guess who's back

It has been roughly six months since I last posted anything on this blog, and there have been a couple of reasons for that. My last post was written on my least favourite day of the year and since then I just hadn't even bothered preparing a post for anytime in the future.

One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I really did want to get better. This blog, at the time, felt like me simply venting about my struggles and not showing any positive progress, but after looking back quickly through my posts I can see that I had been tracking some positive progress.

So, another one of the reasons I stopped posting was because I wanted to actually get better. The last few months have been focussed on me improving my mental well being, focussing on college and completing my exams successfully.

Since last posting, I have hit one significant milestone in my recovery. Ten days ago, I was exactly two years clean of self harm, and on that day I completely got rid of all my tools which I had previously used to self harm. As of that day, I have considered myself completely recovered from self harm, because even if I have an urge to do it again, I have shown that I am strong enough to fight through it, so for that reason, I know I won't do it again, and so I believe that I have recovered from it.

Along with that success, I have also been feeling very happy in general. It almost feels like I have made a choice to be happy, and I haven't had an issue keeping this way.

Finally, I have been successful at college, achieving an award for being the best in my year in Sociology (my favourite subject!). My exams also went quite well too, I've just got to wait until results day to find out how I actually did.


This post is serving simply as an update, and I will return to real blogging soon, but until then, if you wish to contact me, leave a comment or message me on twitter!

25th december when not celebrating

I decided to write this blog post because I think that it can give people an alternative perspective of the 25th December. I was raised as a Christian and so I celebrated Christmas for most of my life, however four years ago I decided that I did not want to celebrate Christmas anymore for various reasons that I will explain soon, but my family refused to accept that I didn't want to celebrate it and forced me to do so. Three years ago, I made my choice and from then onwards, I have not celebrated Christmas.

I stopped celebrating Christmas for a few reasons, the main one being I do not believe that Christianity is the religion for me. Although I was raised a Christian, I do not personally believe it, but that may be because I have had bad experiences with religion. (I do understand that religion means a lot to some people, and I am not against religion at all: as long as it makes you, and others happy through your actions, I entirely approve. I just simply do not believe in a religion myself.) Another reason that I stopped celebrating Christmas is because I do not like the commercial side of it, it has been something that has frustrated me all my life. And the final reason that I do not celebrate Christmas is because when I think of it, I am simply reminded of the arguments that my family used to have every year, and I do not wish for that to return. 

Three years ago, when I stopped celebrating Christmas, it caused many 'problems' for people. Although I had informed them that I will not be giving presents and therefore do not wish to receive them, my friends and family didn't understand that I was being serious, so that year I was simply called selfish, but I had warned them all a year beforehand that I will no longer be celebrating Christmas, so I did what I could to prevent it. Two years ago, a similar thing happened but with fewer friends and family falling into the trap. And last year, only three people gave me presents. 

I remember last year quite well, there were a few arguments, but that was the norm. What I remember most specifically is how I felt after receiving only a few presents (which I had asked the people not to buy for me). I remember feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to explain to others properly that I did not wish to celebrate Christmas and therefore wished not to receive presents. I felt as if I had let myself down.

This year has been an interesting year. My friends all now understand that I am definitely not celebrating Christmas and none of them bought me any presents, but they all wished me a good day today, and I wished them one too as I know they celebrate Christmas. My family know better than anyone that I don't celebrate Christmas (they still do) but this year, we made a deal. My parents feel that they 'must' get me something for Christmas because they celebrate it and they want to give me something. So instead of fighting them, as I would have each year before, I decided to compromise. I asked for four books, which I would have bought for myself anyway, which in total cost only £12, and which I will allow any of them to read if they so wish. 

By making this deal, my family feel satisfied and good that they have given me something, and I feel satisfied that it caused no arguments. Last year I tried saying no to presents entirely but my family just bought me things that I didn't need or want. I guess they fall into the category of 'stocking fillers' as they were little cheap things that aren't useful but offer about five minutes of fun each. And as I didn't want another year of being given gifts that I didn't want simply because my family felt that they needed to give me something, I felt that the deal was a suitable one, and all of my family agree that it was a good deal to make. 

My attitude towards the 25th December has changed this year compared to previous years. I used to see it as an awful day, but this year I tried to see it as a day that others enjoy, but that I do not, and so I shouldn't ruin it for them. This year, my personal mission was to be peaceful with myself and others, and to be positive with my attitude towards the day. 

I feel that this has been the best 25th December that I can remember, because while doing my own thing, I have still been able to enjoy the day for what it is: a religious event which I do not celebrate, but which brings happiness and joy to others. 

In case any of you were curious, (and I'm doing this because I feel like it), I have made a short Q&A of today for me:

Q: Do you eat Christmas food?

A: Mostly no. I am a vegetarian so that means that I couldn't eat a lot of the food anyway. I also dislike Christmas food like roast meals, so I tend to avoid it as much as possible. But, my family celebrate Christmas so they have Christmas food. This year, I made my own food, and simply had any spare vegetables that were prepared to go along with it, and both my family and I saw that as a happy compromise. 

Q: Do your friends and family get annoyed that you don't give gifts?

A: They used to, but now they understand that it's just something that I would prefer not to do, so they no longer get annoyed, and many of them are actually thankful- they don't have to spend excess money.

Q: If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you do on 25th Dec?

A: Well, today I went for a run, and did a lot of reading. I did spend some time with my family which was actually quite nice, but I spent a lot of time on my own which I prefer.

Q: What do you say when people wish you a happy Christmas?

A: I discovered the key to responding to this. I used to just ignore people saying it to me, but this year I figured out that I should either respond with 'happy holidays' or 'I hope that you enjoy today' because that way I'm being polite, I'm responding to them, and it just makes things far more pleasant for everyone.

Q: Do you dislike Christmas music?

A: Yes. I work somewhere where for all of December, Christmas music is played, so it has (understandably) become something which I dislike. 

Q: What religion are you?

A: I do not have a religion. 

If any of you have any further questions, don't hesitate to contact me on twitter, or leave a comment after this post and I will respond to you! I hope that today has been wonderful for all of you!

person A and B

I just need to talk, get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while now, and I don't really mind if anyone listens or not because it's more important that I actually get it out of my head. I may sound very odd, and I may make people think that I'm just being weird and that's fine, but I just need to get out what I'm thinking.

I feel like I've got two people in my body or my mind. I feel like one of them is positive and thoughtful and absolutely fine, but the other is empty, miserable and angry. I'll call the positive 'person' A and the negative 'person' B to make things easier.

I feel like I've had A and B for as long as I can remember, but that B took over for much of my life. But since I started recovering, A is there far more frequently, but B still manages to visit every now and then, and I just don't know whether this is normal or not. I can be absolutely fine, and then just snap, or become really empty for no reason and it really confuses me. People who know me well will know that my emotions can change in a split second and I have little to no control over it. I know that ultimately it's my problem and something that I need to learn to cope with, but I feel like things are quite tough when I have two completely contradicting emotions fighting to be the chosen one.

I know this could be a number of things such as hormones, or it could just be a process of my recovery. All I know is that it's very confusing to have to deal with because I feel like I have little control over my reactions and emotions a lot of the time.

A and B want to do different things too. A wants to listen to positive music and do things that would make me feel happy. But B wants me to do things that would hurt me, and it's hard to know what I'm dealing with a lot.

I don't hear voices or anything, I just don't know what this is. I'm sorry that it's weird and probably makes no sense to read, but I just need to get this out of my mind.

thinking

This blog post is completely unplanned and I'm just using it to explain what I'm thinking because I feel like I need to actually say it to someone other than myself.

I feel like I am at the stage of recovery now where I think I need to start moving away from the 'recovering' mentality and more towards the 'recovered'. I mean, I've been properly recovering for 15 months now and I'm at the stage where I think that I'm getting quite close to being 'better'. I still have a long way to go, but I haven't had any self harm urges in months now (clean for 18 months), I haven't had a bad panic attack in ages, I haven't felt 'depressed' (as in how I felt when my depression was at it's worst). My mood and personality are mostly stabilized too. Plus, everyone is saying how much happier I am, and I really am feeling so much happier and positive.

For the reasons stated above, I think that I actually want to move away from 'person getting better' sort of mentality, and more towards the 'this is who I am' kind of mentality. This would mean changing many things, such as this blog, or perhaps even starting a new one. I've still got a lot to think about, but I think that I may be ready to change everything once again, so that I can be exactly who I am, and not just 'a recovering girl'.

I'm sorry that this post is brief, and that I haven't posted in a while. I've just had so much to think about recently and I have been putting off writing a blog post until I could think more clearly, and ironically I'm writing a post that is not well thought out and while I am not thinking clearly, aren't I fun.

who do I want to be?

Who do I want to be?
Surely the best me that I can be,
but that's not all...


I want to be fierce and strong,
like a lion.
I want be the one who rules my life,
like a queen.
I want to be unique, an individual, one of a kind,
like a snow flake.
I want be beautiful like a tree,
and powerful like the wind.

I want to be able to stand alone,
but still be able to stand with others.
I want to be firm, but fair,
assertive but kind.
I want to be confident,
and know exactly who I am.



My journey began long ago,
but it is now that I will decide to turn
in a new direction
which will lead me to my destination.
It's going to be a strange new route,
but I'm going to take it.

I am going to be the best me that I can be,
because I am going to find who I really am.
The person that I want to be,
is going to be the person who I really am,
I just need to uncover her
and show her to the world.

I will be the best me that I can be.

how to reduce stress

The idea behind this post is very simple, I'm just going to explain ways in which I have reduced stress for myself, particularly in an educational and work environment.

The key to reducing stress is to stop doing what makes you stressed, in theory it sounds easy but in practice it can be very difficult. If you are stressed with the amount of work you get at school, you obviously can't just stop doing work- partly because you'll get in trouble, but partly because it'll make you even more stressed when you finally start again and realise you have so much more work than you did before.

One way that I've reduced my stress levels is to make lists and timetables. Making lists is easy- I simply write down what I need to do and cross it off as I do it. Not only does this give me a physical view of what I need to do, but I can also keep track easily of what I've done and so pace myself accordingly. Making timetables is something else that has helped me. They're not always neat and don't make sense to everyone, but I write down what I need to do and give myself a time to do it from and until. So, let's say I have a few things to do, I'd write down something like:

9:00-10:00      - clean room
10:15- 11:15   - subject 1-  homework
11:20- 12:00   - subject 2-  essay
12:00- 13:00   - lunch

Obviously my timetables are not exactly like that, as they contain more details of what I have to do, and I don't always include the task end times, but hopefully you understand what I mean now. Also, it's important to include little breaks if you're doing homework- your mind needs a rest.


When I have a lot of work to do at college, I always create lists or timetables to allow me to get through what I need to do in the time that I have to do it. I'm also very good at getting work done usually on the day that it is given to me, so I think that's a huge reason as to why my stress levels can remain low through periods when I have a lot of work, so if you're the type of person who usually does work at the last minute and you get stressed about it easily, try your hardest to get it done as soon as possible. Go into the library at school or college and get an hour of work out of the way, and then that gives you an extra hour in the evening to relax.

If you're doing your work early but you're still stressed about it, speak to your teacher. It may seem scary to do this because you might think that they'll just shout at you but they will try to help you through it. They may say that you can leave one or two pieces of work until you have less work to do in your other subjects and do it then. You will most likely still have to do the work, but they may extend the due date for you. It's just important to be honest with your teachers. Doing many subjects and getting work for each one soon adds up and it can be too much for some people at certain times, so your teachers will understand if you have to focus more on one subject than another at one point in time, for example, if you have a deadline for one subject, your other teachers will be a bit more lenient with you and when you give your work in.


I do not have as much experience in a work environment as in an educational environment, but when I become stressed at work, I simply push through until I have a chance to have at least a one minute break, and then if I can, I will try to temporarily change what task I'm doing to one that means I can avoid the stress for at least a minute or two. That small amount of time to just relax a bit does help me a lot.


One thing I do know is that in order to reduce stress, you must reduce contact with what stresses you. So, if you have a friend who is adding to your stress- tell them that just for now, you need a little break from speaking to them in order to do whatever you need to do. They should understand and will be happily waiting for you to return to being able to speak to them. Also, they may notice that you're stressed and just find your easier to speak to when you're not stressed, so they may welcome you to have a little break and then feel a lot better about speaking to when you return feeling less stressed.


The final piece of advice I can give you is taking care of yourself: eating healthily, drinking water, exercising a little bit, such as going for a short walk each day, and getting enough sleep will do absolute wonders in reducing your stress levels. Along with this, you may also want to do things such as having baths at the end of a long day, lighting scented candles, watching your favourite movie or tv show and just spending the evening relaxing. This will reduce your stress as well as make you feel more prepared for the next day of life and doing whatever you need to do.



I'll just quickly share some of my 'DO's and 'DON'T's of reducing stress...


DO take time out to relax
DO speak to someone you trust and tell them that you're feeling stressed
DO put yourself first when you need to
DO keep yourself healthy through eating well, etc

DON'T get angry at yourself: the stressful situation won't last forever
DON'T try to take your stress out on yourself: physical or mental harm to yourself will only make the situation worse as it'll just add another thing to be stressed about
DON'T avoid chances to relax of just have a break: your mind and body need a rest
DON'T avoid the work you need to get done: it needs to be done at some point, don't put it off all together

donating blood

As of today, I have been withdrawn as a blood donor, after nearly passing out after my donation. I have donated blood twice, and after each time I nearly passed out. They told me that I shouldn't be donating blood if it has that impact on me, which really upset me. I had always wanted to be a blood donor because it's just a good thing to do really, plus it encourages me to remain healthy and take care of myself. I will still continue to take care of myself though because I believe it's important to do so.

Because I can no longer donate blood, I'd like to raise the option for others who are able to donate blood to do so. I believe that the rules of what age you have to be differ from country to country, so I will speak in terms of the UK blood donation system as that's the only system I have ever used.

The minimum age for blood donation in the UK is 17, and I believe that the maximum is 65, so that's a lot of time that you have to consider and possibly donate blood eventually. Although there is a huge age gap in which you can donate blood, only 4% of adults in the UK do donate blood, and considering that up to a quarter of us will require blood at least once in our lifetime, from hospitalisation after an accident, childbirth or a necessary operation. So, with only 4% of people giving blood, and 25% of us needing it at some point during our lives, there's a huge gap between who gives blood and who needs it. With red blood cells having a shelf life of about 35 days, it's obvious that blood stocks constantly have to be replenished, meaning that the more people who donate blood the better.

On average, one blood donation will help three people, through a blood transfusion, or to advance medical knowledge in which they use blood donations to test for things such as possible cures for diseases. So, although I have only donated blood twice, I could have potentially helped six people, which is just great to think.

There are some rules of giving blood, and some people who simply cannot donate blood either due to diseases, pregnancy, or certain sexual activities. While the last point can cause a angered response in some people, it important that only healthy blood is given to people who need it, and so if someone knows they have had sex with someone who could potentially have a certain sexually transmitted disease and they have received that disease, they will be unable to donate blood.

Each time you donate blood, your blood is screened before being allowed to be given to a patient. The blood is screened for the presence of HIV, hepatitis B or C and a few other viruses that will negatively impact the person receiving the blood. If your blood screening shows that you have any of the viruses they have named, you will be informed, but I do not know much about that as it has not been an issue for me.

Now time for question that most people who have never donated blood before ask: does it hurt? I always give the same response to this, it does hurt a bit, however it's not the kind of pain that lasts, it simply feels like someone is pinching the skin on the inside of your elbow quite hard for about three to five seconds. After that, I don't even feel the needle in my arm and just tend to enjoy being able to relax. I listened to music and played games on my phone during my donations so kept myself occupied and entertained so didn't feel anything at all.

Some other questions that people tend to ask are: doesn't blood make you feel sick? or, what if I don't stop bleeding? The answer to the second question is simple, the people who take blood during donations are trained and know how to stop you from bleeding, however if you don't stop bleeding they would know what to do as they are trained to deal with all sorts of situations. The first question about feeling sick around blood is slightly more difficult to answer- it depends on the person. It's well known by my friends and family that I dislike blood and feel faint when I am around it or see it, but when I donate blood, I will happily be able to look at my blood, but for some people, even walking into the blood donation room is enough to cause them to pass out.

The possible final question that you may ask is: so why did you pass out? To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure, in all honesty, I think that I just don't cope well with losing a lot of blood, because I think I go into shock from blood loss a lot more quickly than some people, but that's okay, I've done what I could, and I'm glad that I did.

I think the thing that motivated me to donate blood the most was the thought of 'if I need blood one day, I'd want someone to donate blood for me to be able to use, so I should do the same while I can'.

one great year of blogging

Exactly a year ago today, I made this blog. I don't fully remember why I made this blog, but I think it was a fantastic decision! Although this is only my 110th post, and I haven't posted daily, as the name of the blog suggests I should, I have definitely made a great decision in starting this blog!

During my time of having this blog, I have noticed that I have become far more comfortable with speaking about issues that are bothering me, things that have happened in my life, or just speaking more freely about anything really, and I think that this blog has actually been a great help in increasing my confidence.

Of course, my blog is not popular at all, and I rarely get more than just a few views per post, I'm still happy to keep it going. I'm hopeful that I will be posting more regularly, however I won't make any promises.

One thing I do love about this blog is that I can share my recovery experiences, and I have been told by a few people that reading my blog helps them a bit. The blog was really intended for me to get out emotions and just express myself, but knowing that it's helped at least one person just a little bit is wonderful!

Since enabling the comments on this blog about a month ago, I have only had two, but I'm hoping that this may increase over time, as I do love hearing what people have to say about my posts and any suggestions for possible future ones. I also like being able to reply to the comments because it's just nice to communicate with people.


This has been a year well spent, I'm so glad I made this blog!

recovery, recovering, recovered?

This was a completely unplanned blog post, but I thought that it could possibly be useful for at least one person, so I hope you enjoy reading it, and please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of it, or maybe a suggestion for a future post.



I started my recovery just over a year ago, and I didn't notice any changes or improvements for a very long time, so I felt like nothing was getting better. But I kept at it, with the hope that things would eventually get better... I'm so glad I didn't give up.

When I was at my worst, I took an online depression test to have an idea of how bad things were for me. A score of 54 or above indicated severe depression. I was at 87, and the highest possible score is 90, so you can understand that things were pretty bad for me. I was already diagnosed with severe depression at the time, and I know that the online test cannot diagnose me, I simply used it to see how I was doing.

I retook the test again today and got a score of 1. It would have been 0 if I slept like a normal person, but I spend much of the night awake or wake up very early, but I'm learning to work around this and use it to my advantage.

My score on the test left me with a simple statement saying that I 'seem to accept the ups and downs which are a part of normal everyday life', and I really think that is true. I am learning to cope more with happiness, and really enjoy it, and with sadness, and learn to work through it.


Some of you may be wondering how I was able to go from severe depression to 'depression unlikely' in a year and a bit, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure as I had been suffering with depression for a lifetime, so it wasn't an easy change, but I can guess:

• I escaped situations in which I was being hurt. For me, school was a huge problem because some people just suck, I won't go into detail. But now that I am away from them, and at college, I'm coping so much better.
• I have matured. I don't know whether this is due to me getting older, or due to me just figuring out that I have to learn to cope with things, but I have definitely matured, and so the way I deal with a negative situation is now so much better than is used to be. 
• I have removed negative influences from my life such as friends who I could never really consider to be friends. Doing this has made me feel a lot more free to be myself. 
• I now have a new focus, I'm focussing on my academic success rather than what's going wrong in my life. I am trying to make the most of the situations that I have, not feel bad about what's gone wrong. 
• But the factor that I think helped me to recover the most was my determination. I told myself I was going to recover. I told myself I wasn't going to give up. I told myself I was going to be happy, and so I have been working to achieve my goal from day one. It's not always been easy, but difficult does not mean impossible. I have changed my whole life around just so I can give myself the best opportunity to recover that I can. 

I don't consider myself to be 'recovered' yet. I still have a very long way to go, but I know that I am working in the right direction, and so I am proud of myself for what I am doing. And in case you're wondering, I feel fantastic. Instead of being shadowed by pain and mental torture, I'm now finding the light in almost everything I come into contact with. I never believed I would feel like this. But if I can get to where I am now after a lifetime to depression and other mental illnesses, anyone else can too. You just have to remind yourself what you're working for.

I'm sorry that this post has been unusual, but I just wanted to share some of my success with you all, because I think that it's important that someone is able to show people that recovery really does work, because I never had anyone to look up to when I first started. 

Have a wonderful day! 

the belief of others

Self belief is something that I have always thought is important. Self belief gives us confidence and generally makes us feel better about ourselves and what we can do. But, something what is almost equally important is the belief of the others around us. It's good to believe in yourself, but if no one else believes in you, you begin to doubt yourself, and thus start to lose self belief.

Obviously you can't force people to believe in you, as that's their decision, but you can find people who do. Your family may not believe in you, but your friends might believe in you and help you out every step of the way. The best thing to do is to listen to those who actually do believe in you, and pay less attention to those who doubt you.

What I often find works well, is doing exactly what you want while believing in yourself all the way, and allow others to watch your success and slowly but surely begin to realise that you are more capable of doing things than they ever imagined. Belief from others is similar to respect in the way it is earned. It is not automatic, but you have to prove yourself worthy of it first.


At first, I don't think anyone truly believed that I would be able to stop self harming because in the past I have failed to stop myself, even after trying really hard. I didn't believe in myself to begin with, but now, over five hundred days later, I have proved myself wrong, and shown everyone else that I am so much more capable of recovery than anyone ever imagined. Because of this, I now have people who genuinely believe I can do anything, get through anything, achieve anything, and I think my hard work against tough urges and proving myself to everyone is what has allowed people to believe in me.

I have proved myself, and now they know exactly what I can do... they truly believe in me.

feeling alone

Whenever anyone makes a change in their life, big or small, it can have an impact on them or those around them. This is something that I have noticed a lot, particularly recently, as I have been making changes in my life.

Part of growing up is finding out who you are, and we have to be wrong a few times before we figure it out. This means that we have to try all sorts of different styles, ways of behaving, and having different types of friends. These changes often highlight who an 'untrue' friend is. They're someone who will only be friends with you while you do a certain thing, dress a certain way, etc. and then will want nothing to do with you when you change.

As I have made some huge changes in my life, I have noticed that more and more people I considered friends are starting to abandon me. This is because I previously had negative friends who would spend all their time telling everyone how bad their life was, but as I am wanting to get better now, I have had to make changes and this has made them stop wanting to be friends with me.

I feel as though these changes that I am making, although very positive, are causing people to not know what's going on with me. It could be considered that, as it is a recent change, they're unaware of whether its temporary or permanent. But, this is also the time that I need their support the most.

Because of this, I have felt alone a lot over the last couple of weeks, and like I have been abandoned by people I considered to be friends. It's becoming quite tough to remain positive when I'm not entirely sure who I could call a friend anymore and who is just a memory of my past.

As time goes on, and I get more comfortable settling into my new, and far more positive, way of living, I will either regain my old friends, or make new ones entirely. I just know that I will have to keep going, and fight my way through to be the person that I want to be and not change for anyone.

changes to my twitter account

Some of you may have noticed that I have slowly been making a few changes to my twitter account. Many of the people who have noticed these changes will have noticed because I have unfollowed them, and I feel like I owe you all an explanation about what's going on.

For a couple of months, I had been considering deleting my twitter account for various reasons, but the main reason being that I didn't feel like it was benefitting me at all to have it. After thinking a lot, and asking a few people what I should do, I decided to keep my account, but change it.

Part of the change is including unfollowing everyone, and then re-following people who I am friends with, or who have positive accounts. I am doing this because there have been so many times that I have gone to have a quick look at my timeline and then I'll see something triggering or upsetting, and I have decided that enough is enough and that I need to put myself first in my recovery.

I have a few more changes lined up that I may possibly make, however I am not completely sure yet, and I will still need to think about it a lot before doing anything.

I have made major changes before (complete account change including username and what I tweet about, all without warning to anyone) and that has actually been a very good choice for me, but I feel that I am ready to make the next steps forward in my recovery.

I am still currently in the process of unfollowing people, but I have a list of people that I am going to re-follow. I hope that people will be understanding of the reasons behind my choices and continue to support me through my recovery.

lists

One way that I manage to control my anxiety is by making lists. These can be lists of things I need to do, things I need to take with me, or just lists of what are bothering me. Making lists helps my anxiety because I am able to physically see wheat I need to do, and I can cross off completed items, again giving me physical evidence of what I have or haven't done.

I tend to make one list every weekend, and that is a list of things that I need to do. This weekend was no different. I am so far up to date with what I had written on the list- and yes, the blog post was on the list, except I had planned to write it on Friday night, but didn't have time. 

I'm writing this blog post for two reasons: firstly I had no idea what to write about, but secondly I feel that others with anxiety, or who like to be organised, may benefit from trying to make lists. 

The important thing about making lists for a specific time period, like a weekend, is that you have to be realistic about what you want to achieve. You shouldn't write down loads of things and then be disappointed that you didn't get them done. Often it's best to start small- write one or two things and get them done, once you've done those things, have a rest, and then consider adding another thing to the list.

This weekend I had a list divided into three sections: Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Both Friday and Saturday had three things on each list, and they were quite big things to do, which took me a while, but Sunday only has one thing to do. That's because I have decided that Sunday will be my rest day this weekend, as I wanted to get everything I needed to do out of the way as quickly as possible. 

Lists may be a helpful tool for you, or a completely useless waste of time, but unless you try using lists a few times, you'll never know. 

a random positive post about what I personally like about education

A few days ago, I wrote a post about some flaws that I have found in the education system, and I was aware that it was a truly one sided debate with a brief conclusion given to the positive opinion, so I thought it was only right for me to give an alternative point of view from my personal experience of education.

I have had a positive education, and throughout my life I have been recognised for my academic intelligence in various subject, and this is something that I have loved. I always used to enjoy receiving extra work from teachers, simply because the work for people my age was too simple for me at the time. It's no wonder that I was the top of my class across most subjects. Along with my academic intelligence, I would bring a positive attitude towards learning to every lesson, and it is for this reason that teachers have told me that I'm a 'dream' to teach. I have always had a desire to learn and obtain new knowledge, I don't know why, but I enjoy it.

Over the last few years, I have discovered that I have an ability to retain information which is considered to be above average, and because of this, I have been able to achieve amazing exam results without revising. I only really started revising for my exams last year when I sat my AS exams, but my revision did start four days before each exam, and as you can imagine, I had a lot of information to fit in my mind as I studied four subjects. But, despite this lack of revision, I did exceptionally well in my exams, achieving very good grades, and now that I am in my second year, I am going to be taking my A levels this year, and I have been informed by two of my teachers that I am on track for an A* in their subjects.

As a result of my obvious ability to achieve high grades in exams, I have been encouraged to go to university next year, and have been told by my form tutor that I will find it 'so easy' to get the highest level of qualification possible for whatever course I choose. I have decided that I will not be going to university next year though, as I have decided that I would like a break from education for a while.

One thing I do know about education is that not everyone has it as easy as me. I am incredibly lucky to have such an ability to achieve excellent results in exams without even really trying, but I know that many people do not have the same gift as me, but as many of my friends have proved, with hard work, dedication and getting support that you need from teachers in revision, you can do very well in exams, even if you are not considered to be the brightest person. One of my friends got an E in one of her mocks last year, and she was trying her hardest to do as well as possible. Her teacher told her that if she revised extremely hard, she might scrape a pass (grade C). On results day, I was incredibly proud of her, she had put in hours and hours of revision, attended extra sessions at school, and she must have completed every past paper there ever was for that subject. She got an A in the exam, and completely shocked herself and her teacher. But she is my proof that if you work hard enough for something, you will achieve it.

I do truly believe that education is such a wonderful thing and I am so thankful that I am lucky enough to be able to enhance my knowledge in areas that I enjoy. While there are some bad aspects to education which frustrate me, I will never stop being thankful that I have a right to be educated.

my problem with being open about my life

Sometimes things happen in my life that I don't really want to talk to anyone about. These things are often unpleasant or just not nice to hear about, and for that reason I tend to avoid telling people unless I trust them. These things don't happen regularly, but when they do, and I tell someone, I will only tell them if I think they will understand how to handle it.

Occasionally my trust is misplaced, and I find myself opening up to someone who just wants to shut me up so they can focus on what they deem to be important. And this is swiftly followed by me feeling let down and usually taking some time out to myself to prevent myself from feeling worse. 

There are lots of things in my life that I have never told anyone, because I'm just not ready yet, and there are other things in my life that I have told one or two people about, because I trust them and believe it's important for them to know what's going on for me so they can understand that my behaviour may be different for a certain period of time. I tell people these things, not to ask for advice, but to make them aware of what's happened.


One thing that I don't like is when my feelings are just ignored. It takes a lot for me to open up about something, and anyone who knows me well is completely aware of this, so to have my feelings invalidated by someone merely because they don't want to hear them is hurtful to me. For my problems, issues, feelings, to be reduced to nothing by someone else is unfair, especially if I take time and effort to make sure that I listen to them and help them when they need it.

Sometimes all someone needs is for someone else to listen to them and not silence them, so that the person knows that someone out there cares. 

finding who we are

Trying to find who you are in a world full of people who will criticize you is very hard, especially now that there are so many options of who you can be, and I have noticed that people can live their entire lives not really knowing who they are.

For the first few years of our lives, who we are is controlled by our parents or those who care for us. They tell us what we can wear, what we can do, who we can be friends with, and so on. As we approach our teenage years, we slowly get more freedom to be who we want to be, but it is also at this time that peer pressure rises and people wanting to be 'cool' or 'fit in' can sometimes get in the way of them being who they really want to be.

Clearly we don't all know who we want to be instantly, and it often takes a lot of experimenting to know what kind of person we want to be, what kind of clothes we want to wear, what kind of hobbies we want to have. But to me, it seems like at the same time we should be trying all sorts of things out, we allow our peers, and sometimes the media, to condemn us to fit into a certain stereotype and dictating how we should look, behave and what we should like to do.

I know plenty of people who have become a victim of this, and feel under so much pressure just to fit in, but ultimately who is it for? It's certainly not for themselves. I think that we should all be encouraged to be ourselves more, and I know that this is the same thing that everyone says, but it's something that I truly believe in. Our identities should only be chosen by us, and we should be able to feel comfortable and happy with exactly who we are, not who we should be.

The next time you have the choice to be yourself, whether it's when wearing something, starting a new hobby, whatever, just remember that your happiness and comfort with what you are doing is far more important than what anyone thinks of it.

comments now enabled

I have decided to enable people to comment on my blog posts now if they wish to- either anonymously or not. I will admit I don't completely understand how it all works, but I thought I would give it a try, after 100 successful blog posts, I think it's about time I allowed others to comment if they wanted to.

Have an amazing day!

putting myself first

I think the last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me. This is because I have been learning to focus on myself first, and put others second. Although this may sound selfish, it's a vital step forwards in my recovery and one that I have struggled with for many years.

I always thought that putting others before myself would be better, because at least that was they would be helped. But looking back now, I can see that many people have used and abused my kind approach towards others and it makes me feel like a bit of a fool really. Obviously I haven't just stopped and become self centered overnight, but I have been making slow and stead progress towards putting myself first and looking after myself more.

Over the last month or two I have slowly but surely been getting people who are negative influences out of my life- these are people such as 'friends' who only spoke to me when they wanted something, people who never bothered to listen to me or how I was doing, and people who expected me to help them though absolutely everything regardless of whether I wanted to or not. 

Since getting some of the most negative people out of my life, I feel like I am more free. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I don't have to worry about when they next speak to me and what they were going to try to ask me to do. Of course, none of them took it well to begin with. I can understand it's not nice to be told that you're hurting someone and that they want you out of their life, however I did say it in the kindest way possible, but after the way they had all treated me, I really shouldn't have cared at all.

I'm very glad that I decided to take yet another positive step forwards in my life and focus far more on myself, because I know that I am making good progress and I can actually start to see it now. 

six months of vegetarianism

On the first of April this year, I decided that I would like to try vegetarianism once again. I had tried once before a few years ago, and struggled to complete a month, but since the start of this year, I had been trying new types of food and eating more of a variety, so for that reason I thought that I was ready to try to be a vegetarian for a while. Initially I had only planned to do it for one month, then for three, but as soon as I hit those goals, I thought I would increase it to six months and then consider what to do after that. 

I have found that since becoming a vegetarian, I eat far more healthily and generally feel a lot better about eating. I have really enjoyed it, but I have felt tempted to eat meat a few times which was difficult as I have been eating meat for my whole life and all of my friends and family eat meat, so the temptation was always there, but once I make a promise to myself, I don't tend to break it.

 

I don't think anyone believed that I could be a vegetarian for longer than a few days and I have been told by many of my friends that they didn't think I'd make it over a month. One of my friends is trying to convince me that being a vegetarian is stupid and that I should stop, which is a bit frustrating, but she is entitled to her own opinion. 

Over the next week or two, I'm going to consider what I'm going to do next; whether I'm going to continue being a vegetarian, or whether I am going to start eating meat again. And if I do eat meat again, whether it is regular or just once a week or once a month. I'm not going to make any decisions until I am completely sure, but it just gives me something to think about. 

some flaws in education

The introduction of education for all in the UK in the late nineteenth century, although a brilliant step forwards in the furthering of equality among all ethnicities, social classes and genders, does have many downsides. For example, the introduction of the national curriculum means that all subjects have a limited percentage of time that each school is allowed to spend on them, with specialist schools having slight variations on these percentages, however, they are all very similar. This is not really to ensure that we all have a similar education though, but instead it is so that schools can be compared for their results more easily, as they must attract future students. Parents can easily compare the English or Maths grades of any school and know that all students are getting a fair chance. One school may average a B for all of their English exams and another may average an A. Previously the school achieving the average of an A could spend up to half of each day in English lessons and the school achieving an average of a B may only spend a quarter of each day in English lessons. However now all schools have set percentages of time which they must spend on each lesson. This does not apply to private schools.

The national curriculum exists to ensure that we all learn the same things and therefore have equal chances of passing exams. But, a downside of the national curriculum is that some students can't even imagine the thought of of studying a subject that truly interests them until they move up to sixth form or higher education, meaning that the talents they may have been able to nurture from childhood will go unused and may fade, or the person may not even know they are talented in a specific area.

The national curriculum also limits the further knowledge we may posses. Someone may enjoy learning about the human body in Biology, but the national curriculum, and their exam board, only states that they must learn the names of organs, while they may be keen to learn about things such as blood types and how diseases impact our bodies, this further knowledge is considered useless in the grading field because if it's not on a mark scheme, a mark cannot be given, no matter how much they know about something.

Another thing about education (excluding vocational education or training) is that exams are a huge part of most subjects. But these exams do not test understanding or creativity, they test our memory and ability to structure answers, even though the structures have been taught to us over and over again. For instance, I knew that in my GCSE English exam, every time I wanted to say something, I'd have to say it in a PEC format- Point, Evidence, Comment. I couldn't focus an entire essay on something that interested me, I had to write everything in a PEC format multiple times, but make sure I have an acceptable introduction and conclusion. But this wasn't unique to me, across the UK, most students followed the same format, or a format very similar to it, and this needed to be done to achieve a high grade, otherwise our writing styles would be faulted and marks would be deducted.

I see exams more as memory games than true tests of understanding. All you really have to do is write what your teacher has told you. You have to remember facts and figures, but only of things you have been taught. We all possess the same knowledge and must generate the same answers in order for us to be recognised as academically intelligent, but I regard academic intelligence and real life intelligence as two completely different things which have entirely different uses. Academic intelligence is useful for the first 16-25 years of our lives, but after that, real life intelligence is far more important and useful. So it almost seems as if what we learn during our time in education is useless to living our lives, and while this is true, in almost every job, a certain degree of academic knowledge or intelligence is required, so it's not all useless.

I could speak about the issues I have with education for hours, and it would seem that I hate learning, but I in fact love learning, but this brings me to my final point. Because education must cater to a variety of people, which means different learning speeds and styles, I personally find education to be incredibly slow. A whole lesson can be spent on something that I would happily be able to learn in ten or fifteen minutes, however the entire class must understand the content and this means that the teacher may have to repeat themselves multiple times and give more than one example to the class. It has been suggested by my friends and family that I start to teach myself ahead of classes, and this is what I have been starting to do. I am currently a few lessons ahead in all my classes, and baring in mind I only started yesterday to teach myself the content that my teachers will be going through in the future, I think this is a great start. It does however mean that during lessons the work is just being repeated, but I find this useful in memorising it, so it's not too bad. I just know I'm going to be frustrated when the material I currently have runs out and I will have to wait for my teacher to hand out the next bit of the course. But I will just deal with that as it comes.

While I understand that this blog post shines a negative light on educational establishments, I do still enjoy learning, but if it was possible, I'd love it for education to be tailored more towards each individual. But I am incredibly grateful that I am in a country where I have a right to an education, and I will make the most of all the educational opportunities that come my way, as it would be a shame to waste such an amazing privilege.