how I coped with people finding out

I think that most people with a mental illness fear it being discovered to others, at least to some extent. This is mainly due to the stigma that can be attached    to some mental illnesses. I wasn't really afraid of people finding out about my mental illnesses because I've lived with them for most of my life so it's just a part of me, I just didn't want someone to find out and use it against me.

This blog post was requested by someone via twitter. They asked me to discuss what I did when people found out about my self harm. I decided to also speak a bit about what I did when people found out about my mental illnesses. 

I'm an honest and open person, when you ask the right questions. I don't often give away unrequested information about myself, and everyone who is close to me knows this well. It's not that I want people to ask, it's just that I don't feel that certain things need to be discussed unless prompted. For this reason I was actually quite open about my self harm. I kept it to myself for a long time, but after a few years, my friends started to ask me questions about why I would always cover certain parts of my body and why I'd always have to have 'time to myself'. Even though I didn't particularly want to, I told my friends about what I was doing and explained my reasons. I had mixed reactions from friends about it, some (to my suprise) understood as they had gone through it before, but I'd never known because we never spoke about it, and others said it was stupid and that I shouldn't do it. This didn't really bother me because that was their opinion and I respect that. They weren't rude to me about it, but they just didn't really want to know about it. 

I remember a couple of years ago at school I went to the bathroom and my friends were going to come with me because it was lunch time and they were bored. I asked them not to. So I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a while. I had planned to do something but then I heard the door open, I saw two people walk in but they weren't speaking. I knew it was them so I had to just walk out as if I'd been using the toilet and act suprised to see them. But they saw right through this act and asked me what I was doing. I got angry, not so much at them, but at myself for not being able to hide the fact that I was feeling really bad. They kept asking me questions and when they finally let me get a word in, I explained what was happening. They were shocked, but they asked to see what I was talking about, so I showed them, just because I knew they'd end up seeing them anyway when we got changed for PE. From that point onwards they both watched out for me a bit more, making sure I was okay on days when I didn't seem so happy. Although I didn't want them to find out, it actually helped me to feel a lot more relaxed at school.

Sadly things didn't continue so well at school and soon enough it had become a rumour that I was self harming. At first I didn't like the thought of everyone knowing,  I decided to hide everything a lot more. But that just wasn't working out for me, so I began to stop covering things up. I got some stares in lessons, particularly from the people who had been spreading the rumours, but strangely enough my open attitude towards it all seemed to stop the rumours. I had a couple of people speak to me in lessons, asking why I did it, trying to understand my reasons. A couple of people asked to speak to me privately and they told me that they'd had friends who had self harmed before and that they wanted to try to help me. I really appreciated their offers but at the time I didn't really want to stop. 

I never showed off my self harm for attention, and everyone knew that. People knew that I felt comfortable dressing in a certain way which included wearing short sleeve tops. And I would never have my self harm on open display- I'd just treat it as if it wasnt there and so I'd actually end up hiding it through standing or sitting in certain positions. Of course, the people at school didn't see all of my self harm because most of it was hidden under other clothes, but the ones that were easily visible, they saw. 

After a couple of months I started to get some negative reactions from some people who really hated me, and they were actually the reason that I stopped self harming to begin with. I thought that if I let the self harm heal and prove to them that I didn't need it that they would leave me alone. It didn't work, but I had to continue to keep clean, just so they couldn't use it against me. That's why I stopped self harming, and the threat of them using it against me again continued for many more months, which forced me to keep clean all that time- after about five months though it got easier and I decided to do it for myself. 

The people at that school found out about a couple of my mental illnesses at the same time as they found out about my self harm as this information was spread around with the rumours of my self harm. None of them knew about all of them, just two of them. I wasn't happy about people finding out because I was expecting people to use it against me, but no one ever did. It was odd. No one really mentioned anything about it to me, I guess people were just too afraid to ask.

I'm now no longer at that school and I don't even want to think about how the rumours may have progressed, but those rumours mean nothing to me because I know I'm recovering.

Telling my friends outside school about my self harm was a lot easier because they all knew me so well. I felt that I could really be honest with them. I told them about it one day a couple of years ago during the summer, and they were very helpful to me, and still are.

It was a bit more complicated telling my best friend. He found out in the worst way possible.. I don't really want to say too much about this, because it's not something that I feel the need to share, so I'll just say, I regret the way he found out about it. I now very rarely discuss the topic with him. 

Finallly, my parents. It was very difficult to tell them about my mental illnesses and depression. I got my friend to help me write a letter to them explaining everything. I gave it to them. They said they expected one of the mental illnesses, as I was at a genetic disposition to develop depression, and they knew that I had been bullied so it was really a matter of time. They didn't expect the other mental illnesses though, and weren't sure whether I self harmed or not. I didn't like telling them because I knew that at some point they would use this information against me, but I needed help and I didn't know how to get it, so I needed them to know. Sadly my parents did use this information against me at many times, but I'd expected them to so I'd been able to prepare myself for it. 

I'm glad that I've told my friends and family about my self harm and mental illnesses. By telling them about it, although I didn't like it at the time, it's actually helped me a lot. My friends in particular have been there for me no matter what, and because they knew what was going on for me, they could help me, and I could talk to them openly and honestly about it. As mentioned before, a couple of my close friends thought that all of it was silly for me to have and do, so I never mentioned it to them again, however a couple of times since finding out, they've just asked me how I've been getting on with everything. It really meant a lot that they asked, because I knew how much they didn't want to hear about it, but they cared more about my wellbeing. 

I think the fact that I was willing to be so open and honest about everything (when prompted) really helped me out, because my friends who have no expereince with mental illness or self harm sometimes come to me for advice on how to help another friend. My friends and family all know that I haven't self harmed in a long time, so we don't discuss it anymore. We treat it as something that is in the past, and I like it that way. I occasionally speak to one of my friends about my self harm when the urges return, but it's mainly a way of just venting out my emotions, and she knows that I won't do it again. 

my next step in mental recovery

For those of you who don't know, I hate having baths. I completely detest the whole experience. I'm not a huge fan of showers either but it gets everything over and done with more quickly. I hate having baths for various reasons. Partly body and self confidence issues, but partly for a reason that I don't think I've shared with anyone. 

As many of you are aware, I used to self harm. It's been nearly a year since the last time I harmed myself, and you'd never know if you quickly looked at my body. My scars have faded, mostly. When I have baths my scars show up again. I don't know whether it's to do with the warm water surrounding me or anything, but every time I have a bath my scars show up. They're not that obvious- if I forget about them, which I often do, I would never notice them. It's just when I'm thinking about things and I remember them, then I look down and there they are. 

Seeing my scars brings back the past and reminds me of when I created them. I don't remember every time I hurt myself because there were sadly just too many times that I did it, and too many times when I was not fully aware of my actions. But a few of them, I remember as if I did them yesterday. I could tell you why I did them, when, where I was, what I did it with. I could tell you what I was thinking and what I did afterwards. I never speak of these things though because they're memories that I do not feel the need to share. But when I see my scars, everything comes back to me.

I'm very happy that my body heals quickly and that my scars have faded over the months, but I guess that what's left will never truly fade away. Just like the memories. 

Anyway, I had a bath today, as I occasionally have to so I can relax my muscles after running frequently, to prevent aching. And I forgot about my scars, until I looked down and saw them. I spent a few minutes just inspecting them. Remembering what had happened, and then I began to think. These scars are with me for life, of course they have faded, but they will always be there. I hurt myself, I chose to do this to myself and I am now having to live with the consequences. I continued to think and it felt like I'd finally realised something, something that I'd been hoping to realise for a long time, but never did. 

I realised that I don't want to self harm ever again.

Some of you may say that I've said this before, and that I've made a promise never to self harm again (which I've kept to very well, and I intend to maintain this), but this is the first time that I've really thought about my actions and their consequences. During black outs, I did lose control, but as I recover I am learning how to get out of those black outs and get back in control of everything. My black outs are decreasing in frequency and I am now able to (somehow) get myself out of them with more ease. But when I am completely conscious, I definitely have full control over my actions.

Now that I have learned that my actions have consequences, through my own experiences, I now understand just how important it is to cope with my problems with healthy methods. This is why I will continue with my running. If I'm going to use something to deal with my problems, I might as well try to become talented at it. 

you are powerful beyond belief

Look at yourself. Really, look at yourself. You're human. You've grown from just a few cells into what you are now. You've got hands to feel, feet to walk and a mind to think. You are constantly changing, growing, developing into your future self. But, something that's amazing is that you can decide who you will be.

Deciding isn't enough though, if you want it you're going to have to go and get it. There's no point sitting around wishing that things would be exactly how you want them because you need to get up and work for it yourself. It's an uphill struggle and no one is going to be able to help you all the way. Of course, people can give you little nudges in the right direction every now and then but ultimately it's down to you. It's you that tells your feet to move, it's you who tells you to keep going and its also you who lets yourself give up. Don't do that.

A dream is only a dream if you don't do anything to try to achieve it. A dream becomes reality when you decide that you will achieve it. We all know it wont be easy, but if it was easy, everyone would do it. Too many people let their dreams pass them by because they just don't want to put in the effort. It's going to be tiring, you're going to want to give up but you will never grow if you remain in your comfort zone.

All these ideas of things you want to say, places you want to visit, dreams that you want to achieve, they're only going to be little wishes in your head unless you do something to achieve them.

This is your life, you can make the choices, and its up to you what you do with it. If you want to write a book then go ahead and start writing it, because you can always change it later if you don't like what you've written now. If you want to climb a mountain then start working on your fitness and soon you'll be able to do it. If you want to go and help people in need of it then be prepared to take some time away from what you're doing now to be able to help them.

No one ever achieved greatness by being average, but ultimately no one is average. We all have unique strengths and abilities, some of us just never find them because we don't explore life enough. Greatness is within all of us, we just have to find what it is that we are so great at.

If you want something badly enough, you've got to go out and fight for it, work day and night for it, because this dream can become your reality if you really want it to.

You are what you believe. No one else can change you. No matter what anyone thinks about you, no matter what anyone believes about you, it can't change who you are. The only person who can change you is you.

So go ahead, live your life and I mean really live it. Take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. But most importantly, don't let those dreams slip away from you and become regrets of missed opportunities.

knowing when to bring up the past

The past is often a delicate subject for someone who is recovering from a lifetime of mental illnesses and bad experiences, such as me. It can be very difficult to speak about, or even think of the past. It's important to know when it is the right time to think things through properly.

Sometimes we don't get a choice of when to think about the past. We are reminded of it by someone talking about it, or just a memory passing through our minds which sadly remains with us for longer than we want. This is all natural, not nice at all, but natural.

It's impossible for someone to completely undersrand your situation because you will handle it in a way that no one else would, we're all different. But, sometimes that difference can be the cause of unwanted pain. Someone may ask a question about your past or discuss a memory that you don't feel ready to think about. But once it's in your head, it's there for a little while and you can't push it away. This is why it's important for people to know when it is the right time to bring up the past. All they need to do is just simply ask for permission to bring up a topic way may possibly be sensitive. If the person declines then you need to respect that. They will allow you to talk to them about it when they are ready.

It's important to know when you can handle certain things and to not push yourself too far. Bad memories are tough, but eventually need to be dealt with, however you must only do this when you are ready. 

I've experienced many tough situations where someone simply didn't think that something may impact me so much and they brought it up as if it was a general conversation topic, and this breaks me for a little while. All I ask is that people respect others that are struggling, and don't do anything when they are not comfortable with it. 

natural emotions

Everyone has a right to be happy, sad, upset, angry, you name it, you're allowed to experience it. We have emotions for a reason, and it's best to work with them, not against them.

However, no matter what emotions you may be experiencing, there is never any use in being mean, rude or aggressive. Your emotions are your emotions and should not be unfairly pushed onto others.

Just be careful about how you speak to people. I know I am not perfect and that I often express things in a way which I wouldn't want someone to do to me, but I'm learning, and I guess that learning about ourselves is one of the most important things about having emotions.

falling back into old ways

I've been lying to myself, trying to protect myself, but I can't do it anymore. I can't lie to anyone. I'm getting bad again. I've been getting bad for a couple of months now, but I've been trying to push it away. Covering up everything with a mask of positivity that I actually started to believe. 

Honestly, I don't know what's going on. I feel like this could be explained as being just a bump in the road to recovery, but it's not a bump, I'm climbing a mountain with my bare hands. 

I feel empty, alone, lost. I'm exhausted from pretending. During the day I try to force myself to be happy and positive. I don't know whether it's for me or for everyone else, but it's happening. And every night, I crash and burn. 

A couple of my friends have tried to find out what's happened that makes my mood drop so suddenly, the only explanation I've been able to offer is 'I've run out of things to be happy about' and the worst part is, that's the most accurate thing I can say to describe it. I can only numb myself for so long and then the pain comes back and engulfs me.

Last night I spent much of the night crying on and off at nothing. I don't even remember falling asleep which is often a sign that I've blacked out. When I woke up, I was numb for about a minute and then everything came back to me. I had to fight so hard to control myself and stop the tears. I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I nearly couldn't stop myself. Before leaving for college things got worse. I had a strong urge to self harm. It has been 329 days since I last did it, so there was no way I was letting the thoughts win.

I left for college and listened to music. I walked across the bridge, no thoughts. I think that was the first time that I've been bad and not seen things. Usually I see things on my body, see the things that I want to do, and I can't escape the visions. But not today. I was safe from that agony.

I guess, although things are bad, there's always something I can look at and feel a bit positive about.  

why I am so difficult to help

I've grown up to be a strong minded person, I guess I've learned exactly how to grow from situations; I let them make me stronger, not weaker.

The only thing is, I will only let things impact me when I'm ready. I have to first understand the situation. If I don't understand the situation, the chance of it hurting me is quite high. This is where the supression comes in. I supress memories, not by choice, it just happens. I've been told that it's my mind's way of protecting me from a situation until I am ready to deal with it, but I personally see it as a form of torture.

Lost of people have told me that they would like to forget bad memories like I do, but I can't help but believe that if they experienced what I do, they wouldn't be saying that. It's not fun to forget entire sections of your life. Of course, it makes things easier in the short term, but sooner or later the memories come back. When the memories come back, there's nothing that anyone can do. 

It's like I've been put into a box, just big enough for me to sit with my knees up to my chest. The box is black except for one wall. On this wall there is a projection, a short video of the memory. It's on replay. I can try to turn away, but the projection changes which wall it is on to follow me around. Closing my eyes doesn't do much, because thats when I can hear it and feel it. I can try to cry, but nothing comes out except the occasional heavy tear that quickly falls from my face and then disappears into the darkness. 

I'm usually trapped in this box for between three hours and three weeks. Although I am not litterally trapped inside a box, I do see a projection of the memory, I do hear it and feel it when I try to visually block it. The only differene is that the 'box' is everything that surrounds me, whether it's my bedroom, a classroom or just nature. During this time of being trapped in the 'box', I find it exceptionally difficult to even begin to explain what's going on for me. I try, but no one ever knows what to say, so I end up feeling like I'm crazy and keep it all to myself. 

By keeping things to myself, no one really knows what's going on for me, so it actually makes it so difficult to help me. Even when people ask for more information of what's going on, I tend to avoid giving away anything. I know that if I talk about the memories, I'll know they are real..

I've really lost where I'm going with this. It just feels like reading through my thoughts as they come to my mind. I never really explained what I wanted to in this post. I'm sorry.

inescapable thoughts

I'd love to be able to say that recovery has been easy, and that all my bad thoughts have disappeared, but I'd be lying. The thoughts, the memories, they're still there. Usually I can control them, but sometimes it just gets too much. 

Possible trigger warning..

A few days ago I was walking home from college on my own. I have to walk over a bridge which is over a river. Usually this doesn't bother me, it used to, but I can normally get myself over it without any thoughts. However, the other day, as I took my first step onto the bridge, all the thoughts came back. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to jump. I was seeing things again, I had visions of my putting my bag down and just jumping in one swift, unstoppable move... As I walked along the bridge, I kept very close to the edge and just watched the water to assess its depth. It was perfect. There was no one around. I started to walk even more slowly, preparing for what I was about to do. It was at that moment that a cyclist came up behind me and snapped me out of the trance. I realised that that day was not the day and that I needed to get home. 

While walking I texted my friend, asking if she would be willing to see me and she agreed, she still has no idea how much just agreeing to see me helped me.

As I continued to walk home, I started to see something else. I looked down at my arms and legs and they were covered in blood, dripping it onto the floor. I knew that going home with that vision in my head would be a complete disaster. I texted my friend asking how long until she would be ready, she said about fifteen minutes. I was going to be home in five.

I got home, no one was in, I had no one to distract me. 

This was when I finally came back to reality and realised that I couldn't hurt myself. I had a friend who was willing to see me in just a few minutes so I had to keep myself safe for just that amount of time. I made some food and silently ate it as I waited for my phone to buzz telling me that I could go to the safety of my friend's house.

I narrowly escaped doing something I would regret. If that cyclist didn't go past, and if my friend didn't agree to see me, I think the possibility of me being able to say that I didn't do anything would be very slim.

I never actually told anyone what had happened, I didn't want anyone to worry that I was getting bad again. But now I just needed to open up about it... Although I am recovering, I still struggle.

six months

Six months ago I made a life changing decision. It wasn't easy and, if I'm honest, I didn't completely want to. But I knew it needed to be done. 

Half a year ago, I started my recovery. It was a huge step forwards for me but it wasn't easy. Before finally deciding to start it, I had been considering it for a long time but I knew I wasn't ready. When I eventually did start my recovery, I still didn't feel ready but I knew it needed to be done. I couldn't go on living the way I was. I needed to change and to fix myself if I wanted to survive and be happy. 

To say that recovery has been easy so far would be a complete lie. I've been so low during the last six months that I honestly didn't think I'd ever get back up. But each and every time I managed to get back on my feet once again. 

I've used the success of my eating disorder recovery to motivate me to keep trying. I started my eating disorder recovery a few months before I started to recover from everything else and I've shown myself it's possible to recover from that, so that keeps me going. 

I have supportive friends who are there when I need them and who understand what I'm going through because I've told them everything. I told them because I needed them to know what was going on and what the reasons behind some of my behaviours were. They used to be concerned but now we don't even talk about it because they trust that I'm doing okay, and that if I'm not, I'll speak to them. I'm very thankful that they're there for me and that they've noticed a clear difference in how I've been in the last six months. 

There have been times when I've wanted to give up, as lots of people already know. But no matter how close I've been to completely giving up, I still kept going. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. 

To anyone considering recovery, I really suggest that you give it a try. But give it a good try. Try it for at least three months. Three months may seem like a long time but things won't get better over time so you need to be willing to try if in the long term. 

If I've learned anything over the last six months, it's that you need to learn to believe in yourself because you are so much stronger than you could ever imagine, and that taking care of your body and mind is one of the most important things you can do in life. You only get one body and one mind, so treat them well. 

achievement

On Sunday I reached a goal, something which I honestly never thought I would achieve. I got to 250 days clean from self harm. 

I've been harming myself in so many different ways for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of me harming myself, how fun. It's just something I've always done. I never realised it was self harm until a few years ago, but now when I think back to what I used to do, I recognise that it is self harm, but what shocks me is that no one noticed, and if they did, they only saw it happen once or twice. I guess I was always good at hiding it, even from the age of four. 

With that in mind, I'm sure you can understand why keeping clean from self harm is a very difficult task for me. It's something I've always been able to do. So during those 250 days I had to learn to cope in different ways. 

The first five or so months were awful, I really struggled to get through them and I was very close to giving up many times. 

Lots of people speak to me and ask me how I've done it, and I don't know how I have. Most of the people who ask me only started self harming within the last year or two and I can't help but believe that it would be easier for them to stop than for me as they have known life before self harm and I have not. I know that some things are easy for some but difficult for others. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can do it, anyone can. 

the bystander effect

'Help me'

If somebody said this to you, would you help them, or would you turn away and pretend you didn't hear them? Would you message them or would you scroll past and ignore them? 

Psychology and many studies have shown that you would ignore someone in need of your help. It can be through the diffusion of responsibility, where you believe that someone else will do something to help that person, or it can be through pluralistic ignorance, when you think 'if no one is helping then why should I?'

But when is this ever okay? Someone is very clearly in need of your help and you're happy to just let them suffer? Put yourself in their situation, then act. 

sympathy

What use does sympathy have? It's not going to help to solve the problem. If anything, it's delaying the process of solving it. So why do we give sympathy to those who crave it?

Sometimes it's because we don't know what to say, but sometimes it's because we know they won't listen to any advice we give them, so, by giving them what they want it'll keep them happy for a little bit. 

But, in the long term, sympathy won't help. That's why I'm quite harsh when it comes to giving sympathy. It's a rare event for me to be sympathetic towards others. This isn't because I'm a horrible person, it's because I'm realistic and I would rather help someone get through what's going wrong than heartlessly repeat the basic sympathetic lines such as 'oh that's awful'. Well of course it's awful, otherwise the person wouldn't be crying out for help. 

So why not try to help them instead of stating the obvious? 

relaxation

We all need to take some time out to ourselves, to rest and recover both mentally and physically. A key way of doing this is relaxing. 

People often overlook the power of relaxation, believing that it won't help them. But you'll never know whether something will help you or not if you don't try it for long enough. 

ups and downs

Life is full of ups and downs, some so extreme that we find it difficult to handle. Over the last month I have been dealing with a very deep relapse into my depression, that's why I haven't been posting on here. However, over the last couple of weeks I've been fighting back and controlling it. I'm now feeling happier than I have in years. 

I guess this is just an update post, but I am hoping to post more regularly in the near future. 

new year

This isn't going to be a typical 'new year' post. I'm not going to feed you positivity about the future, but I will explain why I'm hopeful for my future. 

Last year was one of the worst years of my life. So many bad things had happened or been done to me and my mental health hit an all time low. I saw no reason to go on for the majority of the time. I tried to destroy myself both on the inside and the outside. I had no control over what I did. My mind would take over and I would black out and have no idea what I was doing. I did things to myself, to others, without even realising and I couldn't take it back. 

I've been hated by everyone around me, had websites set up for the sole purpose of someone being able to express their hate to me. I've been threatened countless times. I've lost control over my eating, self harm, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, anxiety.. everything.

I wouldn't leave the house for much of last year, except to go to school where I would feel so alone as I contemplated how I would end my life every single minute I was there. 

I have now been trying to recover for almost four months and it has been tough, but it's helping. I'm away from some of my triggers and I'm learning to handle the others. But the thoughts continue inside my head and I have no control over them. But everything else has been very slowly improving. So that is why I'm hopeful for this year. If things continue to slowly improve then this year may be the year that I begin to experience true happiness... I've been waiting for that for my whole life. Surely this year will be the year.