Unless you have had issues with the way you look for your entire life, you will most likely not truly understand just how amazing it is to have a great body image day. I've had one today and yesterday, and I've honestly never felt so confident. I know that my looks should not determine my confidence, because I know I am smart and talented at many things, but feeling good about the way I look just makes everything so much better.
After having a discussion with someone yesterday about bodies, well, they were complaining about how much they dislike their body, and they're working on it the healthy way, so for that I am really happy for them, but I couldn't help but notice that they used a lot of negative language. They told me that they 'hate' their arms and that their legs were 'huge'. As an onlooker, I noticed nothing wrong with their body. To be completely honest, that person had a great body- strong and healthy, but it also looked great too.
It's taken me a long time to realise that the only person who really cares about the way I look is me. No one else is going to feel insecure for me. It's all down to how I feel. So if I feel confident about the way I look, that's all that matters. Plus, when I feel confident, I act more confident, which makes me much more friendly because I'm usually a very shy person.
I've been thinking, and over the last month, I think I have finally learned to accept myself. I used to hate my legs, my stomach, my face, everything really. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself for what I really am, pretty damn good looking. And I don't really care who disagrees with me, my opinion on the way I look is the only thing that matters.
I no longer see a reason to try to change myself, I fully understand that I will never be perfect, but I'm starting to love my imperfections, because those are what make me into a unique person.
I'm so happy to finally be able to see this in myself. It's taken long enough, but good things come to those who wait... or those who work their butts off for it! Self love only comes from within, so be nice to yourself and learn to love yourself for exactly who you are. You'll never be happy with yourself by hating everything about you.
We're all unique, embrace that.
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Friday, 22 August 2014
my eating issues
I had the idea for this blog post earlier this morning while just resting in bed waiting for it to be an acceptable time to get up, as I woke up at five. I wanted to write it all out there and then but I thought I would give myself time during the day to plan what I was going to put in the post, which I haven't done, but I wanted to at least write out this post so I have it ready to post whenever I feel that it is suitable, which is most likely today, depending on how well I write it.
A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.
Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.
For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.
As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.
The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.
I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.
I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.
I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.
I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.
About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.
My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.
I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.
I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.
You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.
I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.
A not so well known fact about me is that I have had eating issues in the past. I'm calling it an eating issue because I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, simply because I didn't want to see anyone about it, and I'm not sure whether it can be classed as disordered eating as I have never fully looked at what disordered eating consists of. An eating disorder is different from disordered eating for those of you that don't know. Some of you may pick me up and say that I have claimed to have had an eating disorder before, and yes that is true, but that was only ever when someone asked me what was 'wrong' with me, so I'd supply them with a very brief list with no detail, I referred to my eating issues as an 'ED' which lots of you will understand is a shortened form of 'eating disorder', but looking back I do regret even saying that I had an 'ED' as I had never been diagnosed, however my intention of sharing it was not to fool anyone, rather just to fit into a quick list that had been requested.
Now that that's out of the way I can finally explain what I mean by 'eating issues'.
For the last few years of my life, maybe four or five, I have struggled with eating issues, which usually involved restricting my food intake to a level which was unsustainable or starving myself completely. I am not sure why I developed these eating issues, but I do have a couple of ideas.
As a child, from as young as I can remember until I was about fourteen I would be called fat multiple times every single day by someone that I could not get away from. As well as calling me fat, they'd call me other names with the same meaning, but it was just their way of keeping it interesting for themselves. As a child I was never fat, I was a little chubby but I would never say fat at all. I was a healthy weight. I don't really think the name calling contributed to my eating issues though because as well as receiving insults about my weight, I would be called all sorts of other things. You name it, I've probably been called it. Although these insults hurt at the time and caused me to feel insecure for most of my life, they've had no lasting impact which is what leads me to believe that the names I had been called did not really contribute to my eating issues.
The other reason that I could think had been a causing factor in me developing eating issues is that both my parents are unhappy with their weights and have been for as long as I can remember. Because of this, they both diet. I won't go into detail because you all know dieting basics, but their constant dieting has caused me to feel bad about what I eat. They often make comments saying that I'm not eating enough, or that I'm not eating the right things, but when I increase what I eat and eat far more healthily they tell me that they are worried about me. As you can see, this is quite confusing for me, and growing up with this has caused me to have an odd relationship with food, where I almost fear it, but at the same time love it.
I remember the first day my eating issues actually began. I had an argument with my friend and I just remember from that point onwards I stopped eating. I still don't understand why, and I can't remember how long it was for, but I remember that during the next couple of weeks I lost a noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't until the next year that I began calorie counting. Calorie counting became quite a big issue for me, I had done it for a few years, but two years ago I remember it got really bad. I was surviving on less then three hundred calories per day (of which none of them were from a healthy or nutritious source) and I would be exercising for about two hours a day. I'd make exercise schedules and increase what I did every day, regardless of how tired or weak I felt.
I don't really remember how long all of that went on for, but I remember my friends starting to notice. I began to skip lunch at school and make up an excuse that I'd already eaten, which they knew was a lie because I was in the same classes as them and so we weren't really apart during the day.
I remember that stage as being a bad stage of my life. I hated that every single time I stood up, I'd have to hold onto something as my eyes went black and I went light headed. No matter how slowly I stood up, the lack of food inside me was negatively affecting me. I became weak and found even simple tasks like walking for twenty minutes very difficult. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stuck out and this actually made things like sitting or lying down very uncomfortable. I remember looking down at my stomach each night and noticing it getting smaller and smaller every time. Soon I became more desperate and started going for five hour walks. I'd do this as often as I could, but I never remember enjoying the walks. I just saw them as something that I thought I needed to do.
I guess the next thing for me to say is that I'm better now. I still have some way to go, but I am so much better than I used to be, as I will explain soon. But you may be wondering how I got better. Well, it wasn't my choice. My parents finally got sick of me doing this to myself, and I remember that during meals they would sit with me until I ate every last bit of my food whether I wanted to eat it or not. After a while I realised that I wanted to do this for myself (it really did take a while), so I refused to let myself exercise (except walking, but only when necessary) and I ate suitably and regularly. I regained my weight and I'm at a healthy weight now.
About nine months ago, I finally let myself start to exercise again, and this is when I started running. I'd always wanted to run, but I knew that during my time of bad eating issues, I just didn't have the strength to do it. Starting exercising again was tough as part of me wanted to become obsessive again, but I knew that I needed to take it slowly. There have been times where I have been a little obsessive with my running, but I made up for it by eating right. Another thing I like about running is that you need to eat to be able to do well with it, so it's actually encouraging me to eat more which is great.
My eating habits are now so much more healthy than they have ever been and I can really tell that the healthy food is helping me. Best of all, I enjoy eating it! Food is slowly changing from something I hated and would avoid, to something I enjoy and look forward to.
I'm glad I'm at a healthy weight and eating well now, as I no longer have to worry about passing out every time I stand up, I can exercise whenever I like, and I'm learning to love food. But my eating issues did cause me to become very weak, and this means that I'm having to build up my strength, which is harder than I'd like it to be, but I'm enjoying the challenge. I still count calories sometimes, but no longer in a way to restrict myself, but a way to make sure I am eating the right about. It has been almost three weeks since the last time I counted calories and I am proud of myself for achieving that. And I do sometimes want to go back into my old ways, but I know that I have to keep myself healthy because that's more important to me than being thin.
I now have a pretty good body. Exercising and eating healthily has made me look so much better than I ever had before, and this just encourages me to keep myself healthy and take care of myself. Not only do I feel good, but I look good too. And yes, self confidence about the way I look is one of the many perks of me getting better.
You may notice that I have not included any details such as my weight during each stage, and this is because I believe that as I am moving past all of that, that the information is irrelevant.
I've never really told anyone this before. I've told people I trust little bits of it, but never the whole thing. This was quite a hard post for me to create and I hope that while reading this, you can respect how difficult it has been for me to open up about this. I wanted to be honest about it though because I feel that it is something that I have kept secret for too long, and I don't like the fact that I feel that I have to hide it. I applogise that the post is not as well written as it could be, but I was focussing more on getting out what I wanted to say rather than the way that I wanted to say it.
Thursday, 21 August 2014
promises
To me, promises are important. If someone promises to do something, I believe they should keep that promise no matter what, or do everything they can to do what's second best. I'm the kind of person who will keep a promise and keep to my word all the time. I get so annoyed with myself if I don't keep a promise, so I do try my best, but I'm only human and sometimes promises cannot be kept, however I inform the person and make it up to them in whatever way I can.
I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.
Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.
When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.
I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.
With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.
I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.
I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.
I've recently had an issue with one of my friends breaking promises. She is one of my best friends and I've been friends with her for about ten years. We have both struggled with mental health issues in the past, and I think the fact that we both knew each other before and during these problems, we have stuck together and have a stronger friendship now. She has social anxiety and has had it for the last four years, I have had social anxiety for eight years, so I understand what it's like for her. We both tend to avoid meeting new people and entering social situations that we are not comfortable in, and for that reason neither of us have many friends. She has more than me though because she used to be able to make friends very easily so has kept those friends, but I've never been very good at making friends so I never had many to begin with.
Because we are best friends, we tend to spend a lot of time together and see each other whenever we can, even if it's just to go for a quick walk and talk about how things are going. Recently we have both been busy, and she had been away on holiday, but we agreed that we would see each other when she got back, and she even went so far as to promise that she would make sure she saw me.
When she got back, I was looking forward to seeing her and texted her to ask when she would be free, only for her to tell me that she wasn't. But that was okay, she'd only got back the day before so I wasn't expecting her to be available just yet. The next day I texted her to ask how she was doing, we had a decent conversation for about an hour, then I asked her if she was free for the rest of the day so I could see her for a little bit. She completely ignored that message and then thirteen hours later finally replied in the middle of the night telling me that she was at some guys house.
I thought that was okay, I had no idea who the guy was but it's her life and I can't expect her to always be free for me. The next day she texted me to ask if I was free, I wasn't but she begged me to see her, she seemed upset so I thought that it would be better to see her to make sure she was okay than to leave her upset, so I agreed to see her for twenty minutes as that was all I could fit in. When I saw her she was absolutely fine, in fact, better than fine. All she wanted to do was tell me about the guy. At the end of the twenty minutes she told me something that I think was very stupid of her to tell me. She let me know that she told her family that she was seeing me as an excuse so she could see the guy. So not only did she knowingly avoid seeing met, but now she's using me as a lie to live her life.
With all this in mind, I still care about her, and I knew that she was worried about her results day which is today, and we both agreed to see each other because she said she would want a distraction for the day. So we agreed to see each other in the afternoon, anyway I've just received a text while typing this from her telling me that she can't see me today.
I just don't know why I bother. She might as well just tell me that she doesn't want to see me and be honest. Even better though, she could stop promising to see me when she refuses to keep them.
I guess I've just been feeling lonely and let down recently because of this.
Monday, 4 August 2014
positivity
It's difficult to remain positive all the time. Well, I think that anyone who claims to is lying. We all have times when we just feel so hopeless because something big has gone wrong, so at some point we will all have a negative attitude towards the world.
The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.
I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.
I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.
One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.
My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.
I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.
The fluctuation of our perspectives of the world is only natural as external influences often have impacts on our outlook. Some people find it easier to remain positive through difficult situations, whereas others don't.
I'd like to think of myself as someone who remains positive through a lot, and I guess I do, but I really struggle with negativity sometimes. When something bad happens, it feels like I've just come from the top of the tallest mountain and dropped right to the bottom and I hit every rock on the way. I feel hopeless. I think my outlook on life and my emotional changes are amplified by my mental illnesses. I know that I cannot use to justify my behaviour, but it's just something I'm aware of.
I often find myself going from being extremely positive and feeling happy about everything and anything, to feeling so let down by myself and the world that I honestly don't know why I bother going on, in a matter of minutes. I really struggle with this sometimes, as I get little to no warning that this is going to happen, and I often take it out on others through anger- and this is something I really hate. I'm not physically aggressive, but I do become verbally aggressive sometimes and I really do dislike about myself. Living with anger issues is something that I am learning to cope with, however I don't think I will every fully be able to control myself.
One of the reasons I am continuing with my recovery is to gain more self control. I want self control to be able to keep myself more positive and try to fight off angry emotional outbursts. I know that it will be difficult, but it's something that I am aiming towards.
My close friends and family are mostly aware of my difficulties with my outlook on life changing very frequently and my anger issues, however some don't fully understand yet and choose to try to make me feel bad for what I'm thinking. I'm aware that sometimes I do over react, and I accept the blame for that, but there are times when something as simple as one of them listening to me would help. I think some of the lack of understanding comes from an underexposure to my outlook changes and anger outbursts, as I try to avoid getting out of control around people. This means that when I do lose control and get angry at someone for example, they will tell me that I'm being rude, which of course I am, but that is not what I would have intended to do.
I hope that one day I will be able to almost completely control myself so that I can be less hurtful towards people. Hard work and dedication will pay off in the future.
Saturday, 2 August 2014
last night
I've struggled for my entire life with mental illnesses, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I have noticed a change. I began to see things, and think things that I didn't want to think or see. They weren't right. I haven't actually told many people about the specifics of each situation, because I just find it far too hard to talk about. I've told two or three people, and I've had mixed reactions.
I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.
I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.
That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.
Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.
Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.
I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.
I think I realised that this was a problem when I began to black out. I didn't pass out, but my awareness of reality had completely disappeared and I was no longer in control of myself. I hadn't taken anything that could have impacted my consciousness or awareness, so this was all down to myself.
I got curious about what was happening, and I could often predict when it could happen again, so one night I set my phone to record what I was saying. The next morning, I listened to the recording, and I remember getting just a few minutes in and deleting it. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was saying things that I had no recollection of saying, and I could hear myself moving around, but to the best of my knowledge, I thought I had remained still.
That was about a year and a half or two years ago, and since that, things have only got worse. In the last year I've started to see things. These things have not been pleasant, and I would never wish for anyone to see them, but once it's happening I just have to wait for it to stop. Sometimes I only see the things when my eyes are open, but sometimes I can still see them when my eyes are closed, so there's no escape.
Even more recently, within the last nine months, I've started to think some very disturbing thoughts. They're only ever about myself, but these thoughts are not nice. I think what makes the thoughts even worse is that I feel the need to fulfill these thoughts, and when I'm not in a fully aware state of mind, due to the black outs, its so difficult for me to fight through this. An immense amount of hard work is needed to keep myself safe, and honestly, it's so difficult to get through it. I'm worried that when I'm put into a situation similar to one that I've thought of, that I will have no control over myself and that things won't end well for me. I'm terrified of this happening.
Last night I had another tough night, although I did not see anything, I thought some horrific thoughts, and these are thoughts that I'd never thought of before, so it made it far more difficult to know what to do. Once again though, I wasn't in the right situation for it to occur, but I think that if I had what I needed, it probably would have happened.
I fear myself, because I know that at times I do black out, and during these blackouts, I have very little control over myself. I know that one day, things are going to end badly for me during these blackouts, and that scares me so much.
Thursday, 31 July 2014
we are the species
We are the species of waste, the species of 'would you like a plastic bag with that', and not 'do you need it?' We're the ones who buy products that can be widely recycled, but don't even attempt to do so. We're the ones smart enough to know how things decompose over time, yet we still produce items that wouldn't biodegrade for millions of years. We're the species who claim that health is important, and then genetically modify food before drowning it in chemicals and claiming it's edible. We're the species who think that land can be owned, and will stop anyone who disagrees. We control others through laws, and place labels like 'deviant' on those that we don't like the behaviour of. We're the species that would rather spend $463 million on a building which will only ever be used for a month. We're the ones who see suffering and walk past because we're too busy to stop and help. We're the species of freedom, yet we are restrained by so many rules. We're the species of unreachable expectations, but we still expect others to reach them. We're the ones who would rather capture a memory through a lens than just enjoy it as it is and capture it in our heart and mind.
We are the species of destruction, and we can't stop ourselves.
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
hypocrisy
One thing in life that I find undeniably frustrating is when people give advice that they would never take themselves and yet they expect others to follow their completely advice. This has become a particularly popular thing for people to do on twitter which I have noticed far too often for my liking.
When scrolling through my timeline, it's very common for me to see what I call 'depression accounts' (just to give them all one simple name, however not all suffer from depression, but similar mental health illnesses). Many people with these 'depression accounts' self harm or are suicidal, and they will actively tweet about their recent self harm or the fact that they want to try to kill themselves that night. Freedom of speech, I can't stop that.
One thing that I have noticed is that these 'depression accounts' intercommunicate frequently, especially in attempts to stop others from hurting themselves. They will say 'don't cut yourself tonight', when they themselves have every intension of doing so. Some will say 'show --- that things get better' when they truly believe that things will not get better for them.
I learned a while ago that giving advice that I wouldn't take myself is useless. I didn't start my recovery by choice, but one of the factors encouraging me to keep recovering was that I didn't want to be a hypocrite anymore. I wanted to be able to say that recovery works, that I'm feeling better and that the urges had gone, and have people believe me because they can actually see that I'm telling the truth. I wanted to push myself towards recovery, even though deep inside me, I never wanted to get better. But I was sick of feeling like any advice I gave was a lie. So I had to take my own advice for once and start to get better.
When I was very bad, I remember being told by so many people that I gave 'great advice' but that I should take my own advice too. I can recall that feeling like an impossible task that I would actively refuse to do, because I thought it was too hard. Well, over a year on, I can tell you that yes it was hard, and yes it did suck, but it was worth it. My own advice helped me so much more than I could ever have imagined, and that's because I stopped being hypocritical and finally decided that I needed to practice what I preach.
Although this may sound selfish, it's important that it's done. Recovery is a highly personal journey, people can guide you along the way, but it's you who has to take each step. So focussing on yourself is crucial, even if you don't want to. Spending more time following your own good advice to help you to get better would be so much more beneficial to you than helping a thousand other people to recover.
You need to take the first few steps yourself, show that the advice works, and that you're living proof that it's a good idea. So, go on, try your hardest to find alternative coping mechanisms, write down your thoughts like you tell others to, talk to your friend to vent your frustrations, find a hobby that allows you to take your mind off things. Don't just give this good advice to others, take it yourself.
When scrolling through my timeline, it's very common for me to see what I call 'depression accounts' (just to give them all one simple name, however not all suffer from depression, but similar mental health illnesses). Many people with these 'depression accounts' self harm or are suicidal, and they will actively tweet about their recent self harm or the fact that they want to try to kill themselves that night. Freedom of speech, I can't stop that.
One thing that I have noticed is that these 'depression accounts' intercommunicate frequently, especially in attempts to stop others from hurting themselves. They will say 'don't cut yourself tonight', when they themselves have every intension of doing so. Some will say 'show --- that things get better' when they truly believe that things will not get better for them.
I learned a while ago that giving advice that I wouldn't take myself is useless. I didn't start my recovery by choice, but one of the factors encouraging me to keep recovering was that I didn't want to be a hypocrite anymore. I wanted to be able to say that recovery works, that I'm feeling better and that the urges had gone, and have people believe me because they can actually see that I'm telling the truth. I wanted to push myself towards recovery, even though deep inside me, I never wanted to get better. But I was sick of feeling like any advice I gave was a lie. So I had to take my own advice for once and start to get better.
When I was very bad, I remember being told by so many people that I gave 'great advice' but that I should take my own advice too. I can recall that feeling like an impossible task that I would actively refuse to do, because I thought it was too hard. Well, over a year on, I can tell you that yes it was hard, and yes it did suck, but it was worth it. My own advice helped me so much more than I could ever have imagined, and that's because I stopped being hypocritical and finally decided that I needed to practice what I preach.
Although this may sound selfish, it's important that it's done. Recovery is a highly personal journey, people can guide you along the way, but it's you who has to take each step. So focussing on yourself is crucial, even if you don't want to. Spending more time following your own good advice to help you to get better would be so much more beneficial to you than helping a thousand other people to recover.
You need to take the first few steps yourself, show that the advice works, and that you're living proof that it's a good idea. So, go on, try your hardest to find alternative coping mechanisms, write down your thoughts like you tell others to, talk to your friend to vent your frustrations, find a hobby that allows you to take your mind off things. Don't just give this good advice to others, take it yourself.
Sunday, 27 July 2014
persistence
When entering a password, often if we are uncertain, or when we know we have made an error, we erase the whole thing, even though we cannot see whether we actually are right or wrong. For all we know, the password could be completely correct, but we erase it and start again, trying to get it perfect the next time.
In a way, this knowledge can be used on ourselves. When things begin to go wrong, or even when it feels like things are starting to go wrong, sometimes we choose to give up. This could be with anything; a friendship, art work, or even recovery.
Things are always going to go wrong, but that doesn't mean that you can give up. It's very rare for things to be right the first time, so persistence is needed to succeed.
Relating this back to recovery; you'll have good days, and bad days. At first, there will be more bad than good, but in time, and by not giving up, you'll have more good days. Don't waste all the good work you've done just because something goes wrong. You can't make an omelette without cracking a few eggs first.
In a way, this knowledge can be used on ourselves. When things begin to go wrong, or even when it feels like things are starting to go wrong, sometimes we choose to give up. This could be with anything; a friendship, art work, or even recovery.
Things are always going to go wrong, but that doesn't mean that you can give up. It's very rare for things to be right the first time, so persistence is needed to succeed.
Relating this back to recovery; you'll have good days, and bad days. At first, there will be more bad than good, but in time, and by not giving up, you'll have more good days. Don't waste all the good work you've done just because something goes wrong. You can't make an omelette without cracking a few eggs first.
Friday, 25 July 2014
taking some time out to myself
Things have been changing for me so much recently. Honestly, I'm a bit confused about what I want from life and how I feel in general. I just know that things are getting more positive, but it's odd. I'm not used to this. I don't know why it's happening, but I'm definitely happy about it.
I have been spending more time by myself recently, not on purpose, but I really feel like it has been helping me. I feel like I've finally realised a lot of things about myself, and I really think it's about time that I did. I've spent my whole life believing one thing, only to then realise that the truth is the complete opposite.
All I know is that I will continue to grow and develop into the best person I can be. But in the mean time, I need to keep spending more time by myself, getting to know who I truly am, and becoming as self aware as I can. For that reason, there may be a lack of blog posts over the next month, but I will try to fit in one whenever I can, or whenever I have an idea of what to write.
I'm taking my personal space because I can, and because I deserve it. I'm taking care of myself first, and putting the rest of my life on hold. I deserve to get better.
I have been spending more time by myself recently, not on purpose, but I really feel like it has been helping me. I feel like I've finally realised a lot of things about myself, and I really think it's about time that I did. I've spent my whole life believing one thing, only to then realise that the truth is the complete opposite.
All I know is that I will continue to grow and develop into the best person I can be. But in the mean time, I need to keep spending more time by myself, getting to know who I truly am, and becoming as self aware as I can. For that reason, there may be a lack of blog posts over the next month, but I will try to fit in one whenever I can, or whenever I have an idea of what to write.
I'm taking my personal space because I can, and because I deserve it. I'm taking care of myself first, and putting the rest of my life on hold. I deserve to get better.
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
go and be the grass
Have you ever looked at nature and really appreciated it for how truly great it is? I'm not talking about looking upon a view in awe, or seeing something outstandingly beautiful. I'm talking about the simple things; the things that people usually look past, mainly because they are not automatically seen as the most amazing thing there is. Just by observing something as simple as grass, you can gain so much appreciation from nature.
Grass is regularly seen as just part of the background- to most people, it has no special purpose, but I think that's what makes it even more special. Grass is everywhere, well, of course not everywhere, but there is a lot of it. People play sports on it, animals feed on it, but we only ever see grass as a form of ground to walk on.
Often, grass is stepped on by people or animals, walked on by bugs, soaked by the rain or blown by the wind, but it always stands back up. With time and the right things, grass will always stand back up. Even when you cut grass, it grows back again, it takes time, but it does grow back.
Why does grass always stand up and grow back? Who is it doing it for? There's never going to be a superior blade of grass that will congratulate the others for their successes, it doesn't work like that. Grass stands up and grows again because it can. Grass isn't doing it for anyone, not even itself, it's just doing it because it can.
I understand that up until this point I may sound like I'm in love with grass, or that I've gone a little mad, but there is a message behind this. Grass stands back up and grows back because it can, and so can you.
You have the ability to get back up, and change yourself into exactly who you want to be. You just have to be willing to work for it. People may knock you down, things may go wrong in your life, your friends may abandon you, and you may feel completely hopeless, but that doesn't mean you should give up. You have the power within you to keep going. If you give up, you're just letting go of your chance to be happy.
Everyone has the ability to be happy, no matter how bad things get. It's all about how you look at things. Too many people these days let negativity cloud their view of the world. Yes, lots of things go wrong, but that doesn't mean that everything will. We've always got to hold onto the positive things in life.
The fact that you're still alive means you're doing something right. Go and be the grass, stand up and keep growing, no matter what happens. Keep going... because you can.
Grass is regularly seen as just part of the background- to most people, it has no special purpose, but I think that's what makes it even more special. Grass is everywhere, well, of course not everywhere, but there is a lot of it. People play sports on it, animals feed on it, but we only ever see grass as a form of ground to walk on.
Often, grass is stepped on by people or animals, walked on by bugs, soaked by the rain or blown by the wind, but it always stands back up. With time and the right things, grass will always stand back up. Even when you cut grass, it grows back again, it takes time, but it does grow back.
Why does grass always stand up and grow back? Who is it doing it for? There's never going to be a superior blade of grass that will congratulate the others for their successes, it doesn't work like that. Grass stands up and grows again because it can. Grass isn't doing it for anyone, not even itself, it's just doing it because it can.
I understand that up until this point I may sound like I'm in love with grass, or that I've gone a little mad, but there is a message behind this. Grass stands back up and grows back because it can, and so can you.
You have the ability to get back up, and change yourself into exactly who you want to be. You just have to be willing to work for it. People may knock you down, things may go wrong in your life, your friends may abandon you, and you may feel completely hopeless, but that doesn't mean you should give up. You have the power within you to keep going. If you give up, you're just letting go of your chance to be happy.
Everyone has the ability to be happy, no matter how bad things get. It's all about how you look at things. Too many people these days let negativity cloud their view of the world. Yes, lots of things go wrong, but that doesn't mean that everything will. We've always got to hold onto the positive things in life.
The fact that you're still alive means you're doing something right. Go and be the grass, stand up and keep growing, no matter what happens. Keep going... because you can.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
opinions
We are all unique, in a literal sense, but so many of us are just replicas of other people. A shocking number of people choose to copy others for no reason other than 'to fit in'. I know plenty of people who copy other people's clothing choices, hobbies, music tastes, and worst of all, opinions.
Everyone has their own opinions, but we all have different strengths of opinions. Some people have very strong opinions. These sorts of people will very rarely change their mind on something, no matter what. They are often seen as 'closed minded' people, and this can be an aspect of their personality that others dislike, but I believe that someone with strong opinions is better than someone with weak opinions. People with weak opinions don't truly know what they believe, or they change their opinions depending on who they're with. These people are incredibly indecisive about their personalities, and it's obvious.
The thing I love about opinions is that they're so incredibly personal, or they should be. It seems that these days only a small proportion of the population have opinions that they truly believe in. A large number of people have opinions that seem to change along with the weather, just so they can impress certain people.
Opinions are a vital part of someone's character. Whether they like or dislike something can sometimes make or break a friendship. But, an even more likely reason for a friendship to break due to differences in opinions is when someone who has opinions that constantly change is in a friendship with someone who has stronger opinions than they do. These sorts of people tend to try harder to impress others than to actually find and appreciate themselves for who they are. In a friendship, these sorts of people can actually be difficult to deal with, because you never know whether the opinion they are giving is honest or just a lie to fit in.
I've always grown up telling myself that I have opinions for a reason, and I might as well be serious about them and keep to them, and all through my life I have been known as someone who has strong opinions, and yes, this has annoyed so many people and caused so many arguments, but no one has ever had a doubt about who I am or what I believe. I prefer things to be this way. It's better to be real to yourself and those around you. Life's too short to be anyone other than exactly who you are.
Everyone has their own opinions, but we all have different strengths of opinions. Some people have very strong opinions. These sorts of people will very rarely change their mind on something, no matter what. They are often seen as 'closed minded' people, and this can be an aspect of their personality that others dislike, but I believe that someone with strong opinions is better than someone with weak opinions. People with weak opinions don't truly know what they believe, or they change their opinions depending on who they're with. These people are incredibly indecisive about their personalities, and it's obvious.
The thing I love about opinions is that they're so incredibly personal, or they should be. It seems that these days only a small proportion of the population have opinions that they truly believe in. A large number of people have opinions that seem to change along with the weather, just so they can impress certain people.
Opinions are a vital part of someone's character. Whether they like or dislike something can sometimes make or break a friendship. But, an even more likely reason for a friendship to break due to differences in opinions is when someone who has opinions that constantly change is in a friendship with someone who has stronger opinions than they do. These sorts of people tend to try harder to impress others than to actually find and appreciate themselves for who they are. In a friendship, these sorts of people can actually be difficult to deal with, because you never know whether the opinion they are giving is honest or just a lie to fit in.
I've always grown up telling myself that I have opinions for a reason, and I might as well be serious about them and keep to them, and all through my life I have been known as someone who has strong opinions, and yes, this has annoyed so many people and caused so many arguments, but no one has ever had a doubt about who I am or what I believe. I prefer things to be this way. It's better to be real to yourself and those around you. Life's too short to be anyone other than exactly who you are.
Friday, 18 July 2014
you get out what you put in
I have been told so many times during my time in education that 'you get out what you put in'. Usually the teacher is referring to studying for exams, in the hope that their students will realise that they have to work very hard to achieve the highest grade they possibly can. Some students ignore this completely and avoid studying at all costs, some people think about what the teacher has said but don't follow the subliminal advice completely, and there are some students who realise that the teacher is being completely truthful. These people will work their absolute hardest to do the best they possibly can.
I really think that what our teachers say in the build up to exams is so important. We learn about hard work and dedication. We learn to work towards a goal and try our hardest to do the best that we can. These lessons can be applied to situations other than education, to be vague, it can be applied to the rest of your life.
Imagine you are working and there is an opportunity for a promotion. Your boss has to choose who to promote- only two people are being considered for the promotion- a co-worker and you. Your co-worker is the same age as you and you have both been working for the company for the same amount of time. Your co-worker gets to work five minutes late most days, and during the day they often avoid working and would rather socialise with other workers. They leave on time most days, but days they leave a few minutes early because they've had enough. You, on the other hand, get to work on time, or five minutes early everyday without fail. You work hard during the day and keep your breaks to a necessary minimum. When you find that you are busy at work, you will often stay for longer than your shift, just to get your work finished.
Who do you think would get the promotion? You would. Now, do you think it's reasonable for the co-worker to be annoyed that they didn't get the promotion? Do you think that it's right for them to think that they should have a better chance of getting it than you? I don't think it is. Once again, you get out what you put in. If the co-worker really wanted the promotion, they should have worked hard for a long time before the option of a promotion was ever available.
Unfortunately, lots of people don't put everything they can into things, but they still expect to get the best out of it. Hard work, dedication and motivation are all needed to achieve highly in life. Next time you feel that something unfair has happened to you, try not to think of it as a negative thing. Instead, think on where you could improve. Life is about growth and development, and that means learning from mistakes.
Try to work your absolute hardest for what you want, or what you need to do, and you'll be surprised with the positive results.
I really think that what our teachers say in the build up to exams is so important. We learn about hard work and dedication. We learn to work towards a goal and try our hardest to do the best that we can. These lessons can be applied to situations other than education, to be vague, it can be applied to the rest of your life.
Imagine you are working and there is an opportunity for a promotion. Your boss has to choose who to promote- only two people are being considered for the promotion- a co-worker and you. Your co-worker is the same age as you and you have both been working for the company for the same amount of time. Your co-worker gets to work five minutes late most days, and during the day they often avoid working and would rather socialise with other workers. They leave on time most days, but days they leave a few minutes early because they've had enough. You, on the other hand, get to work on time, or five minutes early everyday without fail. You work hard during the day and keep your breaks to a necessary minimum. When you find that you are busy at work, you will often stay for longer than your shift, just to get your work finished.
Who do you think would get the promotion? You would. Now, do you think it's reasonable for the co-worker to be annoyed that they didn't get the promotion? Do you think that it's right for them to think that they should have a better chance of getting it than you? I don't think it is. Once again, you get out what you put in. If the co-worker really wanted the promotion, they should have worked hard for a long time before the option of a promotion was ever available.
Unfortunately, lots of people don't put everything they can into things, but they still expect to get the best out of it. Hard work, dedication and motivation are all needed to achieve highly in life. Next time you feel that something unfair has happened to you, try not to think of it as a negative thing. Instead, think on where you could improve. Life is about growth and development, and that means learning from mistakes.
Try to work your absolute hardest for what you want, or what you need to do, and you'll be surprised with the positive results.
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
understanding others
Self awareness if not so much a gift, but a reward. So many people believe that they are self aware, but they have no idea what sort of impact they have on others. They often wrongly estimate the positive and negative impacts that they have on people and the world. This is understandable. We are each only one person, and the perspective of others can never truly be taken into consideration because we simply cannot override our natural thought processes. We can try, but it won't happen. Other peoples' beliefs and opinions cannot become our own, there will always be a part of us that is skeptical or has an opposing opinion. This makes self awareness difficult, as we can never be truly aware of the impact that we have on others. We can only see what we see, and believe what we believe.
With this in mind, some people manage to get as close to self awareness as humanly possible- they take other people into account with most things they do. They try to understand how people will react to things- whether what they say will make someone feel happy, sad, angry, confused, the list goes on. Knowing and understanding how someone will react requires previous knowledge of their personality- so someone that is considered a friend would be a perfect candidate to test self awareness on.
Many people these days are not self aware. They speak and act without considering how they will impact others. Often they are confused by the person's reaction. They will think to themselves: I wouldn't have been upset by that, so why were they? They don't fully understand that we are all different and that their words and actions have the power to change someone's emotional state.
Being self aware, and understanding how we impact other people is incredibly tiring, and it's often a trait that a certain type of person has. The more I observe people, the more I understand how to categorise people into groups. The accuracy is often frightening. Almost every single person I speak to is placed into a category in my mind, I only place them in this category when I feel that I know enough about them to do so. Sometimes this can take five minutes, sometimes five weeks. But most of the time, I'm correct with the categorisation and with this I can completely predict someone's reactions.
This is tiring, it's a lot of effort, but the accuracy makes me want to keep doing it. One thing I have learned by categorising people is that I may be able to understand lots about others, but I will never understand as much as I would like to about myself.
With this in mind, some people manage to get as close to self awareness as humanly possible- they take other people into account with most things they do. They try to understand how people will react to things- whether what they say will make someone feel happy, sad, angry, confused, the list goes on. Knowing and understanding how someone will react requires previous knowledge of their personality- so someone that is considered a friend would be a perfect candidate to test self awareness on.
Many people these days are not self aware. They speak and act without considering how they will impact others. Often they are confused by the person's reaction. They will think to themselves: I wouldn't have been upset by that, so why were they? They don't fully understand that we are all different and that their words and actions have the power to change someone's emotional state.
Being self aware, and understanding how we impact other people is incredibly tiring, and it's often a trait that a certain type of person has. The more I observe people, the more I understand how to categorise people into groups. The accuracy is often frightening. Almost every single person I speak to is placed into a category in my mind, I only place them in this category when I feel that I know enough about them to do so. Sometimes this can take five minutes, sometimes five weeks. But most of the time, I'm correct with the categorisation and with this I can completely predict someone's reactions.
This is tiring, it's a lot of effort, but the accuracy makes me want to keep doing it. One thing I have learned by categorising people is that I may be able to understand lots about others, but I will never understand as much as I would like to about myself.
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
overcoming fears
Once again, I am very sorry for the lack of a blog post over the last few days. I have been very busy, lots of things have been changing for me over the last week, although I don't really want to discuss this publicly right now because I just don't feel that I need to. As well as being busy, I've actually been unable to make a blog post; this is partly due to an injury which has made typing a very difficult and somewhat painful task. The injury was a complete accident, and five days on, it's healing well, but I still have to avoid using the injured finger to type with, so that's slowing me down. And as well as the injury, my internet had been down for a couple of days, so that completely prevented a blog post. To put it simply, I have been completely unable to create a blog post until now.
Now that I've got that out of the way, I can explain about a fear that I have recently been trying to conquer. This fear is one that remains hidden until something happens to provoke it. It is my fear of injuries and infection of injuries. This fear only returned because five days ago I accidentally sliced off half of my fingernail. I will not share the details of it, but there was a lot of blood and if it had gone any deeper, I would have hit the bone in my finger.
As I am trained in first aid, I knew what to do straight away- apply pressure to the wound, hold it above my heart, and I also had to sit somewhere comfortable because I went into shock and nearly passed out so I needed somewhere safe to sit that I wouldn't fall and hurt myself if I did pass out.
As there was blood, I was instantly scared because I knew I had an open wound that could potentially become infected. After half an hour of holding my finger up and applying pressure to it, the bleeding had nearly stopped and I felt that it was an appropriate time to put a bandage on it. I got my parents to help me with this, as I would have needed two hands to do it. While they were bandaging up my finger, I began to cry because I was just so scared of the injury. This was the first time my parents had seen me cry in about four or five years.
Since the incident, we changed the bandages twice and each time they were changed, I cried, not because I was in pain, the injury was only painful when it happened, but I was crying because I was so scared. Both times we took the bandages off, I was scared to look, in case the wound had become infected. It hadn't at all.
Last night we planned to change the bandages again, but instead we just removed them and let air get to the wound to let it heal properly. When my parents told me that I wouldn't have another bandage put on, I panicked and began to cry. I was so scared that the air would infect it, even though I know that's silly. After I had finally calmed down, my parents spoke to me and told me that I would have to sleep without a bandage on my finger. By this point, the wound had dried up and there was little chance of it bleeding again, unless I knocked it. I was terrified that I would knock my finger during the night and that this would cause it to open the wound and bleed again, and this would somehow become infected. I got into bed and ended up crying because I was just so scared of something going wrong.
During the night, I woke up a few times, as I normally do, but as soon as I woke up, I'd turn the light on and just inspect my finger to make sure it was okay. Each time I woke up I completely panicked.
I know that this is a silly fear, and I honestly don't know where it came from or why it is so bad, but it is one that I have had to overcome. Although I haven't completely beaten it, the last few days have been a great opportunity for me to come face to face with my fear and force me to deal with it.
I have actually spent the whole day without a bandage on my finger, and it has been absolutely fine, and I am going to sleep without a bandage on again tonight. I am nervous about this, and I almost cried when I thought about it, but I think that I will be okay. I can tell that I am far more relaxed than last night, so I just hope that I will be okay, and that by the time this injury has healed, maybe I will have overcome my fear, or at least decreased its power over me.
Now that I've got that out of the way, I can explain about a fear that I have recently been trying to conquer. This fear is one that remains hidden until something happens to provoke it. It is my fear of injuries and infection of injuries. This fear only returned because five days ago I accidentally sliced off half of my fingernail. I will not share the details of it, but there was a lot of blood and if it had gone any deeper, I would have hit the bone in my finger.
As I am trained in first aid, I knew what to do straight away- apply pressure to the wound, hold it above my heart, and I also had to sit somewhere comfortable because I went into shock and nearly passed out so I needed somewhere safe to sit that I wouldn't fall and hurt myself if I did pass out.
As there was blood, I was instantly scared because I knew I had an open wound that could potentially become infected. After half an hour of holding my finger up and applying pressure to it, the bleeding had nearly stopped and I felt that it was an appropriate time to put a bandage on it. I got my parents to help me with this, as I would have needed two hands to do it. While they were bandaging up my finger, I began to cry because I was just so scared of the injury. This was the first time my parents had seen me cry in about four or five years.
Since the incident, we changed the bandages twice and each time they were changed, I cried, not because I was in pain, the injury was only painful when it happened, but I was crying because I was so scared. Both times we took the bandages off, I was scared to look, in case the wound had become infected. It hadn't at all.
Last night we planned to change the bandages again, but instead we just removed them and let air get to the wound to let it heal properly. When my parents told me that I wouldn't have another bandage put on, I panicked and began to cry. I was so scared that the air would infect it, even though I know that's silly. After I had finally calmed down, my parents spoke to me and told me that I would have to sleep without a bandage on my finger. By this point, the wound had dried up and there was little chance of it bleeding again, unless I knocked it. I was terrified that I would knock my finger during the night and that this would cause it to open the wound and bleed again, and this would somehow become infected. I got into bed and ended up crying because I was just so scared of something going wrong.
During the night, I woke up a few times, as I normally do, but as soon as I woke up, I'd turn the light on and just inspect my finger to make sure it was okay. Each time I woke up I completely panicked.
I know that this is a silly fear, and I honestly don't know where it came from or why it is so bad, but it is one that I have had to overcome. Although I haven't completely beaten it, the last few days have been a great opportunity for me to come face to face with my fear and force me to deal with it.
I have actually spent the whole day without a bandage on my finger, and it has been absolutely fine, and I am going to sleep without a bandage on again tonight. I am nervous about this, and I almost cried when I thought about it, but I think that I will be okay. I can tell that I am far more relaxed than last night, so I just hope that I will be okay, and that by the time this injury has healed, maybe I will have overcome my fear, or at least decreased its power over me.
Monday, 7 July 2014
problems solvers are people too
We have all met someone who seems to be able to solve any problem they are faced with, and they are particularly good at giving advice, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they enjoy helping others. By being surrounded with problems to solve and the pain of others, they can actually be brought down, and ultimately feel as though it is their duty to help anyone and everyone, even if they are suffering greatly themselves. They may not want to help people, but so many people are constantly relying on them.
These people are only human and they shouldn't be expected to solve everyone else's problems. It's not right for people to go to them and ask for help, even after they have clearly stated that they are unable or unwilling to offer help to others. They are doing this for their own well being, because too much pressure will slowly destroy them, not just to be harsh to those around them- that's the last thing they want.
Respect should be given to these people. They should be asked how they are doing and whether they are able to help anyone before a request for help is made. When people don't ask either of these questions and simply demand help, they can often get confrontational when help is not given, even though the person is only saying no for their own well being.
The same care and respect should be given to everyone, but those who are seen by others as 'problem solvers' often require slightly more care, as their help can be taken for granted, which is unfair on them.
These people are only human and they shouldn't be expected to solve everyone else's problems. It's not right for people to go to them and ask for help, even after they have clearly stated that they are unable or unwilling to offer help to others. They are doing this for their own well being, because too much pressure will slowly destroy them, not just to be harsh to those around them- that's the last thing they want.
Respect should be given to these people. They should be asked how they are doing and whether they are able to help anyone before a request for help is made. When people don't ask either of these questions and simply demand help, they can often get confrontational when help is not given, even though the person is only saying no for their own well being.
The same care and respect should be given to everyone, but those who are seen by others as 'problem solvers' often require slightly more care, as their help can be taken for granted, which is unfair on them.
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