inescapable thoughts

I'd love to be able to say that recovery has been easy, and that all my bad thoughts have disappeared, but I'd be lying. The thoughts, the memories, they're still there. Usually I can control them, but sometimes it just gets too much. 

Possible trigger warning..

A few days ago I was walking home from college on my own. I have to walk over a bridge which is over a river. Usually this doesn't bother me, it used to, but I can normally get myself over it without any thoughts. However, the other day, as I took my first step onto the bridge, all the thoughts came back. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to jump. I was seeing things again, I had visions of my putting my bag down and just jumping in one swift, unstoppable move... As I walked along the bridge, I kept very close to the edge and just watched the water to assess its depth. It was perfect. There was no one around. I started to walk even more slowly, preparing for what I was about to do. It was at that moment that a cyclist came up behind me and snapped me out of the trance. I realised that that day was not the day and that I needed to get home. 

While walking I texted my friend, asking if she would be willing to see me and she agreed, she still has no idea how much just agreeing to see me helped me.

As I continued to walk home, I started to see something else. I looked down at my arms and legs and they were covered in blood, dripping it onto the floor. I knew that going home with that vision in my head would be a complete disaster. I texted my friend asking how long until she would be ready, she said about fifteen minutes. I was going to be home in five.

I got home, no one was in, I had no one to distract me. 

This was when I finally came back to reality and realised that I couldn't hurt myself. I had a friend who was willing to see me in just a few minutes so I had to keep myself safe for just that amount of time. I made some food and silently ate it as I waited for my phone to buzz telling me that I could go to the safety of my friend's house.

I narrowly escaped doing something I would regret. If that cyclist didn't go past, and if my friend didn't agree to see me, I think the possibility of me being able to say that I didn't do anything would be very slim.

I never actually told anyone what had happened, I didn't want anyone to worry that I was getting bad again. But now I just needed to open up about it... Although I am recovering, I still struggle.