's why I really do like spoken poetry.

I find it so amazing to hear someone express their ideas in a poetic way too, it's just another creative thing that I love. It's a bit like singing, but often the words are more meaningful because they don't have to rhyme or fit in with a beat. They can take as long as they like and they often have some humour in them.

While I was at school, we only studied old fashioned written poetry that was drowning in metaphors about things that none of us ever understood, never once did I learn about spoken word poetry, but I believe that if I did, I may have enjoyed my English lessons far more.

I was never good at writing stories or expressing ideas through essays, but through spoken poetry, I feel that I can more confidently, and with far more emotion than with anything else. The only problem is that all of my spoken poetry is currently written poetry, because I've never had the confidence to read the poetry aloud for others to hear. Maybe one day I will, but right now I know that I'm not ready. I'll definitely keep writing it though because I enjoy expressing myself in ways that allow me to be creative.

I recommend that others look into spoken poetry too, as it's very different to the written poetry that we usually think of. It's very interesting, and some of you may just find a talent for writing and performing it.

one year of recovery

Exactly a year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. After having a terrible panic attack that lasted for six hours and returning home and crying for hours while contemplating ending my life, I realised that things needed to change. After hitting rock bottom three months before that day, I thought things wouldn't get any worse, but I just remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything and almost losing control. It was at that point that I told myself that I couldn't go on like that.

After suffering a lifetime of mental illnesses, I didn't know what recovery would bring. I couldn't say that I wanted to go back to being happy like when I was a child, because I wasn't happy as a child. I knew that recovery would take me along an unknown path to a destination that I had never even caught a glimpse of before, and this terrified me. I was so scared that the end of the route wouldn't be happiness, and that I would be stuck as I was for the rest of my life.

The decision to recover was not an easy one at all, I'd put it off for as long as possible, but when I got to about three months free of all self harm, I thought I needed to do this for myself. I was at a point where I knew I could cope more easily without self harm, and this was what made me feel that I needed to start then. I also decided to start at that time because it was the start of an academic year and I thought it would be best to start then because everything was new and different.

I discussed the idea with a friend and they said that it would be a good idea to at least give it a go, and so that was when I tweeted that I had decided to start my recovery. I thought that tweeting it would be a good idea because that way I knew that people were aware so I couldn't just secretly start and then give up. I was in it for the long run.

The first few months of recovery were difficult, and every day I felt like giving up and falling back into my old ways of living, but every day I kept myself going with the hope that one day I may actually beat these mental illnesses. I guess you could say I was holding onto the hope that things would get better, and as my friends will know, I've had nights where I break and start to question whether things really do get better, or whether I'm stuck like this for life.

It's only been in the last three or four months that I have started to notice a difference. I have felt more positive and outgoing, and I have had almost full days without feeling bad at all. I've even had a whole week where I felt positive and didn't let any negativity get to me, that was a great week, and I'm hoping that in the future I will have more days and possibly weeks like that!

By sharing my recovery journey on twitter, I feel that I have had to keep up with it. People care about me and keep track of how I'm doing. They support me though my worst times, and enjoy my best times with me. Even if someone has never spoken to me, I notice that they favourite my tweets from time to time, and I appreciate that, because I can see that they're keeping track of my account and how I am doing from time to time.



I thought that I might add a little bit on the end of frequently asked questions about my recovery, but if there is anything that I didn't answer but you want to know, please feel free to message me on twitter.

Are you glad you started recovery?
Definitely!

Are you seeing the benefits of recovery?
Yes, and each time I improve I just feel so glad that I chose to recover.

Do you still have bad times?
Of course, however they are decreasing in frequency and duration.

You said you self harmed, do you still have your blades/tools?
Everything that I have used to self harm with is still in my bedroom, but I do not get them out and I do not use them. I'm hoping to be able to get rid of them in the next year. I know it sounds like a long time, but I'm 99% certain that I won't use them, so I'm not worried about having them in my room as I'm already 14 months clean, so you can see that I've gone this long, I can keep going.

Do you still get triggered?
Yes, but not as often anymore.

Would you recommend that others try to recover too?
Only if they're ready. Recovery when you're not ready can be very scary and difficult, which can make people more likely to give up. If anyone does feel ready to try though, I think they should. There will always be people to support them.

How do you motivate yourself to keep going?
Personal challenges. These can be anything from me wearing a skirt to speaking to someone new in a lesson. I will make sure that I complete these challenges, or do the best that I can at that point. These personal challenges, although small, make me feel proud of myself with each achievement.

Do you see a therapist or counsellor to help you?
I did about a year and a half ago for about six weeks, but no, not since then.

Do you take medication?
No, never have.

What do you do when you've had a bad day and you feel like things aren't going well?
I make sure I eat something whether I want to or not, and then just get into bed and watch a film to keep myself busy. I try to get to sleep as early as I can so I can try to get to the next day and hope that it will be better.

What's your goal of recovery?
Ultimately it's to be positive, confident and to learn to love myself.

How do you know you're ready for recovery?
Ask yourself if you're happy with how your life is now. If you are, great. If you're not, and you want to change it, recovery may be a good option for you to consider.

Since you started recovery, how has your self image changed?
I see myself as a more positive and friendly person who is hard working. Physically, I like my body more now. I have suffered with eating issues, so to be a healthy weight and happy with how I look is great.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how positive do you feel about recovery today?
I think I'd have to say 7. Usually I would be 8 or 9, but as I felt very triggered yesterday and had many panic attacks last night and this morning, I feel that I have slipped back just a little bit, but I know that I can get through this because I know it's only a bad couple of days and I will be okay soon.

What makes recovery easier?
Distancing yourself from what triggers you. For example, someone trying to recover from an eating disorder should avoid looking at 'thinspo'. If certain people in your life trigger you, get away from them, and if you can't, try to focus more on yourself rather than what they say or do. If you remain around things that trigger you while you're recovering, it will make your recovery much more difficult. And it can sometimes make people question whether you are taking it seriously or not. No one expects you to change everything instantly, but if you continue with the same behaviour as before starting recovery, it can be more difficult for you.



Once again, if you have any other questions, please feel free to message me on twitter. Have a wonderful day.

loving your own appearance

Unless you have had issues with the way you look for your entire life, you will most likely not truly understand just how amazing it is to have a great body image day. I've had one today and yesterday, and I've honestly never felt so confident. I know that my looks should not determine my confidence, because I know I am smart and talented at many things, but feeling good about the way I look just makes everything so much better.

After having a discussion with someone yesterday about bodies, well, they were complaining about how much they dislike their body, and they're working on it the healthy way, so for that I am really happy for them, but I couldn't help but notice that they used a lot of negative language. They told me that they 'hate' their arms and that their legs were 'huge'. As an onlooker, I noticed nothing wrong with their body. To be completely honest, that person had a great body- strong and healthy, but it also looked great too.

It's taken me a long time to realise that the only person who really cares about the way I look is me. No one else is going to feel insecure for me. It's all down to how I feel. So if I feel confident about the way I look, that's all that matters. Plus, when I feel confident, I act more confident, which makes me much more friendly because I'm usually a very shy person.

I've been thinking, and over the last month, I think I have finally learned to accept myself. I used to hate my legs, my stomach, my face, everything really. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself for what I really am, pretty damn good looking. And I don't really care who disagrees with me, my opinion on the way I look is the only thing that matters.

I no longer see a reason to try to change myself, I fully understand that I will never be perfect, but I'm starting to love my imperfections, because those are what make me into a unique person.

I'm so happy to finally be able to see this in myself. It's taken long enough, but good things come to those who wait... or those who work their butts off for it! Self love only comes from within, so be nice to yourself and learn to love yourself for exactly who you are. You'll never be happy with yourself by hating everything about you.

We're all unique, embrace that. 

my eating issues

I had the idea for this blog post earlier this morning while just resting in bed waiting for it to be an acceptable time to get up, as I woke up at five. I wanted to write it all out there and then but I thought I would give myself time during the day to plan what I was going to put in the post, which I haven't done, but I wanted to at least write out this post so I have it ready to post whenever I feel that it is suitable, which is most likely today, depending on how well I write it.

A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.

Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.

For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.

As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.

The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.



I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.

I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.

I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.



I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.

About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.

My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.


I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.

I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.

You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.



I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.

promises

To me, promises are important. If someone promises to do something, I believe they should keep that promise no matter what, or do everything they can to do what's second best. I'm the kind of person who will keep a promise and keep to my word all the time. I get so annoyed with myself if I don't keep a promise, so I do try my best, but I'm only human and sometimes promises cannot be kept, however I inform the person and make it up to them in whatever way I can.

I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.

Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.

When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.

I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.

With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.

I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.

I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.

positivity

It's difficult to remain positive all the time. Well, I think that anyone who claims to is lying. We all have times when we just feel so hopeless because something big has gone wrong, so at some point we will all have a negative attitude towards the world.

The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.

I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.

I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.

One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.

My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.

I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.

last night

I've struggled for my entire life with mental illnesses, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I have noticed a change. I began to see things, and think things that I didn't want to think or see. They weren't right. I haven't actually told many people about the specifics of each situation, because I just find it far too hard to talk about. I've told two or three people, and I've had mixed reactions.

I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.

I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.

That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.

Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.

Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.

I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.